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So I'm going to start a new jokes thread from scratch. ;) Its going to be a "clean-jokes only" thread.
So guys please start posting all of your clean jokes here. ;D
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-_-
This is the same thread like mine. I shall merge the threads :P
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WOW! This is JOKES! LOL :D
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I'll start. ;)
Ugly duckling
Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for alleternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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He made my Jokes and Riddles thread dirty and now he is making a new one!
Nice try! ha ha! I will remove all your dirty jokes from my threads and it will stay clean as it was before. :P
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He made my Jokes and Riddles thread dirty and now he is making a new one!
Nice try! ha ha! I will remove all your dirty jokes from my threads and it will stay clean as it was before. :P
Yours thread and my thread aren't the same. :P Yours is a jokes + riddles thread whereas my is a pure jokes only thread. ;)
You'll remove all my dirty jokes from your thread? ::) It's going to take you hours...... :P
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Yours thread and my thread aren't the same. :P Yours is a jokes + riddles thread whereas my is a pure jokes only thread. ;)
You'll remove all my dirty jokes from your thread? ::) It's going to take you hours...... :P
BWAHAHAHAHA IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT TAKES HOURS!
YOUR POST COUNT WILL DECREASE BY 700 NOW! HA!!! :P
This is what you get from competing with my precious thread! :'(
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YOUR POST COUNT WILL DECREASE BY 700 NOW! HA!!! :P
Do it!!!!! :P Then I'll be the 1st member to have 25 reputation with 101 posts!!! 8)
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Do it!!!!! :P Then I'll be the 1st member to have 25 reputation with 101 posts!!! 8)
I was joking. I am a nice girl :( but I am really hurt now. =|
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I'm sorry if you're hurt. :( Here's a joke for you. :)
Case study
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated. A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
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My Three Sons
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom
enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a
remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church
12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent a letter to each son. "Milton," she wrote one son,
"the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
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My Three Sons
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom
enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a
remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church
12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent a letter to each son. "Milton," she wrote one son,
"the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
12Years down da drain :D
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Giddy up
One day a man ran into an old friend and asked him if he was still dating the same girl. "No" Replied the friend.
"She wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Just the other day she decided to ride a horse for the first time. Without any instruction she hopped on and took off at full gallop. Everything was fine for a minute until she started losing her grip and began sliding down the side of the horse. She started grasping desperately at the reigns and the horse's mane. The horse kept it's pace up as she bounced up and down on the ground with the horse's hooves pounding away inches from her head. The horse might have killed her if it were not for an alert Wal-mart greeter who ran over and unplugged the thing!"
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Last Respects
At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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The Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years".
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Fire!!!
There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames. He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose.
Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire.
They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire.
When they were finally finished, the millionaire was so impressed with the crew's dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $10,000. Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. The chief replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix those lousy brakes!!"
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Sweet cheeks ::)
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
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The Juggler
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" he asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded, still a little unsure. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Just then another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "That's it Maude. I've got to give up the drink! Just look at the sobriety test they're giving now!!"
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Strong words
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
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HOW WELL DOES COLD WATER CLEAN?
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural
area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like
substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these
plates clean?
His grandfather replied.... those plates are as clean as cold water
can get them so go on and finish your meal.
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance
that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again......are you sure these
plates are clean?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says.....I told
you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now
don't ask me about it anymore!
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby
town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would
not let him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was
watching, Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!
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Here's another. :)
Help Yourself
A pastor went over to an elderly member's house to see how she was
doing. Seated on the sofa and very hungry, he spotted on the coffee
table a bowl of almonds. A little timid, he asked, "Do you mind if I
have one?" The woman was quite reluctant but said, "No, go ahead."
An hour later, he was in disbelief that he had finished off the whole bowl!
"Oh I'm so sorry about all the almonds!" he said as he stood to leave.
"Oh, don't worry about it. All I can do is suck the chocolate off since
I lost all of my teeth."
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i like these jokes !!!!!!
keep it up!! ;D
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Come on guys. Provide something called MOTIVATION :(
66 views and only 2 decent replies by theone and immortal. Thank you theone and immortal. :)
All the rest, you will burn in hell!!!!!!! >:( >:(
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Come on guys. Provide something called MOTIVATION :(
66 views and only 2 decent replies by theone and immortal. Thank you theone and immortal. :)
All the rest, you will burn in hell!!!!!!! >:( >:(
I read the one for Case study! It was nice! :D
But try posting shorter jokes because like we don't have to read long ones. ::)
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I read the one for Case study! It was nice! :D
But try posting shorter jokes because like we don't have to read long ones. ::)
You want some short dirty jokes? ::) :P
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You want some short dirty jokes? ::) :P
I thought the thread title was 'Clean Jokes' ? ::) :P
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I thought the thread title was 'Clean Jokes' ? ::) :P
Nope, I wont post them here. ;D
I'll pm them to you. ::) :P :P
*laughing with happiness*
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Nope, I wont post them here. ;D
I'll pm them to you. ::) :P :P
*laughing with happiness*
I can block your pms ;) :P
I waiting for the 'Thank You GORGEOUS Mony for posting in my thread when it was dead and I was poor and needy' :P :P
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A frog at the bank
This frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patty Wack.
"Hi, I'd like to fill out an application for a loan", said the frog.
Patty Wack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something to stand against your loan?"
The frog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."
"Well, I don't know," said Patty Wack, "I'll have to ask the manager about this."
Patty Wack goes to see the bank manager.
The bank manager looks at the statue and replies: "Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."
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I waiting for the 'Thank You GORGEOUS Mony for posting in my thread when it was dead and I was poor and needy' :P :P
Thank you UGLY Monkey :P :P (doesn't monkey and mony sound similar? ::)) for posting in my thread and killing it and making me poor and needy in the process ;D ;D ;D
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Thank you UGLY Monkey :P :P (doesn't monkey and mony sound similar? ::)) for posting in my thread and killing it and making me poor and needy in the process ;D ;D ;D
>:(
I am removing my posts now!
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A day at the races
One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants -- you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!
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>:( >:( >:(
A post with only emots is considered spam. Read the rules please.
This is your first warning ::)
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>:(
I am removing my posts now!
Alright, Mon.... ;D ;D Please don't get angry..... ;D ;D I will carry you on my back like your mom does. ;D
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Alright, Mon.... ;D ;D Please don't get angry..... ;D ;D I will carry you on my back like your mom does. ;D
:o :o SO U R SAYING MY MOM IS A GORILLA/MONKEY ? :o :o
OKAY NOW I AM REMOVING ALL MY POSTS IN THIS THREAD >:(
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:o :o SO U R SAYING MY MOM IS A GORILLA/MONKEY ? :o :o
OKAY NOW I AM REMOVING ALL MY POSTS IN THIS THREAD >:(
Noooooo!!!! Don't misunderstand Mony!!!!! :( :( :( I didn't mean something bad like that....
Check it more properly!!!!
Alright, Mon... ;D ;D Please don't get angry..... ;D ;D I will carry you on my back like your mom does. ;D
It is 3 dots after the Mon, means ... So, you understood right?????? :( :( :( Didn't mean you from the start.... :( :(
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Noooooo!!!! Don't misunderstand Mony!!!!! :( :( :( I didn't mean something bad like that....
Check it more properly!!!!
It is 3 dots after the Mon, means ... So, you understood right?????? :( :( :( Didn't mean you from the start.... :( :(
Okay then. I forgive you :P
Now +rep me :P jk :P
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Okay then. I forgive you :P
You were just kidding from the beginning weren't you? >:( I will take my revenge !!!! >:( >:(
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Now +rep me :P jk :P
I'll -rep you!!!! >:D >:D >:D
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You were just kidding from the beginning weren't you? >:( I will take my revenge !!!! >:( >:(
No, I was angry really :( no one called me a monkey before. This is so mean, please don't call me that again :(
I am sleepy kratos. I'll go sleep.*yawns* I'll post when I get back here ok?! Chill dragon! :D
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I'll -rep you!!!! >:D >:D >:D
I will -rep you and it will decrease by like 5 while you will just decrease me by 1 :P
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No, I was angry really :( no one called me a monkey before. This is so mean, please don't call me that again :(
Alright, I'll call you gorgeous monkey then. ;D ;D
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Alright, I'll call you gorgeous monkey then. ;D ;D
>:(
Okay. I am serious. No posts in this thread from me again.
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Sorry. :( Didn't know you'd get hurt. :(
I am sorry Gorgeous Mony for angering you. <3 <3 :( :(
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Damn..its so funny 2 c u guyz fight ::)
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Damn..its so funny 2 c u guyz fight ::)
i noe rite?? :D :D
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hahahahaha. Well, I am actually laughing myself :P
This doesn't mean I nt angry about kratos calling me a monkey >:(
+rep me now to forgive you :P
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ppl i noe im random but I H8 ACCOUNTING!!!!!
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ppl i noe im random but I H8 ACCOUNTING!!!!!
Shoot! You reminded me of it. I have an A2 exam tom in it. The book is beside me! :-X
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good luck!!
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good luck!!
Thanks. You doing IGCSE..?
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+rep me now to forgive you :P
Nope, I won't. :P
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Shoot! You reminded me of it. I have an A2 exam tom in it. The book is beside me! :-X
mony,how cme i never c u discuss Acc..as 2maros P4 is gonna b a killer :(
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ya im doing igs :)
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Me have phy p2 and chem p1 exams on 9 and 10 june and I haven't studied a bit. Gonna flunk it. ;D
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@Kratos..I don't need it. I already got the HIGHEST reputation in the whole entire forum. Check forum stats :P
@immortal I don't visit GCE -Alevel board much. I work in the forum like in writing articles, cleaning boards, discussing stuff etc etc so I don't like to be working and studying in SF, I try to post to have some fun..=/
Curve is low By the way. For paper 2 it will be 52/90 for an A. Is Mrs.Qubra teaching u accounts?
If you need help you can ask me though..u done studying?
@Dodi..Good Luck with that. You need to score an A* it is not a difficult subject. =]
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Thanks mony :D :D but i wouldnt call it easy!!
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@Kratos..I don't need it. I already got the HIGHEST reputation in the whole entire forum. Check forum stats :P
Then it looks like i have to -rep someone. ::)
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Thanks mony :D :D but i wouldnt call it easy!!
It needs hard working but compared to other subjects, it is one of the most scoring one. You can score good grades in it easily!
@Kratos..I will -rep by 5 points also until you be in the forum's stats TOP 10 worst reputation people. ;) :P
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Curve is low By the way. For paper 2 it will be 52/90 for an A. Is Mrs.Qubra teaching u accounts?
If you need help you can ask me though..u done studying?
Mrs Qubra is our Business teacher..I i don't need help,anywayz Thanks 4 asking..
By the way,u nver mentioned ur school,despite Pm'ing u???
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By the way,u nver mentioned ur school,despite Pm'ing u???
She's scared of guys. :P :P
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It needs hard working but compared to other subjects, it is one of the most scoring one. You can score good grades in it easily!
@Kratos..I will -rep by 5 points also until you be in the forum's stats TOP 10 worst reputation people. ;) :P
U'll never do it :D
because u said u wud not post in this tread anymor...& c wat ure doing :P
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Mrs Qubra is our Business teacher..I i don't need help,anywayz Thanks 4 asking..
By the way,u nver mentioned ur school,despite Pm'ing u???
Mrs.Qubra teached me accounting in IGCSE, then she moved to your school. She's a great teacher! :D
Oh yeah, I rarely reply to my pms because I get llike 3373733 ones a day :P LOL.
I'll pm you my school name. I was going to enter your school By the way despite me being Egyptian. Mrs.Qubra recommend it so I was going to be there.
@immortal..yes, I am making people posting in his thread more by opening more discussions and making it alive ::) I am just a nice person. I never -rep.
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@Kratos..I will -rep by 5 points also until you be in the forum's stats TOP 10 worst reputation people. ;) :P
Me not scared of girly threats :P :P Show me what you can really do. :P
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Me not scared of girly threats :P :P Show me what you can really do. :P
Nah. You know I can do a lot but I am not an evilish person thats why people love me in this place :P
See how was ur thread dead? I made me alive. :P
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thats why people love me in this place :P
You seem to be confused... ::)
See how was ur thread dead? I made me alive. :P
Yeah, you make yourself alive.... Selfish!!!! :P
See how dead ur thread was? I made it alive. :P
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You seem to be confused... ::)
Yeah, you make yourself alive.... Selfish!!!! :P
See how dead ur thread was? I made it alive. :P
Well, start counting how many posts I POSTED in this thread instead of posting in my own thread.
Yeah..my thread was dead but like you made it alive with dirty jokes and made the mods lock it :P
Gosh KRATOS! U R NEVER THANKFUL >:( I </3 u :P
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I </3 u :P
Yeah, thank you. ;D I <3 u too
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loool u ppl chillax!!!
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YOU REMOVED THE </3 I MEANT I HATE U!
Meh kratos..stop dreaming :P
I gtg sleep..didnt sleep since yesterday :( I will go and hug my pillow! :D :P :P
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YOU REMOVED THE </3 I MEANT I HATE U!
Meh kratos..stop dreaming :P
I was just trying to be thankful like you asked me to be. ;D ;D
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I was just trying to be thankful like you asked me to be. ;D ;D
awww...rnt u cute? ::)
You are welcome ::) ::)
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awww...rnt u cute? ::)
You are welcome ::) ::)
But I have evil intentions...... >:D >:D >:D
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But I have evil intentions...... >:D >:D >:D
Yes, I can feel that already. ::)
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Yes, I can feel that already. ::)
ahem, how do u feel that? ::)
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I have a 6th sense.
Now, bye people in this thread. =]
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I have a 6th sense.
Now, bye people in this thread. =]
Which one? Cat-sense. ::) :P
Only me in here . :P Say it more directly. :P
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Good Jokes for a change :D
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wow, nothing happened here since I left :P
I will be posting here jokes maybe but I have an A2 exam tom! So maybe later.
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wow, nothing happened here since I left :P
::) :P
[not a spam]
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::) :P
[not a spam]
come on admit it :P say 'Mony MADE MY THREAD ALIVE AND WHEN SHE LEFT I GOT ONLY ONE POST' :P
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come on admit it :P say 'Mony MADE MY THREAD ALIVE AND WHEN SHE LEFT I GOT ONLY ONE POST' :P
Money :P MADE MY THREAD ALIVE AND WHEN SHE LEFT I GOT ONLY ONE POST. :P
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remove the 'e' in Money so that it becomes Mony :P
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LOL at the beginning, she wanted to merge it with hers!
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remove the 'e' in Money so that it becomes Mony :P
But Money is useful and Mony is useless. :P
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But Money is useful and Mony is useless. :P
Now, thats gotta hurt. Its her bday, be nice man!
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But Money is useful and Mony is useless. :P
>:(
Let me remove all my posts in this thread! >:(
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>:(
Let me remove all my posts in this thread! >:(
FEISTY :P
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>:(
Let me remove all my posts in this thread! >:(
Come on. Differentiate betn a joke and a real statement.
Alright, I am sorry. But it was her fault for comparing herself with Money.
Alright, Sorry again.Am on my knees. Ask for a wish princess. :P Today is your day. ;)
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Mony - you da girl !!! ;)
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Come on. Differentiate betn a joke and a real statement.
Alright, I am sorry. But it was her fault for comparing herself with Money.
Alright, Sorry again.Am on my knees. Ask for a wish princess. :P Today is your day. ;)
+rep me, let me merge this thread with mine :P
Then go post your real pic in my birthday thread :P
@Ari..hahahahaha thanks Ari. Give me any wishes u want, I will post them for Kratos. I am the princess now :P
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+rep me, let me merge this thread with mine :P
Then go post your real pic in my birthday thread :P
@Ari..hahahahaha thanks Ari. Give me any wishes u want, I will post them for Kratos. I am the princess now :P
Just one wish princess. :P You are too much greedy. ::)
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Okay here is my wish :
To have 10 wishes :P
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Okay here is my wish :
To have 10 wishes :P
Happy 27th birthday old lady. :P
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Happy 27th birthday old lady. :P
27 is a cool age 8) Wish I could be there one day to rule the world.
17 is still not bad though..so where are my wishes...?You were lying eh? ;) :P
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27 is a cool age 8) Wish I could be there one day to rule the world.
17 is still not bad though..so where are my wishes...?You were lying eh? ;) :P
Hello? 27th bithday means 17+10
means +10 bdays
means 10 wishes. :P You already got them. ::)
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Hello? 27th bithday means 17+10
means +10 bdays
means 10 wishes. :P You already got them. ::)
This didn't make sense. This wasn't want I asked for. >:(
I WANT MY WISHES NOW >:(
Am I scaring you..? ::) :P
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This didn't make sense. This wasn't want I asked for. >:(
I WANT MY WISHES NOW >:(
Am I scaring you..? ::) :P
Alright 10 wishes. :P But after that I would want SOMETHING in return!!! >:D >:D
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Mony? knock knock.. :P :P
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Mony? knock knock.. :P :P
she's 2o busy studying ::)so no1 will open da door..
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she's 2o busy studying ::)so no1 will open da door..
Yeah, like he said :P
I replied to your pm about Company accounts, did you get it? ???
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Yeah, like he said :P
I replied to your pm about Company accounts, did you get it? ???
Company accounts? ::)
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Company accounts? ::)
Accounting A2 :(
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Accounting A2 :(
and am I an account student? ::) Is your light bulb already screwed? ::) :P
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and am I an account student? ::) Is your light bulb already screwed? ::) :P
It seems your light bulb was the one screwed.
I mean 'Company Accounts' The subject name is already there :P
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It seems your light bulb was the one screwed.
I mean 'Company Accounts' The subject name is already there :P
And why did you tell that to me then? ::) :P
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Ya,i got it,just wanted 2 get it clarified frm a nerd..dats all..
I just hope,dey dont ask screwed up questions :-X
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hey kratos post some jokes man
sweet cheeks was awesome
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hey kratos post some jokes man
sweet cheeks was awesome
Alright dude. :P
Baseball in Heaven
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to
their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His
friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about
their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when
you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for
you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is
sleeping when he hears his friend's voice.
The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."
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Dentist Visit
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
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The Last Wish
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining
strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he
slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,
gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was
it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing
on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous
taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to
life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge
of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife, "Don't Ernest!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
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Return to sender
A little boy wanted $100, badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $20.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $20.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that
for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as
usual, those jerks deducted $80.00.
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Are you just copying and pasting these things from the internet?
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Are you just copying and pasting these things from the internet?
Nope, I'm adding my lines too. :P
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nice onez lord :P ! but tbh i liked the mix dirty jokes + clean jokes :P
but too bad :/ i blame A.F :P
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nice onez lord :P ! but tbh i liked the mix dirty jokes + clean jokes :P
but too bad :/ i blame A.F :P
You'll thank me when you see his jokes.
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You'll thank me when you see his jokes.
i was kidding By the way :p
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nice onez lord :P ! but tbh i liked the mix dirty jokes + clean jokes :P
but too bad :/ i blame A.F :P
Dont bring that up, please. Matter ended.
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hahaha i luv ur jokes lord :D :D
n Ari....gr8 job as a mod :)
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Accident
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
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DRUNK CLOCK
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
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Badump-Bump
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
How do you keep a jackass in suspense?
I'll let you know tomorrow!!!! :P
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A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
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Funny Puns and One-Liners
Corduroy pillows are making headlines
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse
He had a photographic memory that was never developed
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large
Acupuncture is a jab well done
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
Without geometry, life is pointless
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A nerd is walking along when another nerd arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second nerd says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this gorgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, takes off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."
The other nerd nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!!!"
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A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!
The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
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The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn
10. The pot roast.
9. What does pastor wear under robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes till kickoff.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?
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You know what really would be funny???????????????????????
getting a U in you report card if you don't start studying!!
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Like I care!!! :P
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You know what really would be funny???????????????????????
getting a U in you report card if you don't start studying!!
hahahaha... :D :D :D
lets hope that doesn't happen.
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Got Duck Feed?
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk tells him, ”No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.”
The duck says, ”Okay” and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk says, ”I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.”
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ”Got any nails?”
”No,” comes the reply.
”Got any duck feed?”
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Got Duck Feed?
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk tells him, ”No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.”
The duck says, ”Okay” and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk says, ”I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.”
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ”Got any nails?”
”No,” comes the reply.
”Got any duck feed?”
lol nice 1 :P
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You know what really would be funny???????????????????????
getting a U in you report card if you don't start studying!!
hahahahah looool. That was a funny joke :P
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hahahahah looool. That was a funny joke :P
::)
[not a spam ::)]
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::)
[not a spam ::)]
Spammer! Arrest him! :P
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A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
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Spammer! Arrest him! :P
You are spamming in MY thread. ::)
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Memory Tests:
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday." ...
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Goony bird 8)
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day.
The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom.
Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait.
To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game.
"Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my A**!!!"
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You are spamming in MY thread. ::)
oh yeah?
okay, wait. Let me remove all my previous posts in this thread. Now see how much of posts will be lost. :P
Meh. I am jk. Just I wont post here again. =]
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If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
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Meh. I am jk. Just I wont post here again. =]
Why angry? ::) My thread is way better than yours.... ::)
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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Girlfriend and Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:
- A"Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware
probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable
traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
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10 Reasons Why Computers Are Better Than Girlfriends
1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period.
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7 things to do to when your ISP goes down
1. Dial 911 Immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
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Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott
Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
Abbott: Yes, you want Real One.
Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
Abbott: Of course.
Costello: Great! With what?
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
Abbott: You click the blue "1".
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbott: The blue "1".
Costello: Is that different from the blue w?
Abbott: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
Abbott: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbott: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
Costello: And that word is real one?
Abbott: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
Costello: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer
Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click on "START"..........
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LMAOOOO @ mohit1234
Two guys were roaring down a country road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards," his friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. Banta came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," Banta explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
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hahaha
nice one dodi23 :D
heres another one
Race to the Sun:
Santa and Banta, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.
One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."
"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."
And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."
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LMAOOOO @ mohit1234
Two guys were roaring down a country road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards," his friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. Banta came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," Banta explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
lol this is nice :D
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Thanks golden girl :D :D
ya i heard this be4 but it still made me crack up!!
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Thanks golden girl :D :D
ya i heard this be4 but it still made me crack up!!
anytime girl
hahaha lol
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What is it that prevents Blondes' admission to College? - High School!
There were three guys on top of the cn tower, and they met a genie, the genie said I will give you one wish each, what you wish for you will jump off and land in it. the first guy wished to land in gold, so off he jumped and landed in gold, the second guy wished for lots of money he landed in money, the third guy said I wish for,,, Oh man I forget, oh crap, and with out Knowing he landed in a pile of crap.
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If you look like your photo in your passport - you surely need a vacation.
Speed gets you nowhere if you are on the wrong way.
The more I know people - the more I like my dog.
A sign in a psychiatrist's clinic says: "Madness is expensive - We accept Credit Cards".
Men are like toilets. Either they are taken or they are full of sh*t!!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. During the years everything becomes worst.
When a newly wedded man is happy, we understand why. When a man, after ten years of marriage, is happy, we don't understand why. It's all a question of time!
Chicken is the only animal we eat before it is borne and after it is dead
Be nice to your children. They are the ones who choose your old folk's home.
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black?"
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Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, "Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt."
On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had "hammered the plane a little hard on the runway."
The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, "Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing."
All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.
She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, "Do you mind if I ask a question?"
He said, "Why no, ma'am, go ahead."
She then replied, "I didn't hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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+rep dodi ! awsome jokes
keep goin please !
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Thanks kimo :D
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
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Thanks kimo :D
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
haha lol
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Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
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The Canoe
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you,we’re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
“The Frenchman says, “I take ze poison.” The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New
Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled,
and screams, “What are you doing???”
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, “So much for your canoe!”
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10 Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
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looool @ lord kratos
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10 Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
lol dodi. :P
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Good ones Kratos and dodi23... ;)
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Confusion Says: :P
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees
Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself ).
When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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One Ring
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these
pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Japanese scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Japanese 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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Confusion Says: :P
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees
Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself ).
When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
:) nice ones
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Cool Teenage Martian: I was at a party on Mercury last night.
His Friend: Was it any good?
Cool Teenage Martian: No! It was really boring.
His Friend: How come?
Cool Teenage Martian: There was no atmosphere.
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Yours as well, good ones. :)
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Dodi you posted a lot of bad things about guys >:( :P So I'm gonna post some good ::) things about women too. :P
How to Speak About Women (excluding mother) and be Politically Correct:
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not an UNTOUCHABLE SNOB - She is a SCRATCH RESISTANT MODEL.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
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+rep for both. That's a good job you are doing. ;)
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Thanks alpha
nice ones kratos :D
A Teenager is...
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
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No offence to women. :P
Young King Arthur 8)
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price
would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises ...... he had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question: What a woman really wants, is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur’s life and
granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.
What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he’d ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she’d been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don’t read until you’ve made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and
had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is that it doesn’t matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she’s still a witch!!
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Thanks alpha :P( I missed the ~ :P)
Nice ones dodi. :P
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Thanks kratos aka joke master ;D
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."
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Who me?
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance
speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”
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Engineers are Curious Creatures
1. Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “The bike was a good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t
have fit.”
2. An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or the mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.”
“Both?”Artist said. Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”
3. What is the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Engineers build weapons and Architects build targets.
4. To the optimist the glass is half full. To the pessimist the glass is half empty. To the engineer the glass is twice as big as it has to be.
5. An engineer is walking along the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll spend the week with you.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.”
Again the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Desperately, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog? Now that’s cool.”
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The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
One local man has put on his best suit and he’s sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn’t smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.
He can’t believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won’t talk to him, he’s concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum’s clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!! "
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@dodi Awesome sig !! :D
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Thanks ari
lord kratos yup ;D
A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who gets you into sh*t is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend
3. If you are in sh*t, keep your mouth shut
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Two Cannibals
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
By the way, Its my 1000th post!!!!! ;D ( I am not stupid enough to make a thread about it :P)
And here I thought Ari had finally posted a joke... ::)
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Thanks ari
lord kratos yup ;D
A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who gets you into sh*t is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend
3. If you are in sh*t, keep your mouth shut
Nice :P :P
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congratz lord kratos :D :D
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
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A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.
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EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
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I'm going to die dodi!!! Stop!!!!! :P
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lool cant got nothing else 2 do!!
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
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OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his A**, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his A**, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.
The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"
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How to Annoy Your Waiter:
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
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There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "Wow it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
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Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A
mama cat and her kitten were walking by.
The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we
eat?"
To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How
about some Baskin Robbins?"
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Young Rooster :P :P
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young c**k from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy."
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
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A Mouse & a Lion in a Bar
A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.
"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"
"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.
So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her. Within
five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.
The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me back to her place to spend the night."
"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.
"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a hundred miles!"
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MARRIAGE QUOTES. :P :P
"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."
"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for: 1) everything I say, and 2) everything I do."
"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."
"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ? Because they want to."
"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."
"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much......Monogamy ? It's the same"
"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."
"Life is a b*tch, then you marry one."
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Marriage quotes continued :P
"The most common form of marriage proposal: 'YOU'RE WHAT !?'"
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished."
"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry."
"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."
"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"How do most men define marriage ? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free."
"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."
"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books."
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.
"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success."
"Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage."
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up."
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers."
"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them."
"My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely."
"My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time." - Jonathan Katz.
"What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman ? The wedding cake."
"They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death."
"I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better" - Bumper sticker.
Marriage is an institution
Marriage is love
Love is blind
Therefore: Marriage is an institution for the blind
I married Miss Right... Then i found out first name was 'Always'
Marriage is an institution, but i'm not mad enough to be institutionalized.
If you want to know what your wife/girlfriend will look like in 30 years time, just look at her mother.
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lol @ the rooster one!
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Four Married Guys :P :P
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or sex?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
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God Created Canada
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the friendliest people on Earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them!!!"
::) :P :P
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LOL nice ones :D
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Want some more ? :P Spread the laughter dude ... :P :P Post some yourself :P :P
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LOL @ canada
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Clinton and the Pope in Heaven
On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major screw up. By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope was sent to hell.
IN HELL:
The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with God.
Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong here. I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we can fix it.
The Pope: Worry not, my son.
24 hours later:
Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you tell Clinton to come here.
The Pope: Sure thing.
On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way.
The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final dream is to meet the Virgin Mary.
Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late.
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Spread some laughter dudes. :P
Letter for a New Bike
One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike.
His mother said, At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don't you?"
"Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas."
His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him."
Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter: Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike. Your Friend, Johnny
He thought about this and decided to start a new letter. Dear Jesus, Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided to write another letter. Dear Jesus, I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one either. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and hurried home.
He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter. Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike!!! Your Friend, Johnny.
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Another one. ;D
Funeral Procession
A man was leaving a Stop n' Go with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog bit her and she died."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
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School's Out
It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each question I ask may leave early."
Little Johnny thinks to himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first."
The teacher asks, "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Susie said "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."
Johnny was mad that Susie answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'I have a dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Mary said "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."
Johnny was even madder that Mary answered first.
The teacher asked "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Nancy said "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."
Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bi***es would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher said "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"
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Another.... :P :P
Something Exciting
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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Adultery
There were three guys that died and went to heaven.
The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."
The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."
The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultery so you shall get a Porsche!"
The first guy comes up to the man in the Porsche and starts Laughing and the man in the Porsche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"
The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"
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A Colonel and a Major
A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ arguing. The Colonel says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure.
The Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work. They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate.
The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him his opinion.
He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead. He answers, "Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you SOB's would have me doing it"!
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Missing Wife
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?", she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
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Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came cornering around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked....
"And where the hell were you when I got married?"
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Another!!! 8)
Weird Family
A regular customer walked into a gay bar and ordered three martinis in a row. "Say, anything wrong?" asked the bartender. "I've had quite a shock," the man confessed. "I just found out my brother's a gay too." "Could be worse," the bartender pointed out. "Yeah, I suppose you're right...but my other brother's gay, too." The bartender raised his eyebrows. "Doesn't anyone in your family go for women?" "Yeah...my sister."
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loooool @ lord kratos u made me laff my a** off!!!!
love ur jokes man, nd this tym u r gonna kill me!!
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loooool @ lord kratos u made me laff my a** off!!!!
love ur jokes man, nd this tym u r gonna kill me!!
haha ...no one is gonna die now , trust me .....cuz i'll be the first :P
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Mr. Kratos;
Your jokes are skanky, un-ethical, immoral, and give rise to utter disgust upon reading them.
LOL, J/K.
THESE ARE SOME OF THE FUNNIEST I've EVER READ.
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Thanks guys. ;D
Here's another!!! 8)
I know the Whole Truth
At school a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
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-_-
Sorry freaked, but that is SPAM. Please add some words next time.
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Sorry freaked, but that is SPAM. Please add some words next time.
::) ::) ::) ::)
[not a spam :P :P]
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::) ::) ::) ::)
[not a spam :P :P]
Dont tempt me -_-
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Dont tempt me -_-
So I was right. ::) You are tempted by guys!!!! :P :P
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So I was right. ::) You are tempted by guys!!!! :P :P
You make me feel sick.....
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You make me feel sick.....
Cuz its in your nature. ::) :P :P
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Cuz its in your nature. ::) :P :P
Go die.... >:(
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Go die.... >:(
Sorry, I am not a coward unlike some people..... ::) ::)
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Sorry, I am not a coward unlike some people..... ::) ::)
Oh, so you've decided to be a hero and stand and fight me ?
Then the Lion shall tear you apart. I shall rip your limbs from your torso.
Then I shall feed your eyeballs to the vultures. >:(
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Oh, so you've decided to be a hero and stand and fight me ?
Then the Lion shall tear you apart. I shall rip your limbs from your torso.
Then I shall feed your eyeballs to the vultures. >:(
Huh? ::) I am not afraid of some underdeveloped cubs. ::)
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Huh? ::) I am not afraid of some underdeveloped cubs. ::)
Do not be deluded by your illussions of superiority.
In the heat of the attack the winner goes home to his family, the loser becomes the compost for the next generation of vegetation ;)
I intend to be the winner.
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In the heat of the attack the winner goes home to his family, the loser becomes the compost for the next generation of vegetation ;)
Yeah, I heard Lions make good compost manure... ::)
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Hey Ari, Remember not to discuss your fight until 24 hours have passed from the completion of your fight. :P :P
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Hey Ari, Remember not to discuss your fight until 24 hours have passed from the completion of your fight. :P :P
lol ::) :P :P
Nice one contraentry!!!! ;)
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Little Johnny's back!!!! 8) :P :P
Learning ABC
The teacher is teaching her class about the alphabet and, of course, there is one student, little Johnny, who has a propensity to be disruptive.
The teacher asks the class "Who can tell us a word that begins with the letter 'A'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks "I can't call on him, he'll say 'A**," so she calls on little Mary instead.
Little Mary says "A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!"
"Very good, little Mary," says the teacher. "Now, who knows a word that begins with the letter 'B'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn't call on him for fear that his word will be "b*tch." Instead, she calls on little Joey.
"Bike," says Joey, "A bright blue bike!"
"Very good, Joey," says the teacher.
She continues to run through the alphabet, but each letter she comes to has a corresponding curse word, so she continues to skip over Little Johnny.
Finally, she comes to the letter "R." By this time, Little Johnny is fit to burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself "You know, I can't think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter 'R'! Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!" So, the teacher says "OK, Little Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter 'R'."
Little Johnny responds "R is for Rats! Big fuckin' rats! With nuts THIS BIG!"
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Hey Ari, Remember not to discuss your fight until 24 hours have passed from the completion of your fight. :P :P
:D Right to prick. Good one! :D
LOL, the way Ari and Kratos are fighting, we're gonna add that in the "clean jokes". :D
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Another one mates..... :P
Lick That
Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.
"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his A** in 10 years... so lick that!"
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Little Red Wagon
This little boy got a little red wagon for his birthday. Everywhere he went he pulled his little red wagon. One day, as he was walking by the church, his wagon got stuck in the mud.
Little boy: "Damn fuckin wagon! *censored*!!! Getting stuck in the fuckin mud!!!!......"
As he was cursing the wagon up and down, the priest came out of the church
Priest: "Little boy you shouldnt say naughty words....God is all around you."
LIttle boy: " He is???? Is he over there??"
Priest " Yes he is"
Little boy: "Is he behind me??"
Priest: " Um-hmm"
Little boy " Is he in front of me ??"
Priest: "Yes"
Little boy :"Is he even in my little red wagon??"
Priest: "Of course"
Little boy: "Well tell him to get the *censored* out and push!!!!!"
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Need a Lantern
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !!!"
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Hey Ari, Remember not to discuss your fight until 24 hours have passed from the completion of your fight. :P :P
Very original. I liked it :P
+rep ;D
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Hey!!!! I post so many jokes here and I don't get +repped!!! >:( >:(
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Alright people..... spread the smile... :P :P >:D >:D
The Gun and the Watch
Two friends, an Italian boy and a German boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol.
On the other side of town, at his Bar , the German boy receives a beautiful gold watch.
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.
"Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.
The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?"
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Letter to GOD USA
A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.
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>:D >:D >:D >:D
A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"
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Bad Dog ::) ::)
A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps".
The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work tofollow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!"
"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?"
The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"
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Farting Turn :P :P
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
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Hey!!!! I post so many jokes here and I don't get +repped!!! >:( >:(
i just did :)
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i just did :)
ooh... Thank you very much golden girl!!!! ;D ;D ;D Thank you again!!! ;D ;D
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ooh... Thank you very much golden girl!!!! ;D ;D ;D Thank you again!!! ;D ;D
anytime 8)
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nice jokes in here ..... i ve been lmao ;D
+rep
:D
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Want some more ? :P Spread the laughter dude ... :P :P Post some yourself :P :P
lol I don't want to simply waste time Googling jokes when we have a whole database here. :P Plus, I guess you might have posted the first 20 pages of websites. :P
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lord kratos= awsomeness!!!!
+rep
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Thanks dodi,heart-hacker and contraentry ;D ;D
Here's another one....
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 50 Kg, but varies from 45 Kg to 250 Kg
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES.
1.- Surface usually lined with painted film (in the order of 0-6m to 0-3m).
2.- Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3.- Melts if given special treatment.
4.- Bitter if used incorrectly.
5.- Found in various states ranging from non used metal to common ore.
6.- Yields to pressure applied at the correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES.
1.- Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2.- Absorbs large quantities of expensive substances.
3.- May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no reason.
4.- Insoluble in liquids, but alcohol saturation increases activity.
5.- Most powerful income-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USE.
1.- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
4.- Useful for general cleaning, scrubbing, washing, rubbing, etc.
TEST.
1.- Pure specimen turns pink when discovered in the natural state.
2.- Turns green when placed next to a better specimen.
HAZARDS.
1.- Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2.- Illegal to posses more than one.
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Here's another... :P :P
Confusing Language - English
1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
5. Don't infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. If horrific means horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
8. Why is it called building when it is already built?
9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it success?
10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?
11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? HUMAN???
13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???
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Manure... :P :P
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's A**, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't" the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
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My Cool Definitions :P :P
1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father : A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......
34. WIFE : "A wife is someone who stands by her husband through all his troubles. He would not have had...if he had stayed single."
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A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ’You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’
The cats says, ’Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, ’All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
’How are you doing? Are you happy here?’
The cat yawns and stretches and says, ’Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best.
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Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm here for a urine test."
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Cool Insults :P :P
1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing.
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.
21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.
30. How would you like to feel the way you look?
31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?
33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.
39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.
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This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
So Guys, I am gonna be out for a week. ;D Meet ya all later.. :P :P
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loooool hilarious
ull b missed :D
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haha man keep it up
the woman details, the insults and the lighthouse one were too good :DD hahahahaha
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So Guys, I am gonna be out for a week. ;D Meet ya all later.. :P :P
have fun
chaw 8)
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My Cool Definitions :P :P
1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father : A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......
34. WIFE : "A wife is someone who stands by her husband through all his troubles. He would not have had...if he had stayed single."
keep pasting good stuff
like this one, and that english one..
i use them in fb.
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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Brave Uncle
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Three boys were walking home from school one day. All of a sudden, they saw a naked lady sunbathing so of course, they stopped to look. Then, right out of the blue, one of the kids takes off running.
The next day, they see the same lady, and again, the same kid takes off running.
On the third day they stop to see the lady, and she is still there. But this time, before the kid can run away, his two friends grab him by the arm, and they ask him: "What's the matter, don't you like looking at naked women?"
And the kid replies, "Yeah, but my mommy told me that if I look at a naked woman too long, I'll turn to stone; and I felt something getting hard."
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One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
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am i here alone or wat??
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the
little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say
the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to
'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his
father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have
to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper
in my ear."
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Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun.
They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off. "What's so funny?" they asked him.
"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."
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A mafia's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
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my 700th post!!!!! ;D ;D
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."
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A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cursing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say A**."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your A** it won't be Cheerios!"
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A father picks up his son after school and asks him how his day has been.
"Great dad, today they give me my part at the school play", says the boy.
"Really? and what do you play?" asks the father.
"I play a man who has been married for twenty years".
"That's nice son", says the father, "you do a good work and one day the'll give you a speaking role".
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Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
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nyssshhhhhhhh ..... no comments...they r just awesome ;D
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@dodi23 Please be careful when posting jokes. I had to delete one since it was VERY dirty.
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@dodi23 Please be careful when posting jokes. I had to delete one since it was VERY dirty.
Because this forum is a Fluffy Bunny Society.
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Because this forum is a Fluffy Bunny Society.
Are you uncomfortable with Fluffy Bunnies ?
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@dodi23 Please be careful when posting jokes. I had to delete one since it was VERY dirty.
oops.....my bad srry :-[
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Because this forum is a Fluffy Bunny Society.
lool ::)
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Are you uncomfortable with Fluffy Bunnies ?
No!
I'm jus' sayin'...
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On this day...
June 18: International Delicious Beverage Day
1264 – The Parliament of Ireland meets at Castledermot in County Kildare, the first definitively known meeting of this Irish legislature. In session, the parliament discusses beer rationing, leprechaun sightings, and whiskey rationing, and also hires St. Patrick to address the rampant snake problem.
1812 – War of 1812: The U.S. Congress declares war on the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. The British respond by taxing the U.S. tea supply to ridiculous proportions, and ceasing the exporting of cricket and croquet materials to North America.
1887 – The Reinsurance Treaty between Germany and Russia is signed, ending all conflicts between the two nations permanently.
1917 - The first carbonated drink is put on the market. People are unaware of the dangers in Cocaine Cola.
1928 – Aviator Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to fly in an aircraft across the Atlantic Ocean (she was a passenger; Wilmer Stutz was the pilot and Lou Gordon the mechanic). She also becomes the first woman to nag a pilot in midflight across the Atlantic Ocean.
1983 – Space Shuttle program: STS-7, Astronaut Sally Ride becomes the first American woman in space. She also becomes the first American woman to nag a fellow astronaut in space.
2007 - St. Peter's Basilica is most likely to awaken from its two-year slumber on this day, according to Vatican-sponsored astrological studies. False Popes are currently being prepared to divert its attention and appetite in anticipation of events on the day.
2009 - International Delicious Beverage Day Cancelled Due To European Bovril Famine
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Alright these are little bit racist but (could be taken as a compliment) :P
-How do You kill a Jew without harming him in any way-Toss a coin and watch 2 jews fight over it to death.
-How do You Kill a catholic priest with out harming him in any way, toss a kid and watch them fight and the winner gets to fight Michael Jackson. ;D
How does the Chinese kids in class get so ahead in test scores? They look over white kids’ papers through slanted eyes…you can’t tell they’re cheating.
-What do you call a Jewish football game: To get the quarter back.
-You heard UFO sightings peak around Mexican holidays? Those illegal aliens need to go back to their world.
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Passed by a Moderator.
Servant of Allah
« Sent to: Arsenal<3 on: Today at 12:04:31 AM »
I think they're okay
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GEORGE W. BUSH QOUTES....WILL LIVE LONG IN MEMORY.taken from uncyclopedia
"There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America."
~ on America
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."
~ on war
"A peace is of the nature of a conquest; for then both parties nobly are subdued, and neither party loser."
~ on peace
"The pundits like to slice and dice our country into red states and blue states: red states for Republicans, blue states for Democrats. But I've got news for them, too. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America."
~ on bipartisanship
"Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."
~ on education
"When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it – this is knowledge."
~ on knowledge
"We have perhaps a natural fear of ends. We would rather be always on the way than arrive. Given the means, we hang on to them and often forget the ends."
~ on the future
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Alright these are little bit racist but (could be taken as a compliment) :P
-How do You kill a Jew without harming him in any way-Toss a coin and watch 2 jews fight over it to death.
-How do You Kill a catholic priest with out harming him in any way, toss a kid and watch them fight and the winner gets to fight Michael Jackson. ;D
How does the Chinese kids in class get so ahead in test scores? They look over white kids’ papers through slanted eyes…you can’t tell they’re cheating.
-What do you call a Jewish football game: To get the quarter back.
-You heard UFO sightings peak around Mexican holidays? Those illegal aliens need to go back to their world.
aresonaaal!!!! nyss ur taking over!!!
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srry spelled ur name rong :P
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
haha ..hathi raw3a :)
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Thanks gg ;D ;D
An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
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"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
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3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
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"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
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first one rocks lol
second one ..the guy is muta5alif lol
third one ..just simply HAHAAHAHHA lol
fourth one ......hahaha ..wallahi miskeen ildude da lol
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golden gurll Thanks ;) yallah hv gd laff
One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:
"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.
When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."
Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.
"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"
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LAWWWL ;D ;D
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!
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A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
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ya i am havin a laff lol .... HAHAAHAHAH lol
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A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
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more to come gg :D
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
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Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.
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In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup... gonna be a bear.
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A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "the dog."
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An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."
The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are.
Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"
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Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same
way - 'Take a clean dish."
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There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer..........
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He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
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Top 45 Oxymoron's:
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
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Letter of Recommendation -
While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.
Branch Manager
A second note following the report:
Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,.......
for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
Branch Manager
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There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh sh*t!"
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poor kid :(
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
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A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
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A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."
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The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
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Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.
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A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
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Dodi, you did a great job keeping my thread alive. :)
Thanks!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D
By the way thanks arsenal ::) but barca forever!!! :P :P
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The Me is back!!!! 8)
Female hormones in beer ::)
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
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Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
"I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."
"I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
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welcome ;D
keep up ur gd jokes man!!!
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LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, I'm gonna be a bear!
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@lily nice one. LMAO !!! :D
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey...
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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating a***hole!!", she screams.
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Girl:What if a boy hugs me?
Mom:Say don't
Girl:What if he kisses me?
...
Mom:Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her so well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!!!.......
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Girl:What if a boy hugs me?
Mom:Say don't
Girl:What if he kisses me?
...
Mom:Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her so well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!!!.......
LOL... :D
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I am bored... :( There's still 2 hrs left for the Spain game..
Three monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their private and put them in a room with an attractive girl with no clothes. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes ’ding-ding!’
"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes ’ding-ding!’
"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn’t ring. The woman nods. "Good, you’ve passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."
There he goes, "Ding-ding!"
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The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist.
The officials agreed. A famous hypnotist was hired. The event was publicized around town. Everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.
"sh*t," said the hypnotist. It took the town 3 weeks to clean up the mess.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. ;D
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Another....
::)
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
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Men Vs. Women :P :P
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your A** and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN...THEY WANT TO!!!!!!!
-
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
-
ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND ::)
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
-
Only in America :P
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
-
Only in the UK :P
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the young lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did the Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident"."
He won the case.
-
Real American Laws..... ::)
These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke!
Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. [SARASOTA] It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
-
Real American Laws..... ::)
These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke!
Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. [SARASOTA] It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
-
LMAOOOO nice ones kratos ;)
The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”
-
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary’s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple’s tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window.
“Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?” he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. “You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him,” he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, “Well I guess you’d be pumping gas and he would be the President.”
-
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
-
A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.
"I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man.
"And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still can't get the lid off the jar."
-
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your A**!"
... the teacher fainted!
-
Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
-
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
-
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says, ''if it happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
-
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped arefrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside arefrigerator...."
-
How did we know that Monica would testify?
Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed. ;D
-
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the *censored* difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
-
One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."
Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"
-
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken. :D
-
A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
“It hurts when I press here” (pressing his side)
“And when I press here” (pressing the other side)
“And here” (his leg)
“And here, here and here” (his other leg, and both arms)
So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong… “You’ve got a broken finger!
-
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know sh*t?"
-
The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, 'George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?'
George replies, 'Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.'
'Well,' one of the employees questioned, 'What happens if she is laying on her back?' George replies, 'Then I am 10 minutes late.'
-
For all you guys out there
who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule
applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she
dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the
point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your
favorite team..-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts
..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you
listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20
-
am i the only one posting here or what??
A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her.
She screams, 'Nein! Nein!' So two guys walk away.
-
Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: Far-from-thinkin ;D
-
kratos and dodi .
Thanks for making me laugh all day ..hahahaha
-
nytime ;)
Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”
-
A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times. After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.
"How's the food there?" asks the hooker. "Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"
-
What's the difference between, "Ooooh," and "Ahhhh?" About three inches. ;D ;D
-
What's brown and black and blue all over?
A brunette telling too many blonde jokes! :D
-
Top 5 (Lame) Question and Answer Valentine Jokes
Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe!
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you!
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
-
Great job dodi!!!! ;) ;) + rep!!! ;D ;D
-
Thanks kratos ;D
this q is for u:
What's long, hard, and full of seamen?
A submarine
HAHAHAHA wat did u think it was??
-
put them up slowly.
so each one is read properly
or i skip some jokes sometime because i see too many :P
-
put them up slowly.
so each one is read properly
or i skip some jokes sometime because i see too many :P
Yes, me as well!!! :P :P
-
put them up slowly.
so each one is read properly
or i skip some jokes sometime because i see too many :P
i want to but im too bored nd got nothing 2 do so im just posting ;D ;D
EDIT>>> did u like the q ;)
-
There was a chicken who had a farm!
Or was it the other way around?
-
Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
+rep dodi for all the jokes. You make my day
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awwww nd i always will ;)
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dodi > ur quotes in ur signature .....ROFL
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A patrol officer pulled over Enid for speeding. Enid was a 65 year old lady from out of state.
The officer asked to see her licence.
'Don't have one' Enid said.
'Can I please see the Vehicle registration' the officer asked firmly but politely.
'Nope' snapped Enid.
In that case I will have to take you into the Police station and charge you there. When they arrived they arresting officer said, to the duty sergeant. This lady has no licence and no vehicle registration.
'Sure I do' said Enid sweetly. This officer has got in for me, the next thing is he will be saying that I was speeding.
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Girlfriend > Are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend > sure, i checked the whole list again yesterday
;D
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Yo guys!
Here's a telegram from my A**
Telegram from my Arse ***
A young boy was out shopping with his mother in the local supermarket. While walking along one of the aisles the young boy let rip with the loudest fart he could muster.
"I beg your pardon!" said his mother "Was that you who did that?"
"Yep." replied the boy, grinning "It's a telegram from my arse to let you know there's a sh*t on its way."
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Canadian Lumberjack ****
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.
The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
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Chinese named Hans ****
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."
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loooooooooooool xD speaking of chinese :D :
Now You can learn chinese in 5 mins too! ^^
Here it is;
1) Great………………………………………..Fa Kin Su Pah
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive…………………..Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP…………………………………..Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man……………………………………Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse…………………………………..Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?……………………….Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table……………………Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift……………………Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here………………………..Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet…………………..Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone……………………….No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week………….Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight………………………….Lei ing Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile………………….Wa Shing Ka
15) That is not right…………………………….Sum Ting Wong
16) Your body odour is offensive…………………..Yu Stin Ki Pu
If u didnt get the joke, read this loudly again and think about what u said for a sec xD :P
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Yo Baladya!!! Or should I call you balalala.. :P :P
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Yo Baladya!!! Or should I call you balalala.. :P :P
lol hey man, long time no talk :S busy playing games xD ;D
Its time i change it back to Baladya xD
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lol hey man, long time no talk :S busy playing games xD ;D
Its time i change it back to Baladya xD
Okiee dokieee. :P But Balalalala sounds cuter!!! :P :P
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Okiee dokieee. :P But Balalalala sounds cuter!!! :P :P
Weirdo ::)
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Weirdo ::)
Retard. ::)
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lol don't fight over me guys :D
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lol don't fight over me guys :D
ur back :o :o :o :o ....where have u been mate? ....... *egy right ::) *
lol :P :P :P 8)
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lol don't fight over me guys :D
Weirdo ::)
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Weirdo ::)
Yo kid!! Your team lost :P.... So are you trying to pour your frustration on someone else? :P :P
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ur back :o :o :o :o ....where have u been mate? ....... *egy right ::) *
lol :P :P :P 8)
lol no m going in like 5 days :P
I m not really away its just that there is less things to do here, u know what i mean ;)
So m always playing games, going out, or surfing the internet :P
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lol no m going in like 5 days :P
I m not really away its just that there is less things to do here, u know what i mean ;)
So m always playing games, going out, or surfing the internet :P
ohh ya k ...lol :D ..well have fun there then :)
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Its a really funny fact xD ;D ;D
Bill Gates house was designed by a MAC computer xD ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D :D
FAIL xD
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Its a really funny fact xD ;D ;D
Bill Gates house was designed by a MAC computer xD ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D :D
FAIL xD
Yeah, epic fail!!!!! :P :P
But I like!! ;)
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im actually laughing. (i mean people find jokes funny, but its rare for a person to actually LOL).
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from a mother with love ;D
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said, ''DON'T WALK.'' ;D ;D
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There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
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Hahaha....nice ones dodi :D
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There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
i liyked them all ..keep it girl !! :D
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Thanks gg nd nid ;)
more to come......
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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Q. What's the difference between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein ?
A. It took Saddam 20 years to get that unpopular.
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Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then." ;D
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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This is supposed to ge a CLEAN jokes thread...
Can we please stop posting the sick jokes.
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
ya 7leelo :'( .. lol :P
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Yo :P
Hit the fan
A guy is really desperate to take a dump, so he goes into a nearby bar and asks the
bartender where the toilets are. The bartender says, “Go upstairs and it’s the second
door on the right.”
So the guy goes upstairs but can’t find the restrooms anywhere. So when he sees a hole
in the floor and he decides to crap in it.
After relieving himself, of a monster dump, he goes back downstairs and notices that
there’s no one in the bar.
“Hey, Where did everybody go?” He asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, “So, where were you when the sh*t hit the fan?”
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This is a clean joke!!!
Sex and Travel
1 guy walks up to a really pretty girl at the bar and says, “Hey, babe can I buy you a
drink?”
She says, "Do you like sex?"
The guy says, “Sure! Of course, I like sex.”
Them she asks, “Do you like to travel?”
The guy replies, “Yeah, I love to travel.”
“Well” she says, “Then *censored* off some where else.”
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Another.
The Winking Problem
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales rep for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his application and says,
“This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best university; your references are
wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second
thought. However, a sales rep has a highly visible position, and I’m afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you.”
“But wait,” says the guy. “If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!”
”Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of
condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the
bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and within a
minute stops winking.
“Well,” says the interviewer, “that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company,
and we will NOT have our employees womanising all over the country!”
“Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!” Protests the guy. “Well
then, how do you explain all the condoms?”
“Oh,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Now that was AMAZING!
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Lol at all
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lol.....but i read these somewhr ..... ::)
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Guide-"Good Morning people. Welcome to the Niagara Falls. These falls generate so much of noise that even 20 supersonic planes cant be heard.... Now ladies will you be quite so we can hear the falls?" :P
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haha lol
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Yo :P
I know the Whole Truth ****
At school a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
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Hahahaha! :D
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A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned
from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 7 June'07
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!
With regards-
Your loving Hubby
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LOL!
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: " Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£105,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £450,000" for it.
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £410,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £40,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: " Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£105,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £450,000" for it.
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £410,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £40,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
LMFAOOOOOOOO +REP MAAN!!!!
I ALMOST FELL OFF DA CHAIR FROM LAUGHTER!!!!
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hahahahaha :D nicee 1
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A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends
wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business
site and the owner read the card,…. "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than
getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,… 'Congratulations on
your new location!'"
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: " Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£105,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £450,000" for it.
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £410,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £40,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
OMG :o :o :o ..that's srsly hilarious :D D: D:D :D :D
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Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they
recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make
it "yesterday once more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when
they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to
the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for
his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed
up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying
on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
"Why didn't you come to our date?"
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me
to go…" : ) …...
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aewa di ..lol .. ive heard it b4 bas bil 3arabi lol
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Girl "…And are you sure you love me and no one else
?"
Boy: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Waiter :- Would you like to Have BLACK COFFEE..
COUSTOMER : "What other colors do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called
current affairs.
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The
others all died".
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hahahhaha lmao... :D
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American Football Players ***
An American football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
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Hot day in Texas :P
On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.
"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.
"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.
The old man asked, "Does that help?"
The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
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Proof Before Selling *** ::)
A little old lady moves to a new town and goes to her local grocery store to buy some cat food. She picks up 3 cans and takes them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. Lots of older people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the food for a real cat."
The little old lady doesn't like it, but she goes home and brings her cat back to the store. They sell her the cat food.
The next day she goes in to buy 3 cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food.
She angrily goes home to get her dog. When she brings him back, she gets her dog food.
The next day she comes into the store carrying a box with a hole in the lid. When she asks the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier refuses. "No, you might have a snake in there!"
The old lady insists, telling her that there's nothing alive in the box.
So the cashier puts her finger in the box and feels something odd. She pulls her finger out and says, "Eww, that smells like sh*t!"
The little old lady says, "It is. Now can I buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?"
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Politicians on a Bus Accident***
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."
The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
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Two Mice in a Bathroom ***
Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub. The first mouse looks over to his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks, "Wanna go for a swim?"
The second mouse quickly replies. "Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!!!"
"Well, why not?" says the first mouse.
"Well," starts his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming around and minding my own business and all of a sudden it got real dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and if somebody wouldn't have thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"
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From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
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A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends
wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business
site and the owner read the card,…. "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than
getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,… 'Congratulations on
your new location!'"
rofl!!!!
+ rep
-
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily."Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....
-
A doctor calls his patient
Doctor : I have some good news and some bad news
Patient : OK, give me the good news first.
Doctor : The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.
Patient : Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?
Doctor : The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.
-
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily."Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....
LOL!!! Now that was funny!
-
A doctor calls his patient
Doctor : I have some good news and some bad news
Patient : OK, give me the good news first.
Doctor : The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.
Patient : Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?
Doctor : The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.
LMAO!!! Now that is a good one, where did u get this from?
-
Thanks! ;D ;D
i got this from a site..
http://smilebank.blogspot.com
-
Teacher: What is your Name?".
Student: Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher: When I ask a Question in English, So answers it in English."
Student: Sir my name is Sunlight….
-
Teacher: What is your Name?".
Student: Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher: When I ask a Question in English, So answers it in English."
Student: Sir my name is Sunlight….
LOL!! These aren't exactly laugh out loud, but they make you smil! ;D
-
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I''have come to activate your phone lines."
-
Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.
-
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need." "Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."
-
Finally a clean guy for once! With clean jokes!
-
Thanks
but By the way im not so clean :P u shud see the amount of dirty jokes i hve on my site ;D ;D :P :P
-
It's obvious women are smarter than men…think about it – diamonds are a girls best friend; mans best friend is a dog…
-
It's obvious women are smarter than men…think about it – diamonds are a girls best friend; mans best friend is a dog…
Looool but dogs can fart and diamonds can't. ::) :P :P
-
Looool but dogs can fart and diamonds can't. ::) :P :P
hahahaha nice one kratos!! :D :D
-
Looool but dogs can fart and diamonds can't. ::) :P :P
iz tht good ???
-
iz tht good ???
This is guy talk. ::)
-
This is guy talk. ::)
LOL
-
Princess Xena is here :D
Marriage Counseling
A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counselor.
The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze.
The counselor then turns to the husband and says, "Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?"
Men ::)
-
Princess Xena is here :D
Marriage Counseling
A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counselor.
The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze.
The counselor then turns to the husband and says, "Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?"
Men ::)
Lamest (if there's such a word :P) joke I've ever heard.. ::)
-
Lamest (if there's such a word :P) joke I've ever heard.. ::)
I suck :D
-
I suck :D
Was there a doubt abt this? ::) :P
-
Was there a doubt abt this? ::) :P
I made a statement :D
-
I made a statement :D
How come you are up early today? ::)
-
How come you are up early today? ::)
How does that matter to you? :D
-
How does that matter to you? :D
Ohkay.
-
Princess Xena is here :D
Marriage Counseling
A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counselor.
The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze.
The counselor then turns to the husband and says, "Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?"
Men ::)
:D
not the lamest joke ...but the man is lamer than lame -.-
-
:D
not the lamest joke ...but the man is lamer than lame -.-
His wife must be -_-
-
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked at door, A lady opened it.
Before she could speak, the salesman rushed into the living room & emptied a bag of cow sh*t on the carpet
Salesman: Madam, if Im unable to clean this up with my new powerful vaccum cleaner in next 10 sec, i'll EAT all this sh**t
Lady: Do U need Chilli Sauce with that sh*t ?
Salesman:why?
Lady: Because there's no electricity in the house
=========================================
LOL
=========================================
-
:D :D Nice one. :D
I feel bad that I read several thousands of them... :-\
-
haha lol
-
:D :D Nice one. :D
I feel bad that I read several thousands of them... :-\
Thanks ;D
if u have read loadz , post some of them :D
-
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money:
fifty-thousand dollars!
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No.'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..'
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'
-
haha lol ...nice one xam :)
-
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money:
fifty-thousand dollars!
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No.'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..'
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'
Good one... :D
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haha lol ...nice one xam :)
Good one... :D
Thanks :D
-
LOL nice ones :D
--- Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-
LOL nice ones :D
--- Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
lol was he a blond too !
-
np xam ...dibss : nice one lol
-
lol was he a blond too !
LOL probs ::)
np xam ...dibss : nice one lol
thank you (:
-
anytime :)
-
Pope wore German replica football shirt as Argentina lost 4-0 in World Cup
Google goes gay
Was King Tut's penis too small?
Reporter discovers the shocking truth behind Acai Berry!
England players now say they feared for their lives when playing with an unpredictable football
Tigger Woods to be taken to 'the cleaners' in divorce battle
Taliban offensive routs NATO into Tora Bora retreat
FBI search for the 11th Russian spy as U.S. President Barack Obama loses his wireless internet connection
Bill Clinton angers America, leaves cave
-
Pope wore German replica football shirt as Argentina lost 4-0 in World Cup
Google goes gay
Was King Tut's penis too small?
Reporter discovers the shocking truth behind Acai Berry!
England players now say they feared for their lives when playing with an unpredictable football
Tigger Woods to be taken to 'the cleaners' in divorce battle
Taliban offensive routs NATO into Tora Bora retreat
FBI search for the 11th Russian spy as U.S. President Barack Obama loses his wireless internet connection
Bill Clinton angers America, leaves cave
Looooooooool!!!! :D :D Thanks for reviving the thread arsenal. ;D +rep. :P
-
+rep. :P
Love game begins ::)
-
Mental Patient at a Baseball Game
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its patients to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the patients immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the patients were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was water everywhere.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
-
Speeding at Golden Gate Bridge
Nelson, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding.
Wouldn't you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand & motioned him to the side of the bridge. Nelson pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going,
BOY?" Nelson thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! - 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Nelson, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Nelson's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Nelson, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!
Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Nelson answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Nelson's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Nelson.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Nelson explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked "What the hell do you do with a six foot a**hole!!!?"
Nelson nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
-
woohoo
-
nice job... ;D
-
Starting salary
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
-
Good News/ Bad News
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
-
look at this picture ;D
-
look at this picture ;D
I want to try this. Must be a thrilling experience. :D ;D
-
ahahaha ...sure ..if u cn stay alive till the end of the ride :D
-
A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.
As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'
'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'
The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'
-
A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.
As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'
'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'
The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'
Nice -_-
-
A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.
As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'
'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'
The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'
A very nice and most importantly no innuendos!
-
The Lawyer (Saurus mendicatus) is an omnipresent species of parasite known only to feast upon the vitality of human beings, and, alternatively, governments or corporations. Its long, fattened evolutionary history has produced in the Lawyer a propensity for an unsavory activity called litigation. Much as regular people rely upon a twisted few to collect bovine sperm samples, most human beings are so understandably averse to litigation as to leave the Lawyer with a lucrative monopoly with his hand up Justice's A**.
-
Barney is paedophile ? :P :-[
-
A Paris Hilton is an example of what scientists have long theorised would occur once a certain density of Pop Trash was achieved whilst mixing DNA with a peanut, an octopus and a bottle of Ambre Solare. Add the eye of Quasimodo, and the feet of Minnie Mouse into the mix, and hey presto! you've got Paris.
It is known more specifically as an Anti-Cultural Peanut Singularity and occurs as a result of a super massive cloud of Mass Marketed Crap colliding with an equally large cloud of Talentless Orange Bimbo and a peanut's DNA. Some of it's best-known characteristics include the bizarre feeling of having to film every sexual encounter it has, the absolute audacity to even try and co-exist in a human-dominated society as an equal, and the belief that it is morbidly obese and insists on starving itself so much it can disguise itself as a piece of bamboo and subsequently be eaten by a panda. The situation in the Los Angeles area is thought to be an ideal breading group for such a phenomenon. If there is significant total mass, the combined gravitational pull will create an Anti-Cultural Singularity; A cultural and intellectual vacuum from which no worthwhile thought can possibly escape. People are warned that if they encounter or are in a relationship/friendship with a "Paris Hilton", be advised that they cannot act, sing, dance, present, judge or multi-task, yet are very good in "acting" in sex tapes and doing the horizontal "dance" and using her oral skills to impress.
-
This is called science the fun way
-
NO!! NOT QUASIMODO'S EYYEE!! WHY U INSIG-------------*bleep*-------*hilton-badmouthing*------------------!!!!!
*sighs*
good god
-
If Women Didn't exist...All The Money In The World Would Have No purpose or meaning
-
Boy: Hey do you wanna go out with me??
Girl: I'm sorry but i see you like a brother
Boy: Well I didn't want to go out with you anyway it was a dare.
-
Boy: Hey do you wanna go out with me??
Girl: I'm sorry but i see you like a brother
Boy: Well I didn't want to go out with you anyway it was a dare.
i dnt knw whether to laugh or feel pity for them ;D
-
I wish i cud turn back time... grow up faster.. n f**k wid life before it started f**king wid me. :-*
-
If I seem to have somehow shown dat i give a sh*t, then i'd like to dispel dat impression. My belief is lifes too short to *censored* up the good parts, bt my conscience wont allow it
-
Bill Gates in Hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all?
Satan: That's what everyone thinks!
Lucifer: What about the PC?
Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!
Lucifer: Which three?
Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!
-
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellowish -brown colored substance. "This", he explained, "is stool. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
-
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellowish -brown colored substance. "This", he explained, "is stool. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Funny .
-
Funny .
Dirty mind always finds a way ... :P
-
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellowish -brown colored substance. "This", he explained, "is stool. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
sh*t! :P
-
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
-
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
-
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
HAHAHAHAHA!! Nice ones. :D :D :D
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Thanks :D
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I embarrassed you
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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One-wish genie!
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up & rubbed it, & lo & behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, " Nope, sorry. Three-wish genies are a myth. Most of us are just single types. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other. It will bring about world peace & harmony.
The Genie looked at the map & exclaimed: "Lady, be reasonable! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm, out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish & please make it a bit more reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute & said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful...and handsome. That's what I wish for....a good man I can marry and make my mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said "Show me the damn map again!"
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HAHAHAHA... very nice ones. :D :D :D
+ Rep. ;)
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I'm progressing :P
Thanks :D
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I'm progressing :P
LOL... :D
You made me laugh yesterday and now today in the morning. You made my day today. ;) ;D
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Someone saying that makes my day :)
Have a good day ahead :)
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One-wish genie!
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up & rubbed it, & lo & behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, " Nope, sorry. Three-wish genies are a myth. Most of us are just single types. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other. It will bring about world peace & harmony.
The Genie looked at the map & exclaimed: "Lady, be reasonable! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm, out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish & please make it a bit more reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute & said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful...and handsome. That's what I wish for....a good man I can marry and make my mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said "Show me the damn map again!"
The man version is better. ::)
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The man version is better. ::)
ohkay :P
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Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Painful rejections. :P :P
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I embarrassed you
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Nice one! :D
A man with brains. :P
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+rep nid. :D
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lol thanks :P :D
Pulling Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, she said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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lol thanks :P :D
Pulling Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, she said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
lol.
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Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter. ::)
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.
*ahem* :P
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap :P
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
;D
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You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap :P
Nice. I shall be a dog now. Woof Woof. :D
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Nice. I shall be a dog now. Woof Woof. :D
Just come back soon :)
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked...,
..."I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. :P
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Dan got a frantic call from his blond girlfriend.
"I've got a problem," she said.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?"
"A big rooster."
"All right, " Dan said. "I'll come over and take a look."
The woman led Dan into her kitchen and showed him the puzzle on the table.
"For Pete's sake Buffy," he exclaimed after he saw it. "Put the Corn Flakes back in the box!"
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Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. A little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to prick my finger till it bleeds," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
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haha lol :D
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Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. A little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to prick my finger till it bleeds," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
HAHAHAHAHA!! :D :D :D
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okay as gg said i m sharing one more stuff, sry to do it in the same topic but i dont think it would b worth creating a new topic 4 this.
NEWTON'S LAW OF STUDIES
A BOOK CONTINUES IN ITS POSITION OF REST OR EATING DUST UNTIL AND UNLESS MID-TERM OR FINAL EXAMS ARE ON!
hope u like it!
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master_key's left and right hand rule
keep ur finger and thumb as flemings left and right hand rule. all lefty write with their left hand but after the above position they would prefer to write with their right hand but they will make any1 else write 4 them.
same 4 righties
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;D ;D
1.Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
2. Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
3. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
4. What are the three fastest ways of communication?
Three fastest means of communication in the world.
Tele-phone
Tele-vision
Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?
(Tell her not to tell anyone )
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Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. A little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to prick my finger till it bleeds," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
LOL! ;D
Don't worry boy. ::)
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good jokes and a humerous poem..........
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;D ;D
You still want faster?
(Tell her not to tell anyone )
that is true :D
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1)A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
:D
2)A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
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The Ugly Duckling
Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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HAHAHA! Very Nice Jokes Nid. :D :D
+ Rep. ;)
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hey thanks :D
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The positive thinking poem.
* Little birdy in the sky,
* You look up and it shits in your eye.
* You don't mind and you don't cry,
* You just thank God that cows don't fly.
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I“ve written a poem for you:
Twinkle twinkle little star,
you should know what you are,
and once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far. ;)
What is the difference between MONKEY and DONKEY ?
MONKEY will read this message and DONKEY will skip this message ...
What you will do ? :D :D
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A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
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To: My Loving Wife....
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the
e-mail.
Meanwhile...
Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from
relatives and friends.After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now,and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey
is as uneventful as mine was.
Regards,
Ur Loving Husband.
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in
the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!
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A blind man enters a women's bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Haha......nice ones... :D
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A blind man enters a women's bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
poor guy. he is very dead
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The positive thinking poem.
* Little birdy in the sky,
* You look up and it shits in your eye.
* You don't mind and you don't cry,
* You just thank God that cows don't fly.
that deserves a LOL ..hehe :D :D :D
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1)A Sunday School teacher was watching her class as they drew. She asked one little girl what she was drawing. The little girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without looking up, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."
2) Glossary of Computer Terms
Obsolete - Your present computer.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.
Keyboard - A device used for generating computer errors.
Mouse - Device with similar function to keyboard but lacking the sophistication.
Floppy - How your wallet looks after you buy a computer.
Disk Crash - An event occurring when you have a deadline to meet.
Megabytes - What you do to your nails when you are in the disk crash situation.
Bits - What your computer becomes when you throw it out of the window in frustration.
System Update - A quick method of making your computer crash!
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A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
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Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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LOL! :D + rep but I have to first spread the love :P
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TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute
5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. "I musta
got 'em from my Daddy," said the little girl, "'cause Mommy's still got hers."
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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hahahahhahha
good one drevil!!!! ;D ;D
+rep
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okay maybe not i have to +rep sum1 else b4 i can do it to u again ;D :P :P
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my bro emailed me thsi although i didnt find it that funny everyone in my family were laughin like crazy after reading it ::) ::)
Dear Dad
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son
The next day, the son gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too!
love ur dad
;D ;D
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This place is alive!!
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Hahahaaha .. u guys made my day :D :D D:
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Nid and Drevil took over?
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Nid and Drevil took over?
only during your absence...now it's all yours :D
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only during your absence...now it's all yours :D
Nope. You two are doing pretty good job.. ::) It's all yours now.. ::)
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Nope. You two are doing pretty good job.. ::) It's all yours now.. ::)
It's yours. Period. ::)
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It's yours. Period. ::)
Nvm. :P
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In a poor zoo of Pakistan, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.
One day the lion thought it's prayers were answered when a US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to a US zoo.
The lion was pleased and started thinking of a central A/C environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card.
On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely, for breakfast. It opened the bag quickly but was shocked to see that it contained only a few bananas.
Controlling its anger, the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from Pakistan. The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.
Now the lion was furious. It stopped the delivery boy and blasted him, "Don't you know, I am the lion...King of the Jungle....What' s wrong with your management? What nonsense is this ? Why are you delivering bananas to me?"
The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle but....do you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa !!!
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Hotel Bill
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "This check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
-
A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having
difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local
schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had
been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.
Suddenly, it occurred to her that she hadn't noticed a
W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet),
so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.
The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish
priest and together they decided that it must mean
"Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:
Dear Madame,
It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C.
just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of
pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on
Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation
if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no
doubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their
lunches and make a day of it.
I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there
is an Organ accompaniment. The accoustics in the W.C.
are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.
My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush
for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The
looks on their faces were very interesting.
My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn't go regularly,
and she hasn't gone for nearly a year.
I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you,
where you will be seen and heard by everyone.
Hoping I have been of some assistance.
Sincerely yours,
The Schoolmaster
-
Nice drevil!! :D -rep!! :P :P
-
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class." ;D ;D
-
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about morality and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
-
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about morality and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
+ rep
-
+ rep
haha thanks :D :D
-
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class." ;D ;D
Lol.
-
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class." ;D ;D
lol ..always happens....one announcement and the class is empty within a second :D
-
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands
before the fight begins!
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding ?
To tell each other affectionately. ..
Sweetheart U R Dead!
There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
-
Titanic song remake for Orkut
Every time in my orkut
I see you. I scrap you.
That is how I know you
go on...
Far across the Scrap Book
And testimonials between us
You have come to show you. Go on..
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the friends list does go on
Once more you logged on
And you're here in my scrap book
And my scrap book will go on and on
Testimonials can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're friends
Love was when I saw your friends list
One true time I held on her 'about me',
In my life I'll surely view her/his profile
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the friends list does go on
There is some amazing profile that will not
go away
You're here, there's so much to fear,
And I know that my friend will know I checked her/him out
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my friends list
And my friends list will go on and on..
-
Readers discretion is advised!
Types of Farts! :D
ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSAULT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.
TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.
JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its
great escape.
GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the
person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
-
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
-
ROFL !! nice +rep !! :D
-
The Robbery
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.' Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
-
A man was praying to god.
He said, " God ?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to y ou?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, " God can I have a penny ?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!.......just a second ."
-
Readers discretion is advised!
Three women eating ice-cream
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies
"No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
-
Robot Trouble
One day Raju's dad bought a robot, The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Raju returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?". Raju answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Raju on his face. His dad told him son that his robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, "Why are you late?" "Dad I went for a movie", "Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", Splatt Raju got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen." Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things." Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Raju's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you!", to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Raju's mothers face."
-
Once president BUSH went to a school. After have a brief talk
with the children he asked them if they had any questions to ask
him.One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush: what's your name
John: john
Bush: what's your question
John: sir I have three questions
1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO
2) where is osama
3) why do America support Pakistan so much
Bush: you are an intelligent student john. ( just then the bell for
recess rang).
oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over.
After the recess
Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any
question?
Peter raises his hand
Bush :What's your name?
Peter : sir I have 5 questions.
1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO
2) where is osama
3) why do America support Pakistan so much
4) why did recess bell rang 20 mins before the scheduled time
5) where is JOHN?
-
Daughter-in-Law
It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.
The new wife, was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.
As expected she gave a speech, "My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. "No, I will never do that, never in a million years.
" "What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.
What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws) Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, and those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!
"And what are you here for?" enquired the mother-in-law.
"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST FOR YOUR SON !!"
-
Double Promotion
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one Of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is In the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals Office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to The principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks He would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his Questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, And he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd Grader should know. The principal looks at Ms.Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry Can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some Questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only Two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not Have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide, and before he could Stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does Sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that Means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself"
-
post 1 joke at a time :P
-
did every1 read?
-
Double Promotion
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one Of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is In the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals Office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to The principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks He would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his Questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, And he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd Grader should know. The principal looks at Ms.Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry Can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some Questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only Two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not Have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide, and before he could Stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does Sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that Means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself"
WELL DAMN!
-
did every1 read?
I did , but tbh i didn't like them much ..srry.
-
hahahaa... seriously +rep for the song...
-
The principal isn't smarter than a fifth-grader.
-
hahahaa... seriously +rep for the song...
Seriously???
-
THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
-
Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa." Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000." This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep.
-
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said.
"Very good," the teacher replied.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'.
That was a fine story, Sarah", said the teacher.
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley.
Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her
Plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was
A bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey
on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the
middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
“Stay far away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."
-
THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
Bwahaha! lol :D
-
THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
True. ::)
-
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's private parts.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
-
BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
==================================
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
----------------------------------
NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For instruktions, see bottom applikason.
*************
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
*************
2. First name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
*************
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
*************
5. Shos Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
*************
6.Occupason:
(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_)
Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
*************
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
*************
8. Read #7 agan & anser here: ___
*************
9. Mather name: _______________________
*************
10. Phather Name: ____________________ (don't leave blank)
*************
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 .............. (Circle highest grade completed)
*************
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish- ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
*************
14. Ice seight:
(_) One Ice(2x1) (_) Two Ice(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_)
Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6
*************
15.Your thumb imparesson :
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)
*************
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
-
During a recent password audit, it discovered a blonde was using the following password:
Mickey Minnie Pluto Huey Louie Dewey Donald Goofy Sacramento
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.
-
Lawyer's Mind...
One sunny afternoon, a priest, a doctor and a lawyer were stuck behind a particularly slow group of golfers. After three holes, they complained to the greenskeeper.
“Sorry, guys. That’s a group of blind firefighters,” the man explained. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here anytime for free.”
“That’s so sad,” the priest said. “I’ll say a special prayer for them tonight.”
“Good idea,” the doctor agreed. “I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
“I guess,” the lawyer said. “But why can’t they play at night?”
-
One wish each....
Three men stranded on a desert island, just after their luxury yacht sinks.
after a little while, they start foraging for supplies, and one of them finds a lamp, and says "I wonder...".
Anyway, he gives the lamp a rub, and POOMPH, out pops a genie, who says to the trio, "I will grant you one wish each".
so the laziest one goes first, and says "I wish I was at home, tucked up in bed".
The genie claps his hands, and POOMPH, he ends up in his bed.
The second one, being a lover of alcohol in all forms, says "I wish I was back in my local bar, with a busty barmaid serving me".
The genie claps his hands and POOMPH, he gets his wish.
The last man, being the slightly dozy one, says to the genie "I'm feeling lonely....I wish the other two were back here"
-
Wall...
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man in Jerusalem who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. That’d make a good story, she decided.
So she drove to the wall and, sure enough, there was the elderly gent, praying away. She watched him for an hour and, as he turned to leave, approached him for an interview.
“Rebecca Smith, CNN,” she said. “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?”
“Sixty years.”
“Sixty years! Amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for all hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“So how do you feel after doing this for so long?”
“Like I’m talking to a bloody wall!”
-
One day, while a blond was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blond started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blond is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blond giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times
-
Participation...
At the airport for a business trip, Bob settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then they heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So Bob and his family picked up their luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told everyone that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, they gathered their carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as they were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
Hatred...
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
-
BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
==================================
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
----------------------------------
NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For instruktions, see bottom applikason.
*************
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
*************
2. First name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
*************
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
*************
5. Shos Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
*************
6.Occupason:
(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_)
Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
*************
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
*************
8. Read #7 agan & anser here: ___
*************
9. Mather name: _______________________
*************
10. Phather Name: ____________________ (don't leave blank)
*************
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 .............. (Circle highest grade completed)
*************
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish- ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
*************
14. Ice seight:
(_) One Ice(2x1) (_) Two Ice(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_)
Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6
*************
15.Your thumb imparesson :
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)
*************
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
Please, show this to all those people here who crush English and make them pay a tax. ::)
-
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that jerk Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
-
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one!" - Winston Churchill, in response.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, " on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." – Stephen Bishop
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." – Irvin S. Cobb
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." – Oscar Wilde
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
-
A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains
are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she
decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with
a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father
looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"dammit Ginger, get away from her before she
shits all over you!
-
I did , but tbh i didn't like them much ..srry.
i just asked 4 the anthem (song) nothing else.
-
Nice drevil. :D +rep.
-
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
=======================================================
Little Johnny walks up to his Aunt and says , "my God, Aunt Edna why are you so damn ugly?"
His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. and screamed, "how could you say to your aunt is so damn ugly!
"Because she is," said Little Johnny.
His mother said, "You go back in there and apologize to her, right now! I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!"
Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so damn ugly."
=========================================================
-
LOL.
-
i just asked 4 the anthem (song) nothing else.
I LUBed the song tbh :D :D
-
here is another joke if u know hindi then u would understan.
Chichora was crying,Father came n askd him d reasn:Beta y r u cryin ? Tel me i m ur friend my son
Chichora Beta:Yaar kya batau maine horlicks thori zyada mang li aur teri wali mujhe marne lag gayi...
-
thiss one is 4 all
LOGIC QUESTIONS.
1.Wen will a horse hve 6 legs ?
2.Wen does monday cum b4 sunday?
3.Where do u find a lot of cities but not a single house ?
...4.How can u double ur money ?
THINK BEFORE U SEE ANS
AMAZING ANSWERS.
1.Wen sum1 rides d horse.
2.In a dictionary.
3.In a map.
4.Show it in front of mirror. gudmrng.
-
After doing mistakeAlways listen to your parents..they give u sound advise...
99 percent sound nd 1 percent advise :P
-
Paddy buys two Goldfish and names them 1 and 2. Mick asks "Why did you name them 1 and 2?" Paddy replies "Well if 1 dies I still have 2 left!" :P :P :P
-
After doing mistakeAlways listen to your parents..they give u sound advise...
99 percent sound nd 1 percent advise :P
true 1 :P
-
Sound Advice...haha :P :P
-
lessons in logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect.
But nobody's perfect
so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep.
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning.
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk.
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours.
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So... why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
what more can I say.
-
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.
COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."
GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.
COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"
-
Lol. So daydreamer is finally active. ::) :P Nice.
-
Lol. So daydreamer is finally active. ::) :P Nice.
today i m not active as much as i usually am
:-\
-
today i m not active as much as i usually am
:-\
What happened?
-
What happened?
no reason
just not feeling like it
-
no reason
just not feeling like it
Read some jokes. ;D They work fine for me.
-
Read some jokes. ;D They work fine for me.
thanks for the advice ;)
-
I suck.
What a joke
-
english to chinese translation ::)
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai
-
Reminds me of russell peters.
-
Why Canada does not participate in Global Events.
Russell Peters- for obvious reasons, it is a global event.
-
Impact of job change
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!
The passenger apologized and said:
"I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied:
"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."
-
Man runs home yelling:
"Pack your bags honey. I just won the 10 Million lotto..."
Wife: "Do I pack for the beach or mountains?"
Man: "Who cares? Just pack and get lost!"
-
Man runs home yelling:
"Pack your bags honey. I just won the 10 Million lotto..."
Wife: "Do I pack for the beach or mountains?"
Man: "Who cares? Just pack and get lost!"
lol
poor wife :D
-
Three women are at a house, one redhead, one brunette, and one blonde.
A genie appears and says the women can say anything, but if they tell a lie, they disappear.
The redhead says, "I think I am the smartest woman ever," and she disappears.
The brunette says, "I think I am the most beautiful woman on Earth," and she disappears.
The blonde says, "I think-" and she disappears.
Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords?
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said, "It had to be at least 8 characters long.
-
how'z this @KEY::
when i get older, i will be fatter, then call me khusath, just like the bhaibandh friend....just lik the bhibandh.......
-
how'z this @KEY::
when i get older, i will be fatter, then call me khusath, just like the bhaibandh friend....just lik the bhibandh.......
fantastic, replace khusath with some nice word
-
fantastic, replace khusath with some nice word
moti
-
moti
fine
-
fine
fine then....
-
Hey!! This is funny..I love the song and ur jokes except the Hindi one which ofc I didn't get since idk it :P
remind me to +rep u as soon as 2hrs r over since I +reppd already :P
nice..keep it up :D
-
tmk mmk smk ksh!!!!
-
Hey!! This is funny..I love the song and ur jokes except the Hindi one which ofc I didn't get since idk it :P
remind me to +rep u as soon as 2hrs r over since I +reppd already :P
nice..keep it up :D
now u wil understand!!!!!!!
Chichora was crying,Father came n askd him d reasn:Beta y r u cryin ? Tel me i m ur friend my son
Chichora Beta:Yaar kya batau maine horlicks thori zyada mang li aur teri wali mujhe marne lag gayi...
========================
Chichora was crying,Father came n askd him d reasn:Son y r u cryin ? Tel me i m ur friend my son
Chichora Son:frnd wat i tell now, i asked a little more horlicks and yr ne starteed bitting me
-
this some one SMSed me but i didn't understand
-
How To Look Busy...
* Being busy with work and looking like it are two different things. Master the art of looking busy. Read on...
* Never walk without a document People with documents look hardworking. Those with nothing in their hands look like they're going to the cafeteria.
* Carry loads of stuff home with you at night to show that you work longer hours than you really do.
* If your boss catches you doing nothing official on the computer...Your best defense is to claim you're learning a new software to save money.
* Messy desk Build huge piles of documents around your workspace, only top management can get away with a clean desk.
* creen all your calls through voice mail If somebody leaves a message for pending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there.
* Look impatient & annoyed to give the impression that you're always busy.
* Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out.
* Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (I.e. 9:35pm , 7:05am , etc.)& during public holidays.
* Creative sighing for effect Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
* It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
* Read computer magazines & pick out all the jargon & new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.
* MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
-
this some one SMSed me but i didn't understand
teri wali means gf(biwi)
-
here is one more in hindi
Nepali-Shaabji ye Shyam Singh ka mobile kidor milega? Salesman-Pta nahi Nepali-Shaabji addres to ishi dukan ka h Salesman-Abe ye Shyam Singh nahi,SAMSUNG h..
-
Ramchandra keh gaye siya se..
Aisa kalyug aayega,
.
....
ssshh
Volume kam kar, Papa Jag jayega.
-
one more
MATHS Teacher to our brilliant Master Key-
How can u distribute 8 apples among 6 people equally?
Master Key- juice bana k de do na madam
eng
MATHS Teacher to our brilliant Master Key-
How can u distribute 8 apples among 6 people equally?
Master Key- make juice and then give it to all of them madam
-
one more joke
in an Aptitude test master key was asked-
"RIVER KAVERI IS IN WHICH STATE?"
...
He ANSWERED -
Liquid State...!
-
An ordinary person will be with books.
But an extraordinary person will be in that book.
Be an extraordinary person like ME...!!!!
...I'm on
"FACE BOOK
-
hey out of 12 online members, no one read it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! blahhhhhhhhh
i didnt expect this frm u :( :( :(
-
i read it......i read it....
-
gathiya hain....kuch toh sharam kar...
-
hahahaha dr.evil...last comment is epic ;D
-
gathiya hain....kuch toh sharam kar...
tmk wats so bad in this?
-
take a look at this.....
Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window.
Banta: I did it without thinking, your Honor.
Judge: Thats no excuse! Don’t you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing by at the time?
-
a girl was attempting suicide by hanging her self with the rope.....Santa saw it thru a window.and guess what he said .....sirf latakne se height nahi badegi ..mami ko bol complan bhi pilaya kare.......;))))
-
Sardar standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Friend: Sardar u'll die.
Sardar: U'll die bcoz haven't u heard the announcement-the train is coming on platform?
-
Sardar went to meet his Chinese friend who is dieing in hospital.
Man says CHIN YU YAN and then he dies.
Sardar goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words.
...
The Meaning is YOU ARE STANDING ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!..
-
Does Chin Yu Yan seriously mean you are standing on the Oxygen Tube?? I don't think so.
-
it means get off my oxygen tube....
-
There were three guys in a forest.
Then they were being attacked by cannibals.
The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves the first apple up his a$$ and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"
______________________________________
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know
all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town,
the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had
been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if
he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first,
in the morning, with the older boy
to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you knowwhere God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an
even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room,
ran directly home & dove into
his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet,
he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time.
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
_________________________________________
-
SHE WAS SO BLONDE.................
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate"
* she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
* she got stabbed in a shoot-out
* she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
* she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday
* she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
* she sat on the tv and watched the couch
* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
* she tried to drown a fish
* she thought a quarterback was a refund
* she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
* if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
* they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
* under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
* she tripped over a cordless phone
* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
* at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
* it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
* if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
* she studied for a blood test - and failed
* she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
* she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
* she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
* she sold the car for gas money
* when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
* she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
* when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
* when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
* Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
-
LOL... :D Good ones...
+ Rep Ahana! ;)
-
lol glad you liked 'em :D
-
nice ones
ill rep you wen i can
so i owe you one ;)
-
that really made me LOL ... :D
-
Glad you'll enjoyed :D
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
___________
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that her battery was run out, so she instructed her son to use his phone to pass along an urgent message to daddy, who is at work.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a woman that picked up daddy’s phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work. Immediately upon seeing him, she gave him a hard slap,
while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap. People from the neighborhood rushed around to see what was going on.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the woman said to him when he called. Junior said, “The number you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment. Please try again later.”
_____________
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lol good ones sweety!!!
;D ;D ;D
-
hehe nice ones :D
-
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?" The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again! The man was astonished. He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
-
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?" The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again! The man was astonished. He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.
lol the typical joke you tell someone adn hne get ready to run
--
how do you the keeper of your building is egyptian?
he cleans the elevator at every floor
-
Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.
-
SHE WAS SO BLONDE.................
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate"
* she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
* she got stabbed in a shoot-out
* she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
* she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday
* she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
* she sat on the tv and watched the couch
* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
* she tried to drown a fish
* she thought a quarterback was a refund
* she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
* if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
* they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
* under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
* she tripped over a cordless phone
* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
* at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
* it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
* if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
* she studied for a blood test - and failed
* she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
* she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
* she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
* she sold the car for gas money
* when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
* she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
* when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
* when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
* Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
hahahaha... +rep
I lovee blond jokes.. loll ::) :D :D
-
Thankcha :D
This place is so friggin DUULLLLLLL ::)
People need to cheer up ::) :P
So here you go....for all those depressed asses out there ;D
(learn to laugh at stupid things ::) )
There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
___________
::)
-
GARFIELD FTW!!!!!!!! ;D
Garfield: Another day ruined.
[on seeing Odie bringing Jon's paper in for him]
Garfield: Oh, you little suck-up!
_________________________________
[Garfield shoves Odie off a chair]
Garfield: Down, dumb dog!
[Odie jumps on Garfield's chair again]
Garfield: Whoa... what part of "no" don't you understand? The push-off-the-chair?
[pushes Odie off the chair]
Garfield: Off! I don't wanna play!
[Odie jumps on Garfield's chair one more time]
Garfield: Look, what am I supposed to say? Thanks, for saving my hide with Luca? Okay, thanks for saving my hide with Luca.
[pushes Odie off the chair]
Garfield: Get off!
_____________________________
Jon Arbuckle: What am I gonna do with you?
Garfield: Love me, feed me, never leave me.
_____________________________
Jon Arbuckle:You know what the world needs?
Garfield:(thinking)More sugary treats!?
Jon Arbuckle: Love!
Garfield: What are you some kind of a nut?
_____________________________
-
Famous Garfield quotes :D
I'm not over-weight, I'm under-tall.
Diet is "die" with a "t."
I'll rise, but I won't shine.
I'm not messy. I'm organizationally challenged!
All I do is eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. There must be more to a cat's life than that. But I hope not.
Anybody can exercise... But this kind of lethargy takes real discipline.
Avoid fruits and nuts: after all, you are what you eat.
Some people have anxiety attacks, some people have gas attacks ...I have nap attacks.
Good times are ahead! Or behind. Because they sure aren't here.
Odie, let's talk effort versus return here. You know, you can still lead a pointless life without all that running around.
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gW2E65gbGRk/RokVhrKqVWI/AAAAAAAAAMg/zceE9lRztI4/s400/garfield_sleep.jpg)
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And moooore ;D
Garfield: (Lying down on the table) No animal is more graceful than a cat.
(Looks at the camera,still lying down and then moves head back to original position)
Garfield: You'll have to take my word for it.
___________
Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you.
Garfield: Feed Me.
___________
Jon: You should start each day with a smile.
Garfield: That's a pretty tall order. Couldn't I start with a smirk and work my way up?
___________
Jon: Do you know what I love about you, Garfield? You're so unpredictable.
In the space of a few seconds, Garfield, who had been lying peacefully on Jon's lap, rips off the sleeve of Jon's shirt, hits Jon in the face with a pie, yanks Jon's pants off his body, and kicks Jon's chair over backwards.
Jon: Me and my biiiiiiiig mouth.
___________
Garfield: If you can guess how many cookies are in this jar, you win the entire contents!
Jon: You ate them all, didn't you?
Garfield: WE HAVE A WINNER!
___________
Jon: You get the house filthy, and I clean it!
Garfield: Ah, the delicate balance of nature.
___________
Jon: Garfield, there was a pan of lasagna here. Where's the lasagna?
Garfield: (Grinning) Resting comfortably.
Jon: Where's the pan?
Garfield: (Clutching his stomach) Resting not so comfortably.
___________
Phone (Garfield picks up) May I speak to the moron of the house?
Garfield (Looking over his shoulder, seeing Jon and Odie) Could you be more specific?
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A major computer manufacturer has been asked to change the command " Press any key to continue" since many users could not find the "ANY" key on their keyboard. ;D
-
Father to son:
If You don’t pass your Exams this time
Dont call me DAD,
After some days……..
Father:How is your result?
...Son:Sorry Bhai Saab..
-
LMAO!
-
LOL... Nice ones... :D :D
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Shocking letter. :P :P
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Love
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
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Last two lines RUINED it
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@ kratos : Nice one ..Man it's soo WOW :D :D ..Made me laugh :) ......+rep
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hey this is the wrong section to post jokes
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nice... :P i wonder what the mom had to go thru :P
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okay bt this was made for a big joke!! right so lets continue....
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hey.......its so cruel.........the mum could hv a heart attack right then!!
especially if she had no patience 2 read the last 2 lines :P
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oh ohkie then i guess the mod should do the shifting !
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LOL good jokes ;D
+rep!
And exam's r?ght about the wrong sect?on.
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Management Lesson
You spent 100% income on your wife and get 10% satisfaction.
on the other hand
You spent 10% income on your girlfriend and get 100% satisfaction.
your money, your decision
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Talent...?
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!
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Must read this: :D :D :D :D
Fart Football...!!!
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm Ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got
And... accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
-
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to hisCustomer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it toyou."
The barber puts a dollar in one hand and 25 cents in the other, thencalls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes 25cents and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid neverlearns!"
Later, when the Customer leaves, he sees the same young boy comingout of the ice cream store.
"Hey son, May I ask you a question? Why did youtake 25 cents instead of the dollar?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
-
@evil big LOL
@gg........ ;D some ppl r over-smart :P
-
hahaha :D :D
-
"MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL Teacher: What is 5 plus 4? Mr.
Bean: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
-
Boy-Nice Dress
Girl-Thanks.
B-Nice Lipstick G-Thanks.
B-MakeUp bhi Kafi achha kiya He
G-Thank u 'BHAIYA'
...B-KAMAAL HE! Fir b achhi nahi lag rahi ho
-
Pathan Kaun Banega Crorepati Mein:
Q: What is you father name?
Pathan: Plz Options?
...
A. Dilawar
B. Changez
C. Feroz
D. Sultan
Pathan: Life line 50/50
A. Dilawar
C. Feroze
Pathan: Audience Vote.
75% Dilawar
25% Feroze
Pathan: I want to use My last life line “Phone a friend.”
Kisko call karengy?
Pathan: Apne baap dilawar ko!
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a joke which is only 4 who understands and does not speak on this.(*last line)
Teacher: Tum bade hokar kya karoge ?
Student: shaadi..!!!!!!
Teacher: nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge?.....
Student: dulha.!!!!!!!!!!!
Teacher: oh, i mean bade hokar kya hasil karoge?
...Student: dulhan
Teacher: IDIOT mera matlab bade ho kar mummy papa k liye kya karoge?
Student- bahu laaunga
Teacher: stupid tumhare papa
tumse kya chahte hai?
Student:
pota
Teacher: he bhagwan, tumari zindagi ka kya maksad hai?
Student: hum do humare do, jab tak teesra na ho......!!!!!!
-
Father to son:
If You don’t pass your Exams this time
Dont call me DAD,
After some days……..
Father:How is your result?
...Son:Sorry Bhai Saab.
-
Define, Biology and sociology?
.
.
.
If new born baby looks like his father it is biology,
...if he looks like his neighbor than it is called sociology
-
?1 day I read bunking class is bad,I left bunking.
1 day I read love is bad,I left loving.
1 day I read friendship is bad, I left reading...
-
lol @ all :D
-
lol @ all :D
Thanks
-
Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow !!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!
-
frn1-aaj kuch KHATARNAAK karne ki ichcha ho rahi he....
frn2-chal fir...thori si padhai kar lete he..!!!
-
A Fool can ask more questionsthan a wise man can answer…!!So,
.
.
.
There is no wonder that we are speechlessduring the viva in practicals..!!!
-
Girl asks santa "Will you marry me?"
Santa says "No. In our family we only marry relatives - mom married dad, bhaiya married bhabi, taya married tayi...!!
-
Pathan Kaun Banega Crorepati Mein:
Q: What is you father name?
Pathan: Plz Options?
...
A. Dilawar
B. Changez
C. Feroz
D. Sultan
Pathan: Life line 50/50
A. Dilawar
C. Feroze
Pathan: Audience Vote.
75% Dilawar
25% Feroze
Pathan: I want to use My last life line “Phone a friend.”
Kisko call karengy?
Pathan: Apne baap dilawar ko!
LOL XD
+Rep ;D
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Father to son on 12th August :P : Let me see your Report Card.
Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents. ::) :P
-
lol D: D:
-
Father to son on 12th August :P : Let me see your Report Card.
Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents. ::) :P
LOL... Nice. :D :D
-
The Jigsaw Puzzle...
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then ..........." he sighs, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
-
Jokes
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received
his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
--------------------------------
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
"You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.
"Try playing a game of fetch with him."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
-------------------------------
A recent survey was conducted to discover why blondes get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.
-
gosh.........nyssshh ;D
-
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received
his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
LOL XD
+Rep
-
read this
MUST READ:
this poem ws nominatd by UN as d Best Poem of 2008 writn by an african kid..
wen i born ,i black.
...wen i grow up,i black.
wen i go in d sun, I black.
wen i cold,i black.
wen i scared,i black.
wen i sick,i black.
wen i die,i stil black
n u white felow;
wen u born, u pink.
wen u grow up,u white.
wen u out in sun,u red.
wen u cold,u blue.
wen u scared,u yelow.
wen u sick,u green.
wen u die,u gray
n u cal me colored?
-
What is diff bet'n TRUTH & LIE
"Truth" is a Debit card -
Pay first and enjoy later.
..."Lie" is a Credit card -
enjoy first and pay later.
-
New Examination Patttern in India (Revised):
General Students: Answer All questions
OBC: Write Any One question
SC: Only read questions
ST: Thanks for coming.
...Cheers to Reservation
-
Galileo used 2 study in smal lamp. Graham Bell used 2 study in candle light. Shakspeare used 2 study in street light. Mujhe ye samajh nahi aata ke yeh sab Din Mein Kya Karte the?
-
this poem ws nominatd by UN as d Best Poem of 2008 writn by an african kid..
wen i born ,i black.
...wen i grow up,i black.
wen i go in d sun, I black.
wen i cold,i black.
wen i scared,i black.
wen i sick,i black.
wen i die,i stil black
n u white felow;
wen u born, u pink.
wen u grow up,u white.
wen u out in sun,u red.
wen u cold,u blue.
wen u scared,u yelow.
wen u sick,u green.
wen u die,u gray
n u cal me colored?
Hahaha awww this is so... unique. I love it!
+Rep soon :)
-
MR. BEAN (WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL)
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr.Bean: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
-
MR. BEAN (WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL)
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr.Bean: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
ye maine post kar diya tha? hahahaha
pretty late! :P
-
Woman in a book store: do u hav book called ''Women-The perfect intelligence" ?
Sales boy: "The comic department is on the other side-!":)...
-
Santa-"i saw u walking on a street u looked so perfect u'r face u'r eyes u'r hair I felt like singing a song"
Girlfriend-"oh how sweet which song"
santa- "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT."
-
Santa had twins; he named them Tin & Martin.
Again he had twins & named them Peter & Repeater.
Again he had twins & named them Max & Climax.
...
Next time he had twins, disgusted Santa named them TIRED & RETIRED!
-
"santa is driving a jeep in a jungle!!!
Tourist : How do we escape if lion comes now?
santa : Give right indicator and turn left."
-
A motorist hit a sparrow. He took d unconscious bird, put in cage with bread & water.Bird wakes up, luks around & screams: Salakhen! My God! I've killed the motorist...Lolz lolz..HAHAHAHA...
-
Son: Papa I saved 5 rupees by not going by bus but running behind it!Santa: O Stupid! You should have saved 50 rupees by running behind a Taxi..lolz lolz...
-
Examiner-ye kon si bird h iski tang dekh kr batao?Student-muje nhi pata.Examiner-tum fail ho gye ho. Wat's ur name? Student-le meri tang dekh k bata..:D..HAHAHA
-
Manmohan Singh: We are sending Indians to the moon next year!
Bush: Wow! Howc many?
Manamohan: 25 OBC, 25 SC, 20 ST, 5 Handicapped, 5 Sports Persons, 5
Terrorist Affected, 5 Kashmiri Migrants, 9 Politicians & if possible
1 Astronnaut
-
Lawyers & Grandma...
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you!'
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
-
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said "No."
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"
-
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
-
~ Before Marriage - - -
She: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
He: Do you want me to leave
She: HELL NO! Don't even think about it.
He: Do you love me?
She: Of course! Over and over!
He: Have you ever cheated on me?
She: HELL NO! Why are you even asking?
He: Will you kiss me?
She: Every chance I get!
He: Will you hit me?
She: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
He: Can I trust you?
She: Yes.
He: Darling!
~ After marriage - - - - - - - simply read from bottom to top !!
-
Missing
Farmer: Quite a storm we had last night.
Neighbor: Yep, it sure was.
Farmer: Did it damage your barn any?
Neighbor: I dunno. I haven't found it yet.
-
Raise
Employee: I've worked here for over twenty years and have never asked for a raise.
Employer: That's why you've worked here for twenty years.
Wife influence
Employee: My wife says I should ask you for a raise.
Employer: I'll ask my wife if I can give you one.
-
~ Before Marriage - - -
She: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
He: Do you want me to leave
She: HELL NO! Don't even think about it.
He: Do you love me?
She: Of course! Over and over!
He: Have you ever cheated on me?
She: HELL NO! Why are you even asking?
He: Will you kiss me?
She: Every chance I get!
He: Will you hit me?
She: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
He: Can I trust you?
She: Yes.
He: Darling!
~ After marriage - - - - - - - simply read from bottom to top !!
I have that in Arabic .......LOL ..keep up the gd work ;)
-
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
-
Where Is God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into
trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred
in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to
see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old
first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman
in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So
the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner
tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the
boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly
home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind
him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he
asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in
BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think
WE did it!
-
The Zen Master
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He
goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Please make me
one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen
Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in
the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
-
Chinese simplified :D
Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift
Dum Gai - A stupid person
Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia - Approach me
Lao Ze Sho - Dawson's Creek
Lao Zi - Not very good
Lin Ching - An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai - A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting -- There is no reason to raise your voice
-
Beethoven's Ninth
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.
In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes
during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather
than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some
bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern
next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass
violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch.
"Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we
might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of
the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a
few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert
hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time,
a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a
bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's
the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists
are loaded."
-
The Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly
his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a
hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting
below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall
towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out,
“Oh, my God! Help me!”
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung
in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said,
“I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“God, come on, give me a break!” the man pleaded, “Just
seconds ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster
either!”
“Well,” said God, “now that you are a believer, you must
understand that I won’t work miracles to snatch you from
certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change
hearts. What would you have me do?”
The atheist thinks for a minute then says, “God, please
have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.”
God replies, “So be it.”
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling
towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness
Monster folds his claws together and says,
“Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided.....”
-
The Catholic Fish
A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community.
Being good Catholics, they welcomed him into their community.
But, also because they were good Catholics, they
did not eat red meat on Fridays. So when their neighbor
began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they
began to squirm.
They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about
it. After much talk, they convinced him to become Catholic.
The next Sunday, he went to the priest and the priest
sprinkled holy water on him and said, “You were born
Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are
Catholic.”
And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat
their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef
coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk
to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed
to eat beef on Fridays.
When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef
saying, “You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But
now you are fish.”
-
You Know You’ve Been Online Too Long When...
Tech Support calls “YOU” for help.
When you are reading something printed, you wish you
could use a search function to get to the point.
You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know
there’s nothing there.
You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people
won’t know you’re online again.
You find yourself lying to others about your time online and
when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it
was off the hook.
You type messages to people while you are on the phone
with them at the same time.
You type faster than you can think.
You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast
that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
-
The Catholic Fish
A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community.
Being good Catholics, they welcomed him into their community.
But, also because they were good Catholics, they
did not eat red meat on Fridays. So when their neighbor
began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they
began to squirm.
They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about
it. After much talk, they convinced him to become Catholic.
The next Sunday, he went to the priest and the priest
sprinkled holy water on him and said, “You were born
Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are
Catholic.”
And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat
their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef
coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk
to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed
to eat beef on Fridays.
When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef
saying, “You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But
now you are fish.”
Lol!!! :D :D + rep
-
Lol!!! :D :D + rep
I'm glad you liked it. :D
-
LOOL Nice ones Drevil :D +rep
-
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in
BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think
WE did it!
When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef
saying, “You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But
now you are fish.”
LOL :D ;D
+Rep
-
LOL + rep
-
Computer Husband
Husband: ( returning from work ) Evening dear, I'm logged in now.
Wife: Have you bought the ring?Husband: Bad command or file name.
Wife: But I had told you in the morning...
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: My dress atleast...?
Husband: Variable not found.
Wife: It was a grave mistake that I married you!
Husband: A true case of data type mismatch.
Wife: You're an useless nut.Husband: By default.
Wife: What about your salary?Husband: Filed in use.
Wife: And who was in the car this morning?
Husband: System unstable. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot.
Wife: Will you have something?
Husband: Hard disk full.
Wife: What's with your secretary?
Husband: The only user with write permission.
Wife: What about me?
Husband: Unknown virus detected.
Husband: Do you love me or your PC?Husband: Too many parameters.
Wife: I'm breaking up with ya.
Husband: Program performed illegal operation. It will close.
Wife: I'm leaving.
Husband: Close all programs and log out for another user.
Wife: It's a waste talking to you.
Husband: Shut down the computer now.
Wife: Good bye.
Husband: It's now safe to turn off your computer.
-
Scientists and God
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that
man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So
they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were
done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve
decided that we no longer need You. We’re to the point that
we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so
why don’t You just go on?”
God listened very patiently and kindly. After the scientist
was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this?
Let’s say we have a man-making contest.”
To which the scientist replied, “Okay! Great.” But God
added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did back in the
old days with Adam.”
The scientist said, “Sure, no problem!” and bent down and
grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your
own dirt!”
-
Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day,
and as always the preacher was standing at the door
shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed
my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the
Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord,
Preacher.”
The preacher questioned, “How come I don’t see you
except for Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
-
Buddhist at the Dentist
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s
Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
-
Buddhist Monks and the Prayer Flag
Four Buddhist monks were meditating in a monastery. All of
a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.
The younger monk came out of his meditation and said:
“Flag is flapping”
A more experienced monk said: “Wind is flapping”
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years
said: “Mind is flapping.”
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed:
“Mouths are flapping!”
-
Earl and His Friends
Earl was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know
everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone,
and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Earl
how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.“
So Earl and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on
Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts,
“Earl! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in
and join me for lunch!”
Although impressed, Earl’s boss is still skeptical. After
they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Earl that he thinks Earl’s
knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone
else,” Earl says.
“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Earl says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Earl on
the tour and motions him and his boss over saying, “Earl,
what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you
and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee
first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally
convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his
doubts to Earl, who again implores him to name anyone
else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Earl. “My folks
are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome. Earl and his boss are assembled
with the masses in Vatican Square when Earl says, “This
will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all
these people. Tell you what: I know all the guards, so let
me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with
the Pope.”
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later, Earl emerges with
the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Earl returns, he
finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded
by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Earl asks him, “What
happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and
the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me
said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Earl?”
-
Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the
night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful
friend awake. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what
you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we
are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
“Watson, someone has stolen our tent.”
-
Van Goghs’ Relatives
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them
were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn
Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half brother: Grin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie
Bay Gogh
-
Catching A Unique Rabbit
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
-
Great Jokes DrEvil!
Nice to read! :)
-
Great Jokes DrEvil!
Nice to read! :)
Glad you liked them. :D :D
-
nice as always :D +rep
-
nice as always :D +rep
Thanks. :D
-
Catching A Unique Rabbit
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
LOL.
Good ones ;D
-
LOL.
Good ones ;D
Thanks. :P :P
-
goood =)
loouwe them :p
-
The prospective son in law was asked by his girlfriend's father,
"Son can you support a family?"
"Well, No sir , he replied
"I was just planning to support your daughter.
The rest of you have to fend yourselves."
-
The prospective son in law was asked by his girlfriend's father,
"Son can you support a family?"
"Well, No sir , he replied
"I was just planning to support your daughter.
The rest of you have to fend yourselves."
hahahhahahha nice one
-
thanks Kim!! :)
-
Fil da wrdz as soon as posible..
f_c_
b_o_s
d_c_
...__nd_m
i knw u guesd al wrng..
da answrz are
face
books
dice
random..
-
Arrested for laughing!!
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young Woman who was several months pregnant was sittin in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her
she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat & he seemed more amused.
...She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case on him.
In the court the Man's defence was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming Soon- The unknown boon'..
I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's stick did the trick'..
Then I could not control myself any longer,
when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident..
The case was dismissed.the judge fell off his chair laughing.
-
In IIT exam,santa got a question
Prove
sinx=6n
...Santa cancelld n from both sides
Then
six=6
&
wrote
'Kuch to standard rakkha karo IIT ke question ka
-
Using ur brain is strictly prohibited wen u enter in exam hall.
Q- U r in a boat in middle of river. U hav 2 candles & hav to light any 1 candle. U dnt hav anythng wid u in d boat. How 2 do it?
Ans-Take 1candle & throw it in d water.So d boat wil become LIGHTER. using this LIGHTER u cn light d other Candle.
...Another deadly ans-U throw a candle up & catch it. Catches win Matches. Using Matches u can light d candle.
If dat wasnt enough,1more ans-take water in ur hand & drop it drop by drop(TIP-TIP) "TIP TIP barsa Pani, Pani ne aag lagayee" us aag se hamne candle jalayee.
If dat wasnt enough even til now,1 more ans-start praising 1 candle, d other will get jealous & get lighted up.
this is style of answering in xams-Logic ho na ho length honi chahiye! Hws it?
-
Short story....
2 friends!Mr.See and Mr.Saw... One day Mr.see saw sea &Mr.saw didnt see sea.See saw sea & jumped in sea.Saw didnt see sea but jumped in sea. See saw, saw in sea&saw saw, see in sea.See saw both saw sea and both saw and see were hapy to see sea.
The End
Any doubt?
...Dont ask me.
-
If Columbus had
been MARRIED
he might hav never
discoverd
America..
...
Bcoz :
Whr r u goin?
Wth whm?
Hw r u goin?
2 discvr wht?
y only u?
Wht do I do, whn
u r nt here?
Cn I cm?
Cmng back
whn?
Dinner ghar par
hi khaoge na?
Mere liye kya
laoge?
-
pROVE 1 RE+=100PS
MEDICL STUDNT ab toh uupar wala hi ye kr sakta hai
COMMERCE STUDENT chodo its not in course
...
ENGINEERING STUDENT lhs=1Re
=100ps=10psx10ps=.1Rpx.1Rup
=.01Rs=1Ps thus 1re=1Ps hence provd
-
An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:
Dear Dad,
...Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari
599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son,
Nasser
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
-
Air and students have da same mentality.......
.
.
.
.
...hw??!!
.
.
.
both turn da pages without readin!!! :D
-
who says english is easy
fill in the blanks with yes or no
________i am mad.
________i dont have sense.
________i am fool.
...
-
Santa asked guest- Thanda Loge Ya Garam.
Guest- I will take both..
Santa- Pretooooo...
...
Preeto- JI Sardaar ji
Santa- Ek glass freezer se or ek glass geezer se PANI le aao..
-
Santa got a new job in vodafone..
But See Santa again is so unfortunate here..
He was fired on the first day Because...!!!
...
1st caller- yaar mera vodafone ka sim nahi chal raha hai...
Santa- Arre tussi vi na.. to airtel ka le le..
-
Panda Joke
A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the special of
the day. He eats the food, gets up and shoots the waitress
dead.
The hostess runs over to the Panda and says, “What did
you do that for?”
The Panda then says,”Look up ‘Panda” in the dictionary,
Miss and you will see...”
And with that, the Panda walked out of the restaurant.
The hostess then rushes to a dictionary, looks up ‘Panda’
and reads...”Panda, n., mammal, eats shoots and leaves.”
-
The Pope and the Trooper
The Pope comes to America. Of course, he’s very busy.
Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has
the same limo driver daily.
One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak
away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks
on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat
eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat.
Driver: Your holiness! I’m so sorry. Where can I take you?
Forgive me!
Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I’d like to take the car for
a drive. I’m the Pope, and everything is done for me. I’ve
never driven an automobile. Please allow me.
Driver: Certainly, Your Holiness. Let me assist.
Pope: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.
The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it
as he has never done this before. After hitting several
parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, he is pulled over
by a state trooper.
The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the
driver’s window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window,
Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately,
he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.
Trooper: Governor, this is State Trooper Wilson. I’ve just
pulled over the most important person in the world for a
serious traffic violation but I don’t know what to do.
Gov: Wilson, who could you possibly have pulled over?
Trooper: I have no idea, but he’s sitting in the back seat of a
limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!
-
Chess At The Hotel
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and
asked them to disperse.
“But why?,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer.”
-
The Indian Chief Predicts the Weather
An old Indian Chief was famous for predicting what the
weather would do.
A group of people went up to the Chief and asked him,
“What will the weather be like tomorrow?”
The Chief replied, “... Much rain. Very wet.”
The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more
people went up to the Chief and asked, “What will the
weather be like tomorrow?”
“... Much snow. Very cold.”
Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.
The next day, people were so impressed with this, they
asked him another time. “Chief,” they asked, “what will the
weather do tomorrow?”
The Chief replied, “... I dunno. Radio broken.”
-
Canadians and Americans Avoid a Naval Battle
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released
by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South
to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees
the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS
LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
-
A Yankee and a Texas Nativity
In a small Texas town, there was a Nativity scene which
showed that great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
One feature, however, bothered me. The three wise men
were wearing firemen’s helmets.
At a store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets. She looked skeptically at me
and remarked, “You Yankees never do read the Bible!”
I assured her that I did, but that I simply couldn’t recall
anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
through some pages.
Finally, she jabbed her finger at a
passage and said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise
men came from afar.’”
-
You’re Not a Monk
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a
monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door,
and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay
the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix
his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a
monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the
only way I can find out that sound is to become a monk,
how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how
many blades of grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will
become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he
returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says,
“I have traveled the earth and have found what you have
asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks
lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
“The sound is right behind that door.” The monks give him
the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is
another door made of stone. The man demands the key to
the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens
it, only to find a door made of ruby.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz, amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the
last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He
unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is
amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
-
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde (OK. Choose brunette if you don’t like
blond jokes), on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of
alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans
prices.
“I’ll just catch my own alligator,” she told one shopkeeper,”
so I can get a pair of shoes for free.” She stomped out of
the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the
blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand,
with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The
shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to
haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other
dead alligators were lined up.
“Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay. “This one isn’t
wearing any shoes either!”
-
Three Ministers and a Priest
Three ministers and a priest played golf together every
week. They decided to visit each other’s churches. So the
following day, the three ministers showed up at an early
morning mass at their friend’s church. There were no empty
pews, so they stood in the back.
When the priest saw them, he whispered to the little
acolyte, “Get three chairs for the Protestants.” The boy
looked stunned and sat down.
The priest pointed in the back to where the clergy were
standing and repeated, “Get three chairs for the Protestants!”
The confused boy still stared back blankly.
Exasperated, the priest said emphatically, “PLEASE! Get
three chairs for the Protestants!”
The dismayed acolyte stood before the congregation and
announced, “Ladies and gentlemen. This is the first time it
has ever been done in this church, but let’s all stand and
give three cheers for the Protestants!”
-
Speeding Ticket
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police
helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began
to issue a traffic ticket.
“How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver
asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against
me?”
-
Two Moose Hunters
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake
in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a
large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the
pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t
lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals.
You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees
on the take off.”
“That’s baloney!” says one of the hunters. “Yeah,” the other
agrees, “you’re just chicken. We came out here last year
and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn’t
afraid to take off!”
“Yeah”, said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any
bigger than yours!”
The pilot got angry, and said, “Hell, if he did it, then I can do
it! I can fly as well as anybody!”
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost
made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end
of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke
up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers
all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his
head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush,
looked around and said, “I’d say... About a hundred yards
further than last year.”
-
A Real-Life Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective
Sherlock Holmes, told of a time when he climbed into a taxi
cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned
to him and asked, “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?”
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever
seen him before.
“No, sir,” the driver responded, “I have never seen you
before.”
Then he explained: “This morning’s paper had a story about
you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand
where people who return from Marseilles always come to.
Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink
spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are
a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French.
Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that
you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“This is truly amazing!” the writer exclaimed. “You are a real
life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!”
“There is one other thing,” the driver said.
“What is that?”
“Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”
-
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the Armed Forces,...which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals,so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!
-
Brilliant Sardar
Professor : which was the first silent film in hindi ?
Sardar : If d film was silent,Hw could u know tat it was Hindi?
Professor shocked
Sardar rocked !
-
Santa in library bangs a book and says: Too boring, too many characters and no story.Librarian: So you are the one who took the phone directory away?
-
Sardar went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
Sardar: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?
-
too funny!!!!!!!!
-
height of language misuse
Student was watching a monkey playing outside the class window
when professor suddenly notice him and scolded:
Why are u watching the monkey outside when i m in the class!!!!
-
too funny!!!!!!!!
who's jokes???
-
jokes which were posted above before i post mine! :)
-
jokes which were posted above before i post mine! :)
xactly above, then mine, hindi ones?
-
daru ki wajah se barbaad santa ne kasam li aur ghar se daru ki bottles fekne laga.
1st fek k bola- teri vajah se meri nokri gayi..
2nd fekte - bola teri vajah se mera ghar bika..
3rd fekte bola- teri vajah se meri BV chali gayi..
4th uthai toh wo bhari hui nikli toh bola---- tu side me ho ja isme tera koi kasoor nahi
-
?? A Manager, his Assistant, one old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes o...ut of the tunnel. The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed. The Manager is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
The Old woman is thinking:
These Managers are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
The Young girl is thinking:
The Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.
The Manager is thinking:
Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
The Assistant is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my Manager again. He keeps harassing me in the Office.
-
see this
http://socialkonnekt.com/amazingn.htm
-
Funny Doctor & patient Discussion
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
...The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
-
Dear Boss,
People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes
People who do less work...
make less mistakes
...
People who do no work...
make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted
-
Kids and teachers hate me…
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!
...
But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.
Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.
Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!’
Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.
Give me two reasons why I should go to school.
Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!
-
8) Keep it alive 8)
-
8) Keep it alive 8)
i will try to keep it alive, but no one reads here, thats bad!
-
POWER OF REAL FRIENDSHIP :
A boy was late 2 home. His father "kaha tha tu?"
Boy "Friend ke yaha tha"
Father called his 10 friends.
5 answered "yes, yahi par tha!"
...3 answered "abhi just nikla hai"
2 answered "yahi hai uncle, pad raha hai. phone du kya???"
-
Ek baar santa ke car ke niche ek kuta tha santa ne use dekha aur usaka poonch pakda aur khechte hue bola bada aaya automobile engineer banne!
-
Sardar Ji: The people next door must be poor.
Jeeto: Why do you say that?
Sardar Ji: Bcoz they made such a fuss when d baby swallowed a 10 paisa coin.
-
i will try to keep it alive, but no one reads here, thats bad!
*i read i read!!*
-
*i read i read!!*
how did u feel?
-
Brilliant Sardar
Professor : which was the first silent film in hindi ?
Sardar : If d film was silent,Hw could u know tat it was Hindi?
Professor shocked
Sardar rocked !
Like for this +rep!
-
Like for this +rep!
Thanks
-
i read but not the hindi ones obvsly -__-
-
xactly above, then mine, hindi ones?
hindi ones!!!!!
and then yours!
-
hindi ones!!!!!
and then yours!
that hindi ones were mine i think.
-
Maths teacher:
If
you have 12
chocolates and you give
...5 to Priya,
3 to Sonia and
2 to Neha
then what will u get????
....
.....
......
......
Kid: 3 New Girlfriends Mam!!! :PSee more
-
A mouse was dancing
& enjoying in a Lion's Wedding. An Elephant
was surprised to see this and asked: Hey Buddy, Why are YOU
dancing & enjoying so much?
Mouse
...continued enjoying & dancing & replied
calmly: You may not be knowing, but before my marriage, even I
was a Lion.
-
First Kid: Once
when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit me and
I fell down on the earth unconsciously.
...
Second Kid: Oh
my God! Did you survive that accident or you died.
First Kid: I
don’t remember exactly, I was only
3 yeas old at that
time.
-
A Russian
ship was
sinking.
...
Captain:
Does
any one know how to pray?
An
Indian priest comes forward and says he can pray.
Captain:
Ok priest, you pray; Everyone else in ship will wear a life jacket. We are short
of one.
-
Husband:
Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3
movie tickets.
...Blonde
Wife:
Why three?
Annoyed
Husband:
For you and your parents. :P
-
Girl 1: When
my
grandfather died he left 10 million dollars.
Girl 2: When
...
my grandfather died he left 20 million dollars.
Girl 3: That’s
nothing, When my grandfather died he left the whole world.See more
-
Little boy:
Aunty, what is inside your stomach?
...
Pregnant Lady: It's a cute little baby.
Little Boy: If it is cute, why did u eat it? :P
-
First Kid: Once
when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit me and
I fell down on the earth unconsciously.
...
Second Kid: Oh
my God! Did you survive that accident or you died.
First Kid: I
don’t remember exactly, I was only
3 yeas old at that
time.
ROFL
the jokes are amazing master key :D
-
Our Life has become so 'Less' now.
Our Telephone: Cordless
Our Cooking: Fireless
Our Food: Fatless
Our Dress: Topless
...Our Youth: Jobless
Our Leaders: Shameless
Our Govt: Hopeless
Our Job: Thankless
Our Police: Clueless
Our Policies: Aimless
Our Labour: Effortless
Our Conduct: Worthless
Our Relations: Meaningless
Our Attitude: Careless
Our Feelings: Heartless
Our Eduction: Valueless
Our Argumnts: Baseless
Our Future: Directionless
But still Our Expectations r ENDLESS.
-
ROFL
the jokes are amazing master key :D
Thanks. see the older jokes also, they are also of the same kind.
-
Thanks. see the older jokes also, they are also of the same kind.
yea was readin them, +repped u xD
-
yea was readin them, +repped u xD
Thanks, but did u read all of them?
-
Thanks, but did u read all of them?
dunno since what page ur posting, i jsut read back 2 or 3 pages ,,,haha
-
Santa for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was 'FATHER'. He replaced friend with father in the essay and it read:
" I`M A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS, SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOR. MY MOTHER LO...VES ALL MY FATHERS. "
-
Physics ka baap. All scientists fail to ANS this but Samarth rocks.
Q: Which liquid thing turns solid on heating?
?
...
Ans: BESAN DE PAKODE
-
Physics ka baap. All scientists fail to ANS this but Samarth rocks.
Q: Which liquid thing turns solid on heating?
?
...
Ans: BESAN DE PAKODE
ROFLL
n lol tht santa one is soo perrvvetted ::)
-
Physics ka baap. All scientists fail to ANS this but Samarth rocks.
Q: Which liquid thing turns solid on heating?
?
...
Ans: BESAN DE PAKODE
U r nevr such jokey in class
liked ur jokes and thoughts
-
U r nevr such jokey in class
liked ur jokes and thoughts
jokey....or JOKER!!
-
U r nevr such jokey in class
liked ur jokes and thoughts
Thanks
u started posting, now u just see, dont get addicted to SF as theonlyone "is already addicted".
-
jokey....or JOKER!!
anything, if u call me a joker then u just wait and watch, wait till monday because we hav holidays now, teri to me baja dunga......... ghanti................
-
Its a 'Clean' jokes thread ::) ::)
-
Its a 'Clean' jokes thread ::) ::)
now its a clean jokes thread.
-
If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a NEW STYLE
If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a NEW VENTURE
If parents makes a mistake,
...It is a NEW GENERATION
If a scientist makes a mistake
It is a NEW INVENTION
If a tailor makes a mistake
It is a NEW FASHION
If ur ADMIN makes a mistake
It is a NEW IDEA OF FUN
If a page member makes a mistake
It is a Mistake Only and lead to PROBATION OR BANNED,,
-
''United we stand ,divided we fall,'' ka hindi version..............................''sangathan me shakti hai,....akele me phat ti hai''......
-
A
team f enginers wre requird 2 measre d hite f a flag pole.Dey only had a measurin tape n wre gettin quit frustratd tryin 2 kip d tape along d pole.It kept fallin dwn. A
mathematician comes along, finds out dere prob, n proceeds 2
remove d pole 4m d ground n measure it
easily. Wen he leaves, 1 engineer says 2 d other:... "Just like a
mathematician! We need 2 know d height, n he gives us d length!"
-
Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".
-
Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....
-
If ur ADMIN makes a mistake
It is a NEW IDEA OF FUN
If a page member makes a mistake
It is a Mistake Only and lead to PROBATION OR BANNED,,
You just made a BIG MISTAKE, sonny :P
-
LOL :D
-
where is Kratos and Mony and all the old crazy guys :D?
-
Mony's gone :(
-
You just made a BIG MISTAKE, sonny :P
but it was a joke.
-
"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
-
but it was a joke.
I was kidding, man ::) ;)
-
Teacher : define the word LECTURER
Salmaan : LECTURER is a person who has a bad habit of speaking when someone is sleeping....
-
Wenevr U Fall Down,
Never Lose Hope,
Gather All YOUR Courage & Strength..
Just Get Up & Say
.
....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Waiiiterr, ONE MORE VODKA Pleeeaaaase"
-
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!"
Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "Al Gore to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly,
I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.
:P
-
Nice one. We Indians are cool 8)
But I'm Israeli-Indian.... so I'm even cooler :P
-
Aftr engagemnt!
Girl:Now stop looking at girls,u r commited now!
Boy:Oho what do u mean,if i m on diet,
...that doesnt mean that i cant look at MENU . . :-D
-
teachr 2 student - NAADE ko english me kya kehte hain ?
student - P.H.D
Teachr- Kya mtlb ??
...
Student - Pajama Holding Device
Teacher shocks ,Student rocks!!!!
-
Aisi kaunsi chiz hai jo RAvAN akele me kar sakta hai par RAM nahi??
?
socho
?
...
?
nh aya
?
?
Ans:GROUP DISCUSSION.
-
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!"
Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "Al Gore to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly,
I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.
:P
hahahaa ROFL smarty pants haha
-
?2 humans ascended a certain geological protuberance 2 collect a hydride of oxygen quantity z nt specifd.1 membr descends dramaticaly suferng mechanical damage 2 d cranial part of hs anatomical structur.d 2nd membr flows d 1st in a similr series of rapid iregular disturbing movements.
In simple english:
Jack &jill wnt up... d hill 2 fetch d pail of water,jack fell down n broke hs crown n jill kam tumbling aftr...
-
Wats d diff btn Talent & Intelligence?
Getting up early in d mrng daily is
Talent
&
...not trying such nonsense thng is
Intelligence... ;-)
-
Rawan aur Ram ladai kr rhe the
Rawan: Chal Ram bye
Ram: Q darr gya kya?
....
.
.
.
.
Rawan:- Nai 5 baj gye, Mujhe POKEMON dekhna hai..
-
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Pamela, a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to
...say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother.
'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.' His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!See more
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the... people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Go od son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep."
-
Thappar Maarnay par Naraz Wife se Husband bola:
“Aadmi usi ko maarta hai jis se Pyaar krta hai.”
Wife ne Husband ko 2 thappar maaray aur Boli “Aap kya samajhtay hain main Aapse Pyaar nahi kerti.”
-
Salman- tumhara naam kya hai?
Girl - kyu batau ? main to tumhe jaanti bhi nahi.
Salman - mat batao mai kaunsa tumhe apni FERRARI mein bitha raha hu.
Girl- My name is Riya, B.ARch 2nd year, wo samne wali gali mein right hand pe 4th
number wala mera ghar hai 32/B, ghar mein ek chot bhai, mom aur papa
...hain, tuition time 6 to 8 hai.See more
-
In an exam, a student who was'nt prepared, left the page blank and at the bottom drew flowers and wrote :
" DEDICATED TO MY MEMORY, WHICH RECENTLY PASSED AWAY...!"
-
Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.
Riya asked: What are you doing?
Santa: Cant you see you fool i m Drying sweat
-
hehe nice ones master ! + rep!
-
Karna padta hai apne kharcho pe kabu....
Karna padta hai apne kharcho pe kabu....
Ek chutki sindur ki keemat...
Tum kya jano RAMESH BABU !!!
-
Position of a husband is like split A.C. , no matter how loud it is outside, but inside the room it is designed to remain silent.....:)
-
veeru says to jai: jai iss gabbar ka kya karna haijai: iske body mein sui chubha chuba ke maar dalo aur phir sui iske baju me rakh dopolice aake dekhegi ti samajh jayegi...........ki ye Sui-Side ka case hai
-
They Call Our Language the Mother Tongue because the Father Never Gets to Speak....:P
-
Laluji ne Raabri se I love u kaha or gir pade.....
Phir uthe I love u bola , aur fir gir pade....
Rabri - E ka hai.....
Lalu - dekhti nahi ka !
I'm falling in love.......
-
Girl To God : Oh God!Is homosexuality against your design of human nature ?
God : Yes my child !tats y I created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve
-
A girl was attempting suicide by hanging.
Samarth saw it through window. Guess what he said????
" SIRF LATAK NE SE HEIGHT NAHIN BAREGI, MUMMY KO BOLO COMPLAN PILANE !!!! "
-
Boys rqire 100% talent 2 get a job but girls rquire nly 4% & remaing
.
( 36 )
)24(
( 36 )
plz forward tis 2 boys
strugle bahut h bhai
-
milkman squeezed the breast of the cow to take milk.
cow:chichora sala.
ghar me maa behen nahi hai kya??!!!
-
If u give me 100 young BOYS I can change The Nation. - Swami Vivekanand
IF
u gave me 100 young GIRLS I can creat another nation - Swami Emraan Hashmi
-
^^ too funny harsh!
-
Once I asked Friend, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
Friend said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
I asked, "Can you explain?"
Friend said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, I asked Friend "Give me some examples"
Friend said," Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
I asked, "Then what is your role?"
Friend said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to Any of these."
-
Salmaan underware pehan kar Cycle chala raha tha,
To ab kya wo bhi utar de?
Har baat me joke chaiye...
...
Jaan Lelo bechare sallu ki..
-
ek LADKA CLss SE uth ke BAhar jaane laga
lecturer: what happend to this guy?
LADKE KA DOST: SIR USKO SLEEP WALKIN KI AADAT HAI
-
Three guys, standing on a desert island,find a magic lantern containing genie,who grants them each one wish.The first guy wishes he was off the island walks home.The second guy wishes the same.The third guy says "I'm lonely.I wish my freinds were back here."
-
World population rankings as per current census:
1. China.
2. India.
...3. FACEBOOK.
4. U.S.
It may sound weird but its true :P
-
Ansoo tere nikale to aankhein meri ho,
Dil tera dhadke to dhadkan meri ho,
Khuda kare ki apni dosti itni gehari ho,
Baap tu bane to Mehanat meri ho!!!!!!
-
Kya tumhare pass hai?
Sulagta Jism,
Nashili Ankhe,
...
Kapkapati Awaj,
Thartharata Badan,
Kapkapate Hoth, Agar hai?
To tumhe SWINE FLU hai!!
-
if malika sherawat plays role of dropadi??
duryodhan say "dussashan phena do saree bhabhi ji ko aakhir hum bhi to dekha saree main kaise lagti hai yeh naaree
-
arz kiyaa hai....
karna padta hai apne kharchon pe kaaboo....
.
.
karna padta hai apne kharchon pe kaaboo....
.
.
ek chutki sindur ki keemat tum kya jaano ramesh babu..!! :P
wah wah!!!
-
What do u call a Negro lady who is not able to hear....??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
BLACK BEHRY !!! :P
-
BOY: Tum Shadi K Bad Apne Liye Alag Ghar To Nahi Mangogi?
GIRL:Nahi me aisi Ladki nahi hu.Tum Apni ma Ko Alag Ghar Dila Dena!
RISHTA WAHI, SOCH NAYEE STAR PLUS
-
60's ki mom - Beta apne cast ki ladki se hi shadi krna....
75's - Beta apne religon ki ladki se hi shaadi karna...
90's - Beta apne level ki ladki se hi shaadi karna.....
2010 - Beta kisi Ladki se hi shadi krna......:P
-
Woh chali vo chali dekho pyaar ki gali,
Wo chali vo chali dekho pyaar ki gali,
" DAYA pata karo Goli kaha se chali "...:-D
Wah wah....!!!
-
Do u know how Titanic sank...?
DUBUK
DUBUK
BUDUK
BUDUK
BUDUK
BUDUK..
GULUM..
Gulu gulu gulu
PUCHIK !
Gone !
-
Hey frnds-
The first man who discovered milk.
who ever he was Wat the hell was he trying 2 do with the cow:-)o
just think about it
-
ok..iss baar CID ko jhelo...
8 ghante so lo, karo chain se rest...
.
.
waah waah!!
.
.
8 ghante so lo, karo chain se rest...
.
.
ACP Pradyuman kehta hai..u r under arrest!!! :P
waah waah!!!
-
New dialogue of OM SHANTI OM " kitni shiddat se maine book uthane ki koshish ki hai ki har zarre ne mujhe sulane ki saajish ki hai ......... Kehte hai ki kisi chapter ko dil se samajhna chaho to saari kaynaat tumhe confuse karne me lag jaati hai aur aisa na ho to samajh lena chapter syllabus ke bahar hai mere dostt.............
-
Its KHICHDI's Now...
Wahh kya hai teree adaa..
Wahh kya hai teree adaa..
Babuji ne kaha" Praful, tu toh gadha hai gadha." ;-)
-
Rajesh ke naukar ka naam hai bhola
Wah wah
Rajesh ke naukar ka naam hai bhola
Thanda matlab coca cola..
-
Value Of a Dot( . )
A Girl Got 1st Class In B.ED Exams
& Her Excited BoyFrnd Sent SMS 2 the Girls Father~
Ur Daughter Is 1st Class In BED.
-
CBSE ne Boards k xams postpone kar diye hain.
Ab March ki jagah june me honge...
For more details, log on to:
=>www.june me bhi kaun sa teer maaar loge.com
-
Sir: bacho batao tumne " RAB NE BANA DI JODI " film se kya seekha ?
Gullu : sir yehi k agar mehnat ki jaye to shaadi shuda ladki bhi patayi ja sakti hai...
-
Salesman : behanji cockroch ka powder lengi ??
ME : nahi hum cockroach ko itna laad pyar nahi karte , aaj powder denge to sala kal deodorant mangega...
-
Chinese lady Indian lady se :
mere husband chalte chalte he heart attack se mar gaye !
Indian lady : bas bahen, made in China ki yehi problem hai.....
-
To be is to do - Socrates
To do is to be - Vivekananda
Do be do be do - Scooby doo
Zoobee do be - 3idiots
To do do to do do - Docomo
-
GIRL - Do U Love Me
Boy - 0f Course! Darling I Do !!
Girl - Will U Love Me After Marriage ?
Boy - This Depends 0n Your Husband ; If He ALLows ME !!! ;-) :-P :-).
-
Soowar ke bachhe !
Ullo ke patthe !
Kutte ke pille !
Gadhe ki aulaad !
Bhains ke bachhde !
Bakri ke memne !
Sab kitne chote-chote, pyare-pyare hote hain na ?
-
CID PJ :
Itni saalo se Daya ki koi Girlfriend nahin hai...
wah wah
Itni saalo se Daya ki koi Girlfriend nahin hai...
wah wah
ACP : Abhijeet... zara pata lagao kahi yeh Daya gay toh nahin hai...!!!!
-
apne hauslon se har khushi ko apni taraf mod do......
.
.
apne hauslon se har khushi ko apni taraf mod do......
.
.
daya, darwaza tod do..!!!
wah waaah!!!
-
Beer peene ke pehle kahte hai cheers...Beer peene ke pehle kahte hai cheers......rajesh khanna says,pushpa i hate tears..
-
A boy goes to a dance bar.His mom gets angry & asks him: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see? Boy:Yes, DAD.
::)
-
Brad Pitt and Vidya Balan get marriedAfter marriage, lots of students gather at their home
.
.
.
.
.......
Why???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because her name becomes Vidya Pitt (vidyapeet)
-
Getting married is very much like
Going to a restaurant with friends
You order what you want, but
...
When you see what the other has
You wish you had ordered that..
-
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?”
He was told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you fo...r the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on and checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more countries... He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell...
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, What do they do here?"
He was told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour..Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes and beats you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells---so why are so many people waiting to get in here?" asked the man.
Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Indian devil is a former Govt. servant, so he comes in and signs the register and then goes to the canteen!
-
"What time does the library
open?" the man on the phone
asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply.
"And what's the idea of
...calling me at home in the
middle of the night to ask a
question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man
asked in a disappointed
voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the
librarian said. "Why do you
want to get in before nine
A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get
in?" the man sighed sadly. "I
want to get out."
-
Laloo
and his wife Rabri were angry with each other and were not talking to
each other.
Laloo left a note on Rabri's bedside table, that said: "Dear
Wife! Awake me at 5 am tomorrow."
...Next morning,
Laloo awoke at 8 am and
saw a note on his bedside table: "Dear Husband It's 5 O' Clock, get up.
-
Santa:-Agar Teri Bivi Ko Bhootni Lipat Jaye, To Tu Kya Karega?
Banta:-Mujhe Kya Karna ! Ye Do Behno Ka Aapsi Mamla Hai
-
Nurse: Apke judwa bete hue hai
Santa: Ye to hona hi tha, program hi aie dekhti thi...
KBC2
INDIAN IDOL2
NACH BALIYE2
...DHOOM2
Nurse: Accha hua Roadies 7 nai dekha!!!!!
-
After teaching my little sister, her poem for her school concert she was quite ready. The next day,my cousins came over and wanted her to recite the poem for them. Before she recited, I suggested that she could bow after the poem.
I totally wasn't ready to face what came after the recitation, taking my suggestion my sister went 'BOW!!'
-
After teaching my little sister, her poem for her school concert she was quite ready. The next day,my cousins came over and wanted her to recite the poem for them. Before she recited, I suggested that she could bow after the poem.
I totally wasn't ready to face what came after the recitation, taking my suggestion my sister went 'BOW!!'
haha so very cutee :D
-
Question: What is "IT"?
Astronomers do IT all night.
Chemists do IT by bonding.
Newton did IT with force.
Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.
Maxwell did IT with magnetism.
Volta did IT with a jolt.
Watt did IT with power.
Joule did IT with energy.
Ohm did IT with resistance.
Pascal did IT under pressure.
Hooke did IT using springs.
Coulomb got all charged up about IT.
Hertz did IT frequently.
Boltzmann did IT in heat.
Ampere let IT flow.
For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.
Edison claims to have invented IT.
When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.
For Darwin, IT was natural.
Freud did IT in his sleep.
Mendel studied the consequences of IT.
When Wegener did IT, continents moved.
Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.
Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.
Bohr did IT in an excited state.
Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.
Schrödinger did IT in waves.
Bose did IT with partners.
Einstein did IT on a curved surface.
Oort did IT in a cloud.
Hubble did IT in the dark.
Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.
Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.
Theorists do IT on paper.
Wigner did IT in a group.
Richter and Ting did IT with charm.
Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.
Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.
Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.
Feynman did IT in fields.
Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.
And supersymmetric theorists do IT with sleptons.
Answer: IT = science, of course.
-
After failing in exam in " Logistic and Organisation " , Salman goes to his lecturer....
Salman : Sir, do you understand the subject urself?
Prof : Surely, i must. otherwise i wud not b a Professor!
Salman : I wud like 2 ask a question. If you give the answer correctly, I will accept my marks & go. If u dont knw the answer..., you give me an A grade..
Prof : ok... wats the question??
Salman : wat is legal, but not logical, logical but not legal and neither logical nor legal?
The professor cudnt give the answer and changes his exam mark into an A...
Prof : Now tell the answer...!
Salman : Sir you are 63 year old and married to a 25 year ld woman which is legal but not logical. your wife has a 19 year old lover which is logical but not legal. you have given your wife's lover an "A" although he should have failed, its neither legal nor logical...!!!!
Professor Shocked...!!!! :D
-
raat k pehloo mein, chand sitaare chhaye hain...
.
.
raat k pehloo mein, chand taare chhaye hain...
.
....
Madam Darwaza Kholiye Hum CID Se Aaye Hain..
waah waaaaaaah :P
-
CID SHAYARI...Again...;-)
Meri gardan me dard aur gale me kharash hai.....
Wah Wah....
...
Meri gardan me dard aur gale me kharash hai..
Oh my god Daya, yaha pe ek laash hai...! B-)
-
?6 Truths of Life....
1. U cant touch all ur teeth with ur tongue....
2. All idiots, aftr reading the 1st truth, will try it....
...
3. And discover dat d 1st truth is a lie.....
4.Ur smiling now cos ur an idiot....
5.U soon wil forward this 2 another idiot....
6.Ders stil a stupid smile on ur face.....
I apologise about this, but I needed company....:P
-
Aik admi apni biwi ko dafna kay ghar ja raha tha ki achanak....
bijli chamki,
badal garje,
...
jor se baarish shuru hui....
Toh dukhi aadmi bola : " Lagta hai pahunch gai..."
-
Glass tute to kya awaj aati hai ???
Crush ???
No...!
...
Crish...?
No...!
Thish...?
Arre Nahi yar......
Mummy ki awaj ati hai...
" Tod do jaanvaro sab tod do kuch mat chorna is ghar me !! "
-
What did the mother kangaroo say when she found her baby missin...???
.
.
.
.
....
.
.
.
" Aila ! Meri pocket kisne maari...??? "
-
What did the mother kangaroo say when she found her baby missin...???
.
.
.
.
....
.
.
.
" Aila ! Meri pocket kisne maari...??? "
-
Meri pocket kisne marii!!
Lol.
-
Meri pocket kisne marii!!
Lol.
lol
-
Kareena has small.!
Rakhi has big.!
Ranimukerji has 1 big & 1 small!
Aishwaryarai has two small!
What's that?
....
.
.
.
.
The letter 'R'
God bless Ur imagination!
-
What do U Call a Cow which is Highly Irratating....???
.
.
.
.
...Guess Guess....
.
.
.
Dnt Knw...Ohk...Here's the answer...
U Call It Pa-Cow !!!
-
Yashomati Maiya Se Bole Nandlala,
Wah Wah...
Yashomati Maiya Se Bole Nandlala,
...
" Maa, Tata Sky Laga Daala To Life Jhingalala " ;-)
-
Na jeene ki tamanna na marne ka Khauf.....
(felings to dekho)
Na jine ki tamanna na marne ka Khauf......
...
The no. u r dialing is curently switchd off !!
Wah wah. . .
-
Height of Frustration :
Mere sapno mein ayi ek sundar pari...
wah wah...
Mere sapno mein ayi ek sundar pari...
Aur boli " All the questions are Compulsary...!!! "
-
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins."
After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you... got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm,strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons."
All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!See more
-
ON & OFF dono friendz thein.
ON ne dekha k fan OFF hain
OFF ny nai dekha k fan ON hain
OFF ny ON se kha k fan ON hy
...ON ny OFf se kha nhe OFF hy
OFF ON Keh rha hy & ON OFF
ON fan ON krna chata hy or OFF OFF
ON ka dimag OFF ho rha hy
OFF ka ONq k jb ON hy tu OFF hoga OFF hy to ON
-
Lesson in Financial management !
A beggar found 100Rs’
He decided to have a gr8 dinner....
He went to a 5 str h0tel & enj0yed the dinner......
...When bill came he said I hv n0 m0ney’
Manager called p0lice and handed the begar over to him’
The begar gave 100 Rs to p0liceman and set free
This is FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT indeed !
-
U just might get an urge to Kill Me after reading this PJ....:P
Mein hu Jerry tum ho Tom...
Wah Wah...!!
...
Mein hu Jerry tum ho Tom....
www.google.com ! :P
-
Na back ki parwah,
Na subjects koi clear hai,
Phir bhi yaaro, Hum ENGINEER hai.
Na job ki tension,
Na future ka koi fear hai,
...Phir bhi yaaro, Hum ENGINEER hai.
Table par kitab ki jagah kingfisher ki beer hai,
Phir bhi yaaro, Hum ENGINEER hai.
C++ ya JAVA nahi,
Chatting apna CARRIER hai,
Phir bhi yaaro, Hum ENGINEER hai.
Yaha koi Einstein nahi,
Yaha sab Shakespeare hai,
Phir bhi yaaro, Hum ENGINEER hai.
Late night studies ki jagah,
Movies ka premiere hai,
Phir bhi yaaro, Hum ENGINEER hai...!!!!
-
" India badnaam huyi.....CWG tere liye....
Sadkein bhi jam hui, CWG tere liye...."
-
Prove (2/10) = 2Art student : "This is out of course".
commerce student : "This is wrong "...
.
.
science student :(2/10)= Two/Ten'T' is common: wo/en'w' is 23rd letter and 'o' is 15th
...Similarly,'e' is 5th and 'n' is 14th
Hence (wo/en)= (23+15)/(5+14)=(38/19)=2 !!! :P science students RocK! ansWers r reAdy foR anY typE of quEstiOnz! :P
-
Pehla Dost: Yaar Aaj To 1 Rs. Main 3 Amrood Mil Gaye !!!!!!!!!!
.
.
Dosra Dost: Wo Kaise?...
.
....
Pehla Dost: 1 Rs. Ka 1 Us ne Dia,1 Main Utha K Bhag Gaya,Aur 1 Us ne Muje Phenke Maara :P :D
-
BOY:Mujse shadi karo gi?
.
.
GIRL:KyaaaAaa?
.
....
BOY:achi film hai na...!
.
Girl:kuttay k bachay....!
.
.
Boy:WhaaaAaaat?
.
.
GIRL:"Kitne cute hote hain na!" :P :P
-
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
" What are you doing ? " she asked.
" Hunting flies, " He responded.
...
" Oh, killing any ? " She asked.
" Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, " How can you tell ? "
He responded, " Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
-
Good students are always like rockets...!!!
Its not that we aim the sky...!
But...
We never start before our tail is on fire...!!!!
-
In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it outto different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
In UK , in 30 minutes itcaught 50 thieves;
...
In Spain , in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves;
In Ghana ,in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves;
In India , in 15 minutes the machinewas stolen.
-
In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it outto different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
In UK , in 30 minutes itcaught 50 thieves;
...
In Spain , in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves;
In Ghana ,in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves;
In India , in 15 minutes the machinewas stolen.
*sigh* Such patriotism. ::)
-
DURING THE SPACE EXPLORATION RACE BETWEEN USA AND USSR
When NASA face the problem on writing on space. NASA spended millions of dollars to make a space pen that used pressurized ink cartridges and was claimed to write in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, over wet and greasy paper, at any angle, and in extreme temperature ranges.
But when the same problem was faced by USSR the used pencil!
Lakho rupay bach gaye
-
DURING THE SPACE EXPLORATION RACE BETWEEN USA AND USSR
When NASA face the problem on writing on space. NASA spended millions of dollars to make a space pen that used pressurized ink cartridges and was claimed to write in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, over wet and greasy paper, at any angle, and in extreme temperature ranges.
But when the same problem was faced by USSR the used pencil!
Lakho rupay bach gaye
lol is that taken from 3 Idiots? :D
-
lol is that taken from 3 Idiots? :D
No, its a fact of life ;)
-
No, its a fact of life ;)
Yaaaa
It is a true fact u can get mre info on
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Pen
-
BOY:Mujse shadi karo gi?
.
.
GIRL:KyaaaAaa?
.
....
BOY:achi film hai na...!
.
Girl:kuttay k bachay....!
.
.
Boy:WhaaaAaaat?
.
.
GIRL:"Kitne cute hote hain na!" :P :P
I don't UNDERSTAND these things maynnnnn ???
-
I don't UNDERSTAND these things maynnnnn ???
boys asks to girl will u marry me, but in hindi and then tells it as a movie in hindi named "Mujse shadi karoji"
"kutte ke pilay" , girls says to the boy and then changes mind and tells, they r so cute.
-
lol is that taken from 3 Idiots? :D
This pen:
-
One day a sardarji was sitting in his
office on the
thirteenth floor building when a man
came running in
to his office and shouted "Santa Singh
your daughter Preeto just died in an
accident!"
Sardarji was in
panic.
Not knowing what to do he jumped
from his office window.
While coming down when he was
near the tenth
floor he remembered he didn't have a
daughter named
Preeto.
When he was near the fifth floor he
remembered
he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground
he remembered he was not Santa
Singh.
-
A sardar was driving helicopter near kashmir.
after sumtime it crashed.
the people asked ,"wat happened?"
he replied: "it was too cold so i switched off the fan"
-
once a sardarji was travelling with a donkey when suddenly he came to know his donkey is missing. He shouted THANK GOD! when a villager passing by noticed this he asked why did he thank god for loosing his donkey. Sardarji replied IF I WERE RIDING ON IT I WILL ALSO GONE MISSING BY NOW!
-
A two seater plane crashed in a
graveyard ........
Local sardars have so far found 500
bodies
...and are still digging for more..
ROFFLLLL!!
-
car owner: well i will offer u a starting salary of 2000 Rupees
Sardarji: if that is the starting salary how much is the driving salary?
................................................
JUDGE :DON'T YOU HAVE SHAME? ITS
YOUR 3RD TIME IN COURT.
SARDAR : DON'T YOU ,YOU COME HERE
DAILY .
........................................................
BOSS: CAN YOU TELL ME YOUR DOGS
NAMES?
SARDARJI: SANTA SINGH,RAJ SINGH,
BALWANT SINGH AND
DEERAJ SINGH.
BOSS: SO WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
SARDARJI: TOMMY
..............................................................
A sardar went to school and his teacher asked him what is the formalur of water...he said HIJKLMNO
Teacher: Wrong!
Sardar: But you told me it's H2O!
..............................................................
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What if the bomb explodes while we're fixing it!?
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more!
..................................................................
The teacher asks the Sardar: You have 10 chocolates, you give 5 to Anjali, 3 to Manju, and 2 to Smitha. What do you have now?
Sardar: Three new girlfriends!
.............................................................
HAPPY LAUGHING :D
-
Good Jokes. +rep. ;)
-
Good Jokes. +rep. ;)
thanks ;D
-
Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India!!
..................................................
Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol
...................................................
Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
....................................................
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one. ROFL!
.................................................
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
..................................................
Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio!
................................................
NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
................................................
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.
.....................END..................... :D :D :D :D :D
-
LOL +rep Zarruu :D
-
Loooooooooooooool Zaroo :D
Thanks for the laughs ;D
-
LOOOLL
tHankS Nidzy & Dibsy :D
-
wow! great jokes!!
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
hahaha.....
-
A student grabbed a coin,
Flipped it in the air & said,
"Head, I go to sleep."
Tail, I watch a movie.
If it stands on the edge I'll study.
-
Exam me copy kar ke pass
hue jaise-taise
wah wah
exam me copy kar ke pass hue jaise-taise..
ACP: Daya pata lagao akhir munni badnaam hui to hui kaise...?????lol :D
-
a new addition 2 the periodic table of chemical elements
,element name:GIRLS
symbol:GL
atomic weight : DON'T EVEN DARE TO ASK!!
physical properties : BOILS AT ANYTHING,FREEZE AT ANYTIME,MELTS IF HANDLED WITH LOVE &CARE,VERY BITTER IF MISHANDLED!!
chemical properties:VERY REACTIVE,HIGHLY UNSTABLE , POSSESSES STRONG AFFINITY 4 GOLD , PLATINUM & OTHER PRECIOUS ITEMS,MONEY REDUCING AGENTS,MAINLY USED TO DESTROY MEN..!!!!
120th elemnt!
-
Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye,
I dont worry I dont cry,
I'm just happy cows cant fly....:-P
-
No cheating....
Do as i say...
1 num socho...
Usme 3 add karo..
Ab 2 se multiply karo..
Usme 7 minus karo..
fir 10 add karo..
Ab 2 se divide karo..
jo no aaya hai usse kagaz pe likho.....
.
.
.
.
Ab....
Uss paper ka aeroplane bana ke uda do ...:-P
-
was that a clean joke?
-
was that a clean joke?
i find all jokes here clean, which are u talkin about.. ??
-
Cruel people.
Who are these sardars?
-
They are mostly inhabitants of Punjab (India), which are scattered, today around the world! :D
-
They are mostly inhabitants of Punjab (India), which are scattered, today around the world! :D
yes & with whose company ull never be bored, the blessed people i say ;D :D ;) ROFL
-
You know how the west has dumb blonde jokes ? People in India have dubm sardar jokes :P
-
yes & with whose company ull never be bored, the blessed people i say ;D :D ;) ROFL
They are blessed because of them being included in ROFL-ed jokes!
We bless them as jokers but they are serious people and having dumb brains, the latter is wrong. :D
-
What is Marketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich...? That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback
-
COOL DEFINITIONS Part 4
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken off when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Optimist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in the word OPPORTUNITY..
-
COOL DEFINITIONS Part 3
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Marriage: It is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree and woman gains her master's.
Worry: Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
-
COOL DEFINITIONS Part 2
College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
-
COOL DEFINITIONS Part 1
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumor: News that travels at the speed of sound.
Dictionary: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
-
LMAO master
+repped u oredy :D
-
You know how the west has dumb blonde jokes ? People in India have dubm sardar jokes :P
Haha interesting explanationn! :D
-
Dr.Samarth to patient's frnd:Agar 1 Ghanta pehle le aate to hum isse bacha lete
Frnd:Abe Aadhe Ghanta pehle to accident hua hai,
1 Ghanta pehle kaise lata
-
Teacher-Tum Ro Q Rahe Ho?
Ladka-Meri Mummy Mere Papa Ko Kutta Kehti Hai
Aur Papa Unko Billi,
Mujhe Samajh Nahi Aata Ki Main Pilla Hu
Ya Billa
-
Dr.Samarth to patient's frnd:Agar 1 Ghanta pehle le aate to hum isse bacha lete
Frnd:Abe Aadhe Ghanta pehle to accident hua hai,
1 Ghanta pehle kaise lata
True!! ...:P :P
-
I was caught talking in class and My Tchr asked me 2 write
"I WONT TALK IN CLASS"
50 times on d board,
i wrote..
void main()
{
int i;
for(i=1;i<=50;i++)
printf("I WONT TALK IN CLASS\n");
}
Born brilliant but FORCED to Study
-
LOL :D
Nice jokes master_key! ;)
-
Choozey ne sherni se kaha: I love you!
Sherni ne kahan: Chal bey choozey, thu ne kabhi apni shakal, body aur height dekhi hai?
Choozey ne kahan: Sab choro, darling, sirf confidence dekho!
English translation
A chick told the Lioness, "I love you!"
Lioness said, "Excuse me? Have you ever seen your face, body and height?"
Chick said, "Forget everything, darling, just look at my confidence!!"[/i]
-
hahaha :D
-
?1.Bhagwan teri umar lambi karey..
2.Bhagwan tujhe naukri de...
3.Bhagwan tujhe khush rakhe...
4.Bhagwan tujhe barkat de...
.
.
.
.
.
Yaad ho gaya...???
Toh chal “ KATORI ” utha aur shuru ho ja....
-
Aapki chaal mor jaisi,
Aawaz koyal jaisi,
Dimag lomdi jaisa,
Gussa sher jaisa,
Aur
Aankhein hiran jaisi,
Kitna acha hota agar 2-3 qualities insano jaisi bhi hoti
-
ok, one more..
Pati ne patni se kaha: Dekhna tumhe narak main bhi jaga nahi milegi.
English - Husband told his wife: Just wait and watch, You wnt've place even in hell!
Actually, i din't get the logic of this joke. Does he means that only heaven is meant for her or is he scared of her like most men are of their wives.
-
ARRANGE MARRIAGE....
5 lac shaadi par...
1 Lac Sangeet par...
Aur 50 thousand Shadi ki Rasmon pe...
Yani Shaadi ke 3 days ka kharcha...Rs. 6,50,000..
Yani 1 day ka kharcha...Rs. 216666.6667
1 Hour Ka kharcha...Rs. 9027.77778
Aur 1 min ka....Rs.150.462963
Uff Tauba Tauba !!!
LOVE MARRIAGE...:*
Sirf....
120 rupay ka stamp Paper...;)
.
.
.
.
Paisa aapka...
Pasand Aapki...
Jago Grahak Jago....:P
-
Poem Of College Boys....
India Is My Nation....
Girls Are My Destination....
Dating Is My Occupation...
Setting Is My Profession...
In Between...
What The Hell Is This Eduacation...!!!!
-
Nice 8)
-
Old people used 2 annoy me at weddings by Pinching my cheeks n saying...
" U r next "
They stopped dat sayng when i started doing d same at funerals !!! :P
-
Whts attitude....??
3 ants saw an elephant coming....
1st Ant : We will break his leg.....
2nd Ant : We will kill him.....
3rd Ant : Leave him, he is alone and we are 3...!
Now Thats' Attitude..
-
That, truly is attitude!!
LOL!
good ones! ;D
-
That, truly is attitude!!
LOL!
good ones! ;D
Thanks, u can read older ones if u wana know more.
-
Master key u rock in jokes.... ;D ;D ;D
-
I'll do dat! ;D
Here's another one.
Conversation between Bill Gates and Laloo of Bihari
Gates: Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Laloo: Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates: At home have u installed Windows?
Laloo: I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house.
Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo: OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates(Sweating): Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates: By the year 2010 India should export computer chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates(Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Laloo: RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave.
Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting. Please wait............."
-
Nice one lemme have one::::
There were 5 people on plane:George Bush, Obama , Bill gates son , Osama biladen and pilot.......
The plane was abt to crash and there were 4 parachouts...The pilot took one and jump off..
George bush said "I have to save the country Us" and jump with another.
Then Obama said" I'm the only one who could defeat bush"and he also took one and jump off
now only one left Osama said to bill gates son that i'm old u got a life to live.....
Then the son said u take this one and i'll come with the other one....
Osama said how is that possible...???
Son told that george bush took his backpack and jump off. ;)
-
lol! :D
-
There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritis. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"
:D :D
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course! ;D
-
I didn't get first one ???....explain :-[
-
Height of respect :-
Hum sirf ye soch kar paper khali de aate hai ki kahin teacher ye na kahen ki..
" Dekho aaj ke bachche ko...bado ko jawab dete hai...."
Sanskar u know....;)
-
Height of respect :-
Hum sirf ye soch kar paper khali de aate hai ki kahin teacher ye na kahen ki..
" Dekho aaj ke bachche ko...bado ko jawab dete hai...."
Sanskar u know....;)
Wah! kiya sanskar hai! :D
Height of Hope!
History ka Exam 2min baad hain. Hall main betkar apne haat main pen pakar kar hope karna, "Dude, no worries. Exam postpone ho jayega!" ;D
Height of emotions
Its a heck of a busy morning. You gotta go somewhere. You can't find your car keys. And all of a sudden, your mother-in law falls from the top floor, through a window and crashes on top of your car.
You feel every possible emotion. I guess. ??? :D
-
I didn't get first one ???....explain :-[
"There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritis. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"
Lol. The boy aint depressed abt. da fact that she's suffering from arthritis. They think a girl being obsessed about how to improve guys or make them righteous is a more terrible disease!
C'mon, we guls aint so bad, are we? ;)
-
Style of break up :
Macho bought a gift for his Girlfriend.....
GF : What the hell wud I do with this rocket ?
Macho : U wanted stars na ?
Now sit on it and GET LOST....:P
-
Bihari edition of " Johny Johny, Yes Papa.. "
Ramu Ramu..Ka Bapu..?
Panwa khaiyo...? Na Bapu...
Jhut bolwa..? Na Bapu...
Muh kholiyo...? Khwakhh thoooo...
-
MY
brave chilhood history....
i kicked LOIN face...
i pulled TIGERS tail..
i
broke CHEETAHS leg..
.i threw ELEPHANTthen...........
SHOP OWNER THREW me
OUt...
-
LOL!! :D :D
New version of 3 idiots!
Jab question ppr. ho out of control,
Answer sheet ko karke fold...
Answer sheet ko karke fold..
Aeroplane banakar bol..
III WILLLL FAILLLL
Student kiya jaane uski result ka kiya hoga?
Marks milegi ya zero par tie hoga
koi na jaane apne marks ka kiya hoga
Toh gf guma, paisa ura
paisa ura ke bolll
Daddy
All Izzz Welll!!!
-
What is the difference between America And the flash Memory
---> the B !!
. USB and USA
I know Lame -__- A dude in my class said it .
-
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
-
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
-
A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".
The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".
The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
And the princess said, "Pardon?"
-
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."
Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
-
A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".
The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".
The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
And the princess said, "Pardon?"
Aww man thats sad =\
-
Aww man thats sad =\
Actually, I didn't understand the joke! :D
-
Guess, she din't understand what the prince asked her or prolly, she wanted it repeated and he cldnt.. and now he wld.have to wait 4 5 more years to propose againnn... :D
-
Aww man thats sad =\
True True :'( :'( :'(
His heart might have cried for waitng 5 year again :'( :'(
-
~¤Fantastic Definitions¤~
School: A Place Where Papa Pays & Son Plays ;-)
Dictionary: A Place Where Success Comes Before Work :-)
Doctor: A Person Who Kills your Ills By Pills,And Kills U By Bills. ;-)
-
Nursery Rhyme...wid a few changes...
Twinkle Twinkle little star...
Tera boyfriend gaya bazaar....
Uss ko mil gaya doosra pyar....
Ab tu baithkar makhiyan maaar....
-
Guess, she din't understand what the prince asked her or prolly, she wanted it repeated and he cldnt.. and now he wld.have to wait 4 5 more years to propose againnn... :D
Oh Yes!! :D
-
Aww man thats sad =\
Our lovey dovey prince could have simply written his request on a piece of paper and explained the whole curse thingy.
Fairy tales, I tell you.... ufff ::)
-
Our lovey dovey prince could have simply written his request on a piece of paper and explained the whole curse thingy.
Fairy tales, I tell you.... ufff ::)
Nice idea..... :D :D
-
A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.
How? The other beggar asked.
First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.
I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-,
And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.
I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.
A wonderful example of financial management indeed
-
A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.
How? The other beggar asked.
First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.
I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-,
And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.
I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.
A wonderful example of financial management indeed
Waah Waah TAJ! :D
Nice idea..... :D :D
Everyone is not like our unique lion!
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Teacher "who is the greatest man lived on face of earth" and if any one replies this correctly...$20 is the rewards..
The US Kid says..Obama...wrong ...Brit says St. Peters...wrong..
Banta says.."Jesus Christ"....teacher hails Banta and gives him $20,
The brit kid asks Banta...you are a sikh...why dint you say "waheguru"...
Banta says..."woh to mujhe dil main maloom tha...but business is business"...:)...ok
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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Welcome to The intensely crazy quiz!
MAN: If the sun rises from the east and the moon from the west, then where do stars rise 4om?
Lady: um, Hollywood?
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Q.What
would an angrez[american/british] say to his indian naukar [servant]
who can only understand hindi if he wants him 2 open the door!!
A."There Was A Cold Day " - (say it fast)!
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DArwaza kholde.... ;)
good one mk
micheal kackson
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cool 1 - mk :D
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So amelia no more jokes.... :( :(
mk where r u??
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nw u r offline. :(
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Professor:Chemical symbol of Barium?
Student: BA
Professor:For sodium? Student: NA
Professor:What will we get if 1 atom of BA
& 2 atoms of NA combined?
Student: BANANA :P
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KID'S DAD JOIND FACEBOOK.....KID'S STATUS UPDATE.........WTF
DAD ASKED WAT IS WTF ??
KID SAID ....WELCOME TO Facebook
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Lolzzz. :D
Bade hokar kiya banoge?
Teacher: Bade ho kar tum kya karoge?
Student: Ji shaadi.
Teacher: Mera matalab, kya banoge?
Student: Ji dulha.
Teacher: Are, mera matlab hai, kya hasil karoge?
Student: Ji DULHAN.
(Some1 translate this in english, m in hurry :P)
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Hahaha.....
When u grow what u doing???
Teacher.. When u grow what u will do??
student.. Yes Marriage
Teacher.... I mean, what will u become..
student.. Groom
Teacher... Ohh What i mean is, what will u gain.
student.. Bride...
(koi is ko urdu mai tarjuma ka do mai galdi mai hoon :P)
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Lolzzz. :D
Hahaha.....
You missed the :D
LOL
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Evy1 noez d APPLE STORY..bt hw did Newton invent 2nd law??
1 day he kicked a goat wid force F, dt goat cried 'mA'...
so,
"F=mA"..
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haha.
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These are older ones, but may b new 4 sum1.
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? "
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
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HAHAHAHA!!! :D :D, nycz..
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After Death santa goes 2 heaven,
God:Bol kya chaiye?
Santa:Muje sonni kuddi dila do
God: Dila dunga,
Agr tu Muslim hai to KATRINA KAIF,
Agar Baniya hai to YANA GUPTA,
Aur Agar Punjabi hai to KAREENA KAPOOR
Bol tera naam kya hai.??"
Santa:"Mohammad Santa Singh Agrawal"
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Ek Sardar k ghar Mehmaan aaey hue the
Sardar: Thanda peoge ya Garam?
Mehman: Thanda.
Sardar: Rooh Afza ya Pepsi?
Mehmaan: Pepsi
Sardar: Bottle me ya glass me.
Mehman: glass me
Sardar: simple glass me ya design wale.
Mehman: design wale.
Sardar: line wale ya flower wale.
Mehman: flower wale.
Sardar: chameli ke flower wale ya rose k flower wale.
Mehman: rose ke.
Sardar: sorry yaar, aisa glass to hamare paas nahi hai!
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After Death santa goes 2 heaven,
God:Bol kya chaiye?
Santa:Muje sonni kuddi dila do
God: Dila dunga,
Agr tu Muslim hai to KATRINA KAIF,
Agar Baniya hai to YANA GUPTA,
Aur Agar Punjabi hai to KAREENA KAPOOR
Bol tera naam kya hai.??"
Santa:"Mohammad Santa Singh Agrawal"
Great.
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Techr 2 Santa: Ur son is a fool. C his report.
Eng-6
Math-7
Sci-4
Sst-8
TOTAL-25
Santa:Total me to kamaal hi kar diya. Is subjct ki to tution b ni rkhi thi..!
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Santa: Ye kaisa khana banaya hai tumne "bilkul gobar jaisa"?
Jeeto: Hey bhagwan is aadmi ne to har cheez Taste kar rakhi hai!
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Santa aur Jeeto ghumne gaye, raste me ek gadha ghaas khata mila,
Jeeto boli- O G Tumhara rishtadaar ghaas kha raha hain, Namaste karo.
Santa- Namaste sasur ji..
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After Death santa goes 2 heaven,
God:Bol kya chaiye?
Santa:Muje sonni kuddi dila do
God: Dila dunga,
Agr tu Muslim hai to KATRINA KAIF,
Agar Baniya hai to YANA GUPTA,
Aur Agar Punjabi hai to KAREENA KAPOOR
Bol tera naam kya hai.??"
Santa:"Mohammad Santa Singh Agrawal"
Waow! ab use thino larkiya milengi.. hahaha..
Simply Hilarious.. all of them!! :D :D
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toh phir
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” ;)
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Wow, that was nice :)
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Master_Key, Amelia, SauD73 & Ancestor all your jokes. ;D ;D
Thank you guys!! ;D ;D
Awesome work! 8)
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AsLi AttiTude : ''Your intelligence is my common sense'' ;) :P xD :)
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Girl: Nice Mobile.Where Did U Buy It From?
Boy: I Won This In A Running Race ........
.
.
.Girl: How Many People Participated?
Boy: MOBILE OWNER, POLICE And ME :P xD
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A Brilliant Student in Exam-Prbm
:Prove dat LHS=RHS,
(2x+9y)*10x/3y+6x=9x+6......
.
.
.
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. Student:Multiply with ”Zero” on both sides.
LHS=RHS!
Hence Proved. ;) :P
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Teacher asked a student: lecture kesa hona chahiye?
.
.
..
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CHICHORA STUDENT: MINI SKIRT jesa!:P
...Zaruri topic cover bhi ho jaye or sub ka interest bhi bana rahe !! :P ;)
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Mk you are rocking... :D
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Ek Computer Field ki Larki Konsi Gaali Degi?
Saley Infinite Loop,
Dharti pe Undefined Symbol,
Pedaishi Error,...
Virus k Bache,
Bevakoofi ki Hardcopy,
Volatile Aadmi,
Bheja blank CD aur
khana Gigabytes?
Itna marungi ki Dharti se Delete Hokar,
Seedhe jhannam me Display ho Jayega!_
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A short man was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night.
He got irritated...
drank poison & said,
Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
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A Great Love Story...!
Hero lovs heroin,
Bt heroin lovs vilan,
Bt vilan lovs hero's sister,
Bt hero sister lovs heroin's brother,
Bt heroin brother lovs vilan's sister,
Bt vilan sister lovs hero's brother,
Finaly 2 persons committed sucide.
Who r dey...!?
?
?
?
?
?
?
"Producer & Director":
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Q: What does a teary-eyed, joyful Santa say about chemistry?
A: HOH, HOH, HOH!
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In 2020. Life style.
Daughter:I got married yesterday. But I forget 2 inform u. Sorry dad.
Dad: Its ok darling, but don't forget 2 invite me d next time.
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Teacher to Santa-Tum me kuch kamiya hai..
Next day Santa Coat Pant pehen k aya..
Teacher-What's this...??
Santa- RAYMONDS The Complete Man..!.!
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Sardarji: Ye Tv Kitne Ka Hai?
Salesman: Ham Sardaro Ko Koi Chiz Nahi Bechte.
Sardar After 1 week with clean Shaved face: Ye Tv Kitne Ka Hai...
Salesmn: Hm Srdaron ko Koi Chiz Nahi Bechte..
Sardar After 1 Month Full Angrez banke WHAT'S D COST OF DAT TV...?
Salsman: Hm Sardaron ko Koi Chiz Nahi Bechte
Sardar Gusse Me: Tujhe har baar Kaise Pata Chal Jata Hai K main Sardar Hoon...?
Salesman- Kyonki Ye Tv Nahi "MICROWAVE OVEN" hai....
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Tumko bewaqoof banaya :
Pathan ko dost ne khanay pe bulaya.
Pathan jab dost ke ghar aaya toh ghar pe tala laga tha,
Aur likha tha maine bewaqoof banaya tumko.
Pathan ne Hoshiyari dikhai or niche likh diya,
“Main toh aaya hi nahi tha”
Chuha marne ki dawa :
Ek samay do bahut milne wale dost rahte thay. Lekin ek din ek dost ka maut ho gaya aur police investigate karne ke liye aaya aur uske dost ko sawal poochne laga…
Police: “Tumhara dost kaise mara?”
Sardar: “Pata nahi sahab, woh bola mere pet mein chuhe kud rahe hai toh maine usko chuha marne ki dawa khila di.”
Samne tha Bus Stop :
A policeman caught a Pathan driver stopping the bus at the road and began asking questions:
Policeman: “Tumne bich road pe bus Kyun rok di?”
Pathan: Hum seher mein naya aaya hai magar Kanoon nahi torta! Woh samne dekho likha hai “Bus Stop” Toh humne rok diya :p
Do aankhe battis daante :
Saas: Khuda ne tumhe do aankhe di hai, Chawal se patthar nahi nikal sakti kya?
Bahu: Khuda ne tumhe battis daant diye hai do char 2-4 patthar nahi chabba sakti kya!!!
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A short man was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night.
He got irritated...
drank poison & said,
Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
hahahahhahah... good job mk and ancestor....
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Overheard at a retail store:
Dubai or not Dubai. ;D
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Bedside Manners
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
Implements of Math Destruction
At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
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Funny* Actual Meanings...
- Take care bye ! : Shut up and get Lost !
- Hmm : So why r u tellin me al this..??
- Hey ! Wassup ? : I'm bored. Talk to me plz !
- Cool : I've heard enough of u, loser !
- Okay : Whatever ! Don't eat my brain now.
- hahaha : Trust me. I have absolutely nothing else to say ! :P
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jindagi ho to bipin jaisee
sab rag ke tara niche or khud gubare ki thara uppar
;D :D
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jindagi ho to bipin jaisee
sab rag ke tara niche or khud gubare ki thara uppar
;D :D
hey how do u knoe this and its
"jindagi ho to bipin jaisee
sab rubber ke tara niche or khud gubare ki thara uppar"
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My ancestors told me!
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My ancestors told me!
haha. tmk let me get to u.
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SIT,.........STUDY,
AND TURN OFF THE....PC...........
.
.
.
.The above stunts have been performed by trained proffesionals
under
controlled enviornments.:P :P
Please dont copy and try this
at home ! :D ;)
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SIT,.........STUDY,
AND TURN OFF THE....PC...........
.
.
.
.The above stunts have been performed by trained proffesionals :P :P :P
under
controlled enviornments.:P :P
Please dont copy and try this
at home ! :D ;)
waa beta kase tu professional bun gaya.
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ok DON'T TRY AT HOME
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The Monkey's Grandfather
It's an old story that we read in Class 3 but with a new ending.
A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.
The hat seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to his mind*
He took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Surinder, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It
was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree.
He remembered his grandfather' s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed.
He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather' s idea, Sukhwinder threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and
Guess!!! Said what???
***************
**************
*************
************
***********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
"You think only you have a grand father !!!???"
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Ek Computer Field ki Larki Konsi Gaali Degi?
Saley Infinite Loop,
Dharti pe Undefined Symbol,
Pedaishi Error,...
Virus k Bache,
Bevakoofi ki Hardcopy,
Volatile Aadmi,
Bheja blank CD aur
khana Gigabytes?
Itna marungi ki Dharti se Delete Hokar,
Seedhe jhannam me Display ho Jayega!_
I always LOVE ALL YOUR JOKES. :D :D :D
Thanks Master_Key, Ancestor, Amelia, White Eagle and Ash. You make my day funny. :D
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I always LOVE ALL YOUR JOKES. :D :D :D
Thanks Master_Key, Ancestor, Amelia, White Eagle and Ash. You make my day funny. :D
You are welcome, Alpha. ;)
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There was these 3 guys. They were named Shutup, Manners and Poop. Manners was picking up Poop from school. Shutup got pulled over by a cop. The cop says "Whats your name sir?" "Shutup." "Whats your name?" "Shutup." "Whats your name?" "Shutup." "Wheres your manners boy?" "Over there picking up poop."
(Many of you might know this one, but here you go! ;))A warm letter from a mother to his son To my dear son
Casey, I’m writing to you a few words, if you didn’t get the letter let me know, so I can send you another one, I’m writing very slowly because I know you can’t read so fast. Recently daddy read a statistic that most car accidents occurs close to home, so we quickly left our home and moved to a new apartment, the new apartment is very nice, it has a new wash machine, but I don’t really know how it operates, I put the laundry in the machine, then I pulled the rope hanging from the ceiling to turn it on, and the whole laundry room just disappeared I’m still looking for the users manual. The weather here is very pleasant, last week it only rained twice, both times for 3 days in a row. I’m sending you the sweatshirt you asked, I was told at the post office that it’s very expensive to ship because of the heavy weight of the buttons, so I cut off the buttons and placed in the pocket. Daddy found a nice new job, he has 250 people under him, he mows the lawn at a local cemetery. Your sister Denise had a new baby, I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you became an uncle or an aunt, but I know that if it’s a girl they plan to name her after grandma, though I found it strange to call a small baby “grandma” Your brother Bob had a situation, he mistakenly locked his car door with the keys inside, so he had to go home by foot to bring a spare set of keys to rescue us from the locked car. From your mom who misses you dearly.
P.S. I had in mind to also send you some money, but the envelope is already stuck down.
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Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
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A girl died and her soul was taken to Heaven. God was Shocked to see her heart still beatin....
Girl replied : " I might be dead but my Lover still Lives in my Heart. "
And Thus the Girl was sent to Hell for Over-Acting ! :P
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Life me chahe kitne b dukh mile gam mile apne ansu beh jane dena unhe rokna mat bcoz
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ruke hue paani me hi Dengue wale macchar ande dete hain.
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?1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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next generation will say- Twinkle twinkle little cigar, i just went to ROYAL BAR whiskey rates are up so high so drink bear wid chicken fry.
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Hey stUdy this, its gona cum in d exam for sure:
Name
Roll No
.Date
Subject
Ab thanx bol kar formality mat dikhao....
Anythin 4 u guys!
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Before u judge a person,
walk a mile inhis shoes.
After that,......
After that who cares?
He is a mile away &
the shoes are urs!
RUN away!!:-D:)
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ooh long time since i posted here
anyways heres a joke i love
once a rich man and a poor man are having a conversation
rich man-i have a successful son a house, cars, money,business. what do u have?
poor man-i only have a daughter who is going to marry your son!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
not that funny?i know ;D ;D
but its funny enough for me
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another one
this one was made by my best friend
so it belongs to her i make no claim to own it
once the only supporter of a family is having an operation
in which his chances of survival are very less
his family is all worried and waiting in the waiting room(where else would they wait ::))
anyways so the doctor comes out of the operation theater
the whole family rushes towards him
doctor-i have good news and bad news which one do u want to hear first?
family-good news
doctor-your son is alive and well he will recover in a few days
family-*breathes a sigh of relief* so whats the bad news?
doctor-i was only joking your son is dead ;D ;D ;D
hahahah insensitive i know but damn funny :D :D
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lol funny for the first 5 seconds ;D
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lol funny for the first 5 seconds ;D
should i take that as a compliment or an insult? ::) ::) ::)
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That wasn't funny actually. Here's a better one.
A guy goes to the doctor for a third opinion, as no-one seems to know what the matter is with him. the doctor does tests on him and calls him back the next day.
"Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?"
"Uhm, the good news I guess," answers the patient.
"We're going to name it after you"
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That wasn't funny actually. Here's a better one.
A guy goes to the doctor for a third opinion, as no-one seems to know what the matter is with him. the doctor does tests on him and calls him back the next day.
"Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?"
"Uhm, the good news I guess," answers the patient.
"We're going to name it after you"
Write those Jokes, which are understandable to others. :D
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neither i got it......
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should i take that as a compliment or an insult? ::) ::) ::)
neither ;)
i jsut said what happened to me :P felt sad after the first 5 secs ::)
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Write those Jokes, which are understandable to others. :D
Well Mr.Ancestor
its pretty understandable ... ::)
LOL!
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That wasn't funny actually. Here's a better one.
A guy goes to the doctor for a third opinion, as no-one seems to know what the matter is with him. the doctor does tests on him and calls him back the next day.
"Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?"
"Uhm, the good news I guess," answers the patient.
"We're going to name it after you"
On the contrary, it's a very good one. :D
"We're going to name it after you" > Unknown, just-discovered disease. ::)
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heheh.... i thought he got a baby.... :-[ :-[
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heheh.... i thought he got a baby.... :-[ :-[
:D :D :D
Kya yaar. :P
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kya yaar...... ???
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In Memry Of All Thoz Who Luv Their Teachrz!
A Guy Calls His Teachr Bt Gets The Teachr's Wife Instead
Speakng Sadly She Said He Died Last Week
The Nxt Day Boy Cals Again N Asks 4 Teachr
His Wife Replies "I Told U He Died Last Week"
Nxt Day Again The Boy Calls N Asks 4 The Teachr By Ths Tymewife Gets Upset
N Shouts "I'V ALREDY TOLD U THAT MY HUSBND UR TEACHR DIED LAST WEEK!
Y DO U KEEP CALLING? Boy Replies "I LOVE TO HEAR IT AGAIN AND AGAIN" ;-)
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Limit Of Love.
1 Din Samandar Ne Naddi Se Pocha,
Kab Tak Is Tarah Mujhe Pyar Karti Rahogi
Naddi Ne Hans Kar Kaha
Jab Tak Tum Me Mithass Na Aajaye... ? ? ? ? ? ?
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Professor to Macho : Wht is " Attention deficit Hyperactive disorder ? "
Macho : Jimba Lomba Bomba !
Professor : Yeh Kya tha...?
Macho : Pehle tu bata woh kya tha...?? :P
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Advice to youth.....
~ Never luv a gal /boy..
~ Nvr lie 2 parents..
~ Nvr b rude 2 any1
~ Alwys say sry to enemies..
~ Always thank ur frnd...
~ Nevr bunk skul/colg
~ Nevr roam til midnight..
~ Alwys study well..
~ Listen calmly to wht lectures say..
~ Commit Suicide immediately if u follow the above 9...:P
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A Sardar's answers in his medical entrance exam
Sardar was giving his medical entrance exam.
He gave definitions as follows:
Antibody:
Against everybody
Artery:
Study of fine art paintings
Cardiology:
Advanced study of playing cards
CT scan:
Scanning 4 lost whistle..
Coma:
Punctuation mark
Bacteria:
Back door to a cafeteria…
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nice bacteria was funny
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Plz dnt cry aftr readin it....
Zindagi Ne kiye hain Bahut Sitam...
Teri Kasam
Shayari Khatm..
Dekho Dus Ka dum...
Payal Baje Cham Cham..
Mobile Mein Balance khtm..
Raat ko Dikhta hai Kam..
PJ Kyun nahi ho raha Katahm..
Do You belive in Pichala Janam..
Mere Dil Mein Hein Bahut Sare Gum...
Haddi Majbut Karta Hai Calcuium...
Sshakespear ka Pehla Naam tha William...
Daant kharab Karta Hai Chewing Gum..
Exams mein Marks aate hai kum...
hum likhte hai maximum...
Expln d follwing term..
mein peeta nahi whisky, beer ya rum..
Hum Dil De chuke sanam...
Diga Diga Dum Dum...
Karte Hai PJ khatam..
VANDE MATARAM..........
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College ka "pj" :-
College me ki masti Aur pad gayi maar..
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Wah. Wah !!
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College me ki masti Aur pad gayi maar..
.wah wah! :P
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Ab Nimbu Ki Shakti ke saath naya VIM bar..!!
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SANTA - Where there's smoke, you'll find my wife cooking dinner.
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Sardar Ji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash hands but starts washing the BASIN instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "what are you doing?"To this,
Sardar Ji replies,"Oye, see the board here ---" Wash Basin ".
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Why girls prefer Love Marriage more than Arrange Marriage...???
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.
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Because a known Kamina is better than an Unknown Namuna....!!! :P
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AAM JINDAGI...............
College Ke 4 Saal Barbaad Ho Gaye....
Humne 1 B Ladki Nahi Patayi..............
MENTOS JINDAGi.............
1 b Ladki Hume Pata Nahi Payi.....
College Ke 4 Saal Phir Se Barbad Ho Gaye...............
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Man shoots a mad dog 2 save lady
Newspapr:INDIAN SAVES LADY!! :D
Man- im not Indian
Nwspapr:FOREIGNER SAVES LADY
Man-im Pakistani...
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.
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Nwspaper:TERRORIST ATTACK ON LOCAL DOG.. . :P ;)
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Man shoots a mad dog 2 save lady
Newspapr:INDIAN SAVES LADY!! :D
Man- im not Indian
Nwspapr:FOREIGNER SAVES LADY
Man-im Pakistani...
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.
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Nwspaper:TERRORIST ATTACK ON LOCAL DOG.. . :P ;)
bad.
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Santa - Ye Chhota Medal Tumhe Kyu Mila Hai?
Banta - Gaane Ke Liye
Santa - Aur Ye Bada Wala?
Banta - Apna Gana Band Karne Ke Liye.
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Ek Sardar Ladies ward me admit ho gaya
Nurse:-Tumko sharm nahi aati.
Sardar bola:-Sharm kaisi...Hum to Paida hi Ladies Ward me hue the...
Sardar Rocks...
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1Pagal Sardar Cigarette Chupa Kar: Batao Mere Hath Me Kya Hai?
2sra Pagal:Rail Gadi
1st:Tume Kese Pta Chala?
2nd:Mene Dhuwaa Niklte Dekha.
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Santa-Mera Ghar Itna Bada Hai K Andar Local Train Chalti He.
Banta-Mera Ghar To Itna Bada He Ki Kone Me Chale Jao To Roaming Lagti Hai.
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Banta sent sms 2 Santa: Bhejnewala mahan,padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.
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Jeeto: Tumne Kbi Socha H K Meri Shadi Kisi Or Se Ho Jati To Kya Hota
Santa: Nhi MEne kbhi Kisi Ka Bura Nhi Socha
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Jeeto:Main? Tumhare Liye Duniya K Kisi B Kone Tak Ja Sakta Hu.
Santa:Lekin Pehle Ye Waada Karo Ki Tum Wapas Nhi Aaoge.
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Santa pikr lauta, biwi ki daant se bachne k liye badi si kitab kholkar padne laga
Wife:aaj fir pikar aye ho
Santa:nahi
Wife:to suitcase kholkar kya badbada rahe ho.
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1 dukhi Sardar bola"Aisi zindagi se to maut achi Achanak yamdut aya or bola"Tumari jaan lene aya hu"
Sardar: Lo karlo baat, Ab dukhi admi mazak b nahi kar sakta.
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In a 100 meter race .It was announced *1 2 3* start*. All started running expect sardar.... Coach:""why r u still waiting??"" Sardar:"My no. is 4".
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A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then a Little Sardarji spoke up: "We are all human beans."
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Teacher: what is half of 8 ?
Rajnikant: 4
Santa: depend karta h agar horizntaly aadha karo to '0' Aur verticly kato toh '3'...
1st tym rajni lost...
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That's all ! Keep smiling. ;D
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Jeeto:Main? Tumhare Liye Duniya K Kisi B Kone Tak Ja Sakta Hu.
Santa:Lekin Pehle Ye Waada Karo Ki Tum Wapas Nhi Aaoge.
Sweet this one. :)
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bad.
Its only a joke. ::)
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bad.
That was only a joke, no offence.
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Its only a joke. ::)
whatever, but i love my paki like tooo much ::)
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whatever, but i love my paki like tooo much ::)
I know how patriotic you are. But a joke, Zar, surely you understand that. ::)
But if you dnt, then many apologies. ::) :P *whatever look*
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I know how patriotic you are. But a joke, Zar, surely you understand that. ::)
But if you dnt, then many apologies. ::) :P *whatever look*
yes n im proud of that lol
*mrs huma style* yes u have to be sorry ^ lmao!
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yes n im proud of that lol
*mrs huma style* yes u have to be sorry ^ lmao!
WHATEVER. ::)
Moving on....
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Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
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TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
What is da true meaning of 'Study' ???
.
S. Sleeping
T. Talking
U. Unlimited tafreh
D. Dreaming
Y. Yawning
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When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
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TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
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LOVE
L=loss of money.
o=out of mind.
v=vaste of time.
e=end of life.
So dont LOVE.
Only line maro.
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WHATEVER. ::)
Moving on....
stop whatever -ing! i dont like it >:(
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stop whatever -ing! i dont like it >:(
Fine, sorry. I wont bother again.
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Machali Jal ki Rani hain....
Jeevan uska Pani hain.....
Ab toh Munni purani hain....
Aur.....
Mast Mast Sheila ki Jawani hain....! :P
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Bachpan mein Nani se sunte thein Pariyon ki kahani...
wah Wah...!!!
Bachpan mein Nani se sunte thein Pariyon ki kahani...
Aur ab bade hokar hum sunn rahe hain Sheila Ki Jawani !!! :P
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Helpdesk: Double click on "My Computer"
User: I can't see your computer.
Helpdesk: No, double click on "My Computer" on your computer.
User: Huh?
Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it.
...User: What's your computer doing on mine?
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America-Mobile hamari khoj hai. Japan-Sim card hamari khoj hai. China-Sms hamari khoj hai. Korya-Blutooth hamari khoj hai. India-Miss kol hamare desh ki larkiyon ki khoj hai ;)
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Yo mama so fat, when she passed in front of the window, i missed three days of sunlight xDD
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OLD CONCEPT-"Do or die"
NEW CONCEPT-"Do before u die"
LATEST CONCEPT-"Dont die until u do"
OUR CONCEPT-koi batayega sala karna kya hai?
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OLD CONCEPT-"Do or die"
NEW CONCEPT-"Do before u die"
LATEST CONCEPT-"Dont die until u do"
OUR CONCEPT-koi batayega sala karna kya hai?
nice....
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America-Mobile hamari khoj hai. Japan-Sim card hamari khoj hai. China-Sms hamari khoj hai. Korya-Blutooth hamari khoj hai. India-Miss kol hamare desh ki larkiyon ki khoj hai ;)
LOL :D Nice one!
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LOL :D Nice one!
Thank you.
Thank you MEGAMIND.
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;)(http://sparklescalculus.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/standard-creepiness-age3.png)
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Mother: Can you do ANYTHING that others can not do?
Son: Yes mom, I can read my handwriting...
:P
Man: My wife is scared of water
Friend: How do you know?
Man: Today when I came home, she was in the bath tub with the security guard.
:P ::)
Ms.Battle: Henry,I hope I didn't see you copying Casey's math test.
Henry: I hope you didn't either.
::)
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A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, 'Mother of Six', in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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A man was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a visitor waiting for him outside the bar.
He had just bought another large beer and he didn"t want anyone to drink it.
So, he wrote a little sign on a piece of paper and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer."
When he returned to his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!"
LOL. :P
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"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
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LOL Dibss and lia :D
3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bannanas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.
So the 1st guy gets 2 bannanas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.
Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says 'Hey dude why did you laugh you could've gone back and told out families what had happened'.
The 2nd explorer replies, 'Sorry I just couldn't stop when I saw fred comin down the hill with 10 pinneapples.
Old member's joke, was funny so i posted here... if you mind i will remove it ::)
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LOL Dibss and lia :D
3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bannanas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.
So the 1st guy gets 2 bannanas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.
Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says 'Hey dude why did you laugh you could've gone back and told out families what had happened'.
The 2nd explorer replies, 'Sorry I just couldn't stop when I saw fred comin down the hill with 10 pinneapples.
Old member's joke, was funny so i posted here... if you mind i will remove it ::)
Hahahahahahahahahaha xDDD
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Blonde goes to see Doctor to find out if she's pregnant or not!
Doctor says to blonde: Congragulations you are pregnant!
Blonde: YES I AM SOOOO HAPPY
Doctor: Even better news you are going to have twins!
Blonde cries!
Doctor; Why are you crying? Don't you want twins?
Blonde: It's not that.. it's just I don't know who the second father is!
xDDD
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After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women; she loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart :
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
3. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
4. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
5. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
6. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
7. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
8. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
9. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
And last, but not least ..
10. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
Patti Barber, Office Supervisor IAccounting Unit, Behavioral Health Services
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A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money :o
The old guy said,"Son,It was 1932. The depth of the great depression. I was down to my last nickel..i invested that in an apple & spent the day polishng it & at the end of day, i sold the apple fer ten cents. :o Next day, i invested those 10 cents in 2 apples. I polished them whole day and sold them for 20 cents. I continued doing this fer a month. By the end of which i had accumulated a fortune of $1.37. :P Then, my wife's father died & left us 2 MILLION dollars" :P
Moral: Hardworkng is just crappy. Yuh will have to find a chick whose father is a MILLIONAIRE :P :P ;)
This is just fer jokes. :D
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^ Real nice, Crooky. ::) :D
ADAM AND EVE WERE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN, AND EVE HAD NOT BEEN THERE LONG AND ADAM WAS TRYING TO GET A GRASP ON THE FEMALE THING, SO HE ASKED GOD IF THEY COULD TALK. GOD REPLIED, SURE YOUR MY SON AND I LOVE YOU YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING.SO ADAM ASKED, GOD YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THE BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS AND THE SUNSET....BUT I LOOK AT EVE AND SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL IT TAKES MY BREATH AWAY.. WHY GOD, DID YOU MAKE HER SO BEAUTIFUL? GOD REPLIED, MY SON THAT IS EASY, I MADE HER THAT WAY SO YOU WOULD LOVE HER, ADAM REPLIED WELL, IT WORKED BUT I HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION.. I TOUCH THE COOL WATER AND RUB THE FURRY ANIMALS AND THE FEEL SO GOOD TO ME BUT I TOUCH EVE AND IT IS SO WONDERFUL MY HEART ALMOST STOPS.. GOD, WHY DID YOU MAKE HER THAT WAY? GOD REPLIED WELL ADAM THATS EASY I MADE HER THAT WAY SO YOU'D LOVE HER.. WELL ADAM REPLIED, IT WORKED, I DO, BUT GOD I HAVE ONE MORE QUESTION AND I DON'T MEAN TO QUESTION YOUR WISDOM OR ANYTHING, BUT GOD SHE'S STUPID, WHY DID YOU MAKE HER STUPID? GOD REPLIED MY SON THATS EASY I MADE HER THAT WAY SO SHE WOULD LOVE YOU!!!
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hahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
that was really veary veary very funny............
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hahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
that was really veary veary very funny............
You are suppose to write jokes, not only commentary -.-
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"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
awesome
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John Lennon imagined a world filled with peace and love. Martin Luther King dreamt of a world free from racial discrimination and oppression. The guy who invented the Frisbee, dreamt of a world where people would throw a fat, circular object at each other in order to pass the time. He succeeded. :o ::)
Yo' mama so stupid, she got locked in a supermarket and starved to death! :D
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Classic Example for students of different age grps:
1st to 3rd std- Hey! I studied everythng 4 exam..
4th to 6th std - That ques. was very hard so I left only that quesn.....
...
7th to 10th std - read only imp. questns.
11th std - I think 4 chapters r enuf to get pass.
12th std - kal exam kaunsa hai yaar.
nd in college - oh sh*t! Aaj exam tha?? kisi ne bataya kyon nhi!! :P
Dedicated to all rocking students..!! :D :)See More
:D
- Master_Key.
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John Lennon imagined a world filled with peace and love. Martin Luther King dreamt of a world free from racial discrimination and oppression. The guy who invented the Frisbee, dreamt of a world where people would throw a fat, circular object at each other in order to pass the time. He succeeded. :o ::)
Yo' mama so stupid, she got locked in a supermarket and starved to death! :D
Hahaha, nice ! :D
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^ thanks. :P
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_8frajQazWek/SaBeVq0mRsI/AAAAAAAAAsk/h_Am9CsS590/s400/computerfriends.jpg)
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Skit.
"He Said He's Met You Before!":
Characters: (1) Old man; (2) Old woman; (3) gas station attendant.
The old married couple is sitting in two chairs up front. They are acting as if they are driving in a car with the old man's hand on the steering wheel. They pull into a gas station, and the old man roles down his window.
Gas station attendant: "Can I help you?"
Old man: "Fill 'er up."
Old Woman: (asks the old man) "What'd he say?"
Old Man: "He asked if he could help us."
Old Woman: "Tell him to fill 'er up."
Old Man: "I told him to fill it up."
Gas station attendant: "Where are you two headed?"
Old Man: "We're going to Disneyland."
Old Woman: "What'd he say?"
Old man: "He asked us where we're headed."
Old Woman: "Tell him we're going to Disneyland."
Old Man: (disgustingly) "I told him we're going to Disneyland!"
Gas station attendant: "Where are you two from?"
Old Man: "We're from Hudsonville."
Old Woman: "What'd he say?"
Old Man: (angrily) "He asked us where we're from!"
Old Woman: "Tell him we're from Hudsonville."
Old Man: (very angry) "I TOLD HIM WE'RE FROM HUDSONVILLE!"
Gas station attendant: "Hudsonville, I've been to Hudsonville before. The women there are DOG UGLY!"
Old Woman: "What'd he say?"
Old Man: (looks at the old woman, then at the gas station attendant, and then back to the old woman and says) "He said he's met you before!"
Curtain closes — or lights go down — and music comes on (ideally), or old woman and man get up and walk out of the room like old folks.
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^ Yer jokes are too english. :P
Me: Ask me if im a tree.
Friend: No
Me: ask me if im a tree.
Friend: NO
Me: Ask me if im a tree.
Friend: FINE ARE U A BLOODY TREE??
Me: No. :P
Not even 2012, paranormal activity, shooting, bomb attacks, or failing a class is more terrifying than seeing 5 missed calls from mom. :P :P
Studies say 90% women don't like men in pink T-shirts
IRONICALLY
90% Men in pink T-shirts don't like women. ::) :P
Man walks into elevator.
Blonde: T-G-I-F
Man: S-H-I-T
Blonde (Confused): T--G--I--F--
Man (Slowly): S--H--I--T--
Blonde: T-G-I-F means Thank God It's Friday
Man Giggles: Sorry Honey It's Thursday! :P
*Your about to get arrested*
Cop: Your in a lot of trouble!
You: wait. wait! WAIT.
Cop: WHAT!?
You: Can I update my status to "chilling in jail?" :P
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?.. He looked at her from head to toe and replied: your sense of humor. :P :
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Don't u think that this jokes are much longer
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And your jokes are french, Crooky? :D
Don't u think that this jokes are much longer
They are fine. :P
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And your jokes are french, Crooky? :D
No, they are hot. :P
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No, they are hot. :P
Like you.. :P
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Like you.. :P
Likewise. :P
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flirting each other ;)
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flirting each other ;)
You got that right. :D :P
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You got that right. :D :P
Oh please. Flirt hogi TUM. :P
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Oh please. Flirt hogi TUM. :P
aur tum kia ho? ::)
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aur tum kia ho? ::)
Crooked. :P
We're such jokers. :P
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lolz
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lolz
This made him laugh. ::) :P
Anyways,
Hindi Jokes. :P
Teacher: OXFORD matlab kya hai?
Student: OX matlab bail, FORD matlab Gaadi. to OXFORD matlab bail gaadi
Teacher: raju, tum kis liye college aate ho?
Student: vidya ke khaatir
Teacher: toh ab so kyu rahe ho?
Student: aaj vidya nahi aayi hai sir
Pati: mere marne ke baad, kyaa tum doosri shaadi karogi?
Patni: nahi. main apni behan ki saath rahungi. aap?
Pati: main bhi tumhaare behan ke saath rahunga
1st wife: tumhaara sharaabi pati roz peekar ghar aata hai na. tum poochti kyu nahi ho.
2nd wife: main poochi thi. lekin unhone mujhe diyaa nahi.
Doctor: aap dariye mat. main hoo na.
Patient: wahi mera sabse bada dar hai doctor.
Patient: Doctor, yeh mera pehla operation hai. thoda dhyaan se karna.
Doctor: dara mat. yeh mera bhi pehla operation hai
Doctor: is dawaa ko ek hafte main poora karo aur baad main aake milo.
Patient: teek hai doctor
(ek hafte ke baad)
Doctor: dawaa khatam huaa kya?
Patient: nahi doctor.
Doctor: kyu nahi?
Patient: usme likhaa thaa ke, bottle ko hamesha bandh rakhe
Funny Hindi Jokes
1st beggar: arey, tum kyu us cinema poster ko aise gur rahe ho?
2nd beggar: main hee is cinema ka producer hoo
Beggar: 10 rupaiya dedo saab. girlfriend ko phone karni hai.
Saab ka girlfriend: dekho, bhikaari bhi apni girlfriend ko kitna pyar karta hai.
Beggar: nahi memsaab, use pyar karne ke baad hee main bhikaari ban gayaa
Maalik: arey, tune 500 saal puraani ghadi thod dee hai.
naukar: bach gaya saab, main to samjha yeh nayaa hai
Ramu: Sir, mere ghar mein TV chodke baaki sabki chori hogayi hai?
Police: chor ne sirf TV kisliye chodaa hoga?
Ramu: mujhe kya pataa sir? main us samay TV mein serial dekh rahaa thaa
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Ravan ne shri ram ji se mafi mane ka faisla kiya aur ayodhya aa gaye.
Mehal ka darvaj knock kiya.
Ramji ne door khola.
Ravan soch raha tha..
Guess what?..
.
.
Kis Mooh se Mafi Mangu??!!
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@Amelia
post a joke after joke not all together
this confuses me
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@Amelia
post a joke after joke not all together
this confuses me
lol u read a joke after joke, not all together
it wont confuse you..! :D
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that is also ri8 mixed bt still
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emo double posting not allowed on sf i guess !
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emo double posting not allowed on sf i guess !
k
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Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
Yo mama aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!
Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.
Yo mama breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
I saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Moving."
Yo mama teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
k
Avoid Spamming. :P ::)
-
Boys hold Girls hands in the shopping malls and they'll be walking so close..
Do you know why???
Because if you leave them, they start purchasing :)
ITS ROMANTIC AND ECONOMIC ;)
k Amelia
-
A boy came running in the kitchen,
Boy:Dad, There is an ugly monster at the door
Dad(Looking at his wife):
Tell him we have already got one!
Maths teacher asked JOHNY
“If u have 12 chocalate and u give 5 to DONA,
3 to ALICE and 4 to ROMA then wat will u get ?
JOHNY replied “Sir! 3 new girl friends”.
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
What is similarity between Bill Gates and me?
Don’t know??
He never comes to my house
and I never go to his house
EGO PROBLEMS YOU KNOW…
Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.
Everyone must attend it.
John: No! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher: Why?
John: My mother will not allow me to go so far !!
Commerce professor asks the student: what is the most important source of finance for starting business?
Student: "Father in law".
-
Commerce professor asks the student: what is the most important source of finance for starting business?
Student: "Father in law".
lmao !! awesome 1 :D
-
Commerce professor asks the student: what is the most important source of finance for starting business?
Student: "Father in law".
Lolzz
-
The Dream Eggs!
Joe did like he always does, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed."What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked."This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.""WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too young." said Joe. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately.""It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own"Joe thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad."I want to return as a hen." Joe replied.In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then along came the rooster."Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?""Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up.""Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."Joe clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground."Wow" Joe said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Joe, for Christ's sake!!! Wake up ... you're shittin' all over the bed!"
-
<3 Before Marriage <3
Boy: At last i can Hardly wait!
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don"t even theink about it!
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course, always!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No, why are you asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance i get
Girl: Will you slap me?
Boy: Hell no, are you crazy?!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes!
Girl: Darling!!
After marriage Read It backwards!!
-
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
-
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned
from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 7 June'07
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!
With regards-
Your loving Hubby
-
Kabir ne kaha hai ki
"Kal Kare so aaj kar,
Aaj kar so aab."
Ab mujhe koi ye bataye k kal honewali toilet koi aaj kese kar sakta hai???!! ;)
-
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'
-
Teacher asked students :- what do you get to learn from Rab Ne Banadi Jodi
one student :- agar hum mehnat kare to shadi-shuda ladki bhi patt sakti hai !!!
;)
-
Prem bhagwan ki lila hai!!
wah wah
.
.
.
Prem bhagwan ki lila hai
main karu to sala Character Dheela hai!
-
Prem bhagwan ki lila hai!!
wah wah
.
.
.
Prem bhagwan ki lila hai
main karu to sala Character Dheela hai!
yeh suna hua hai mere bhai
-
Teacher:-Galti Karne Pe mafi mange use kya kehte hai?
Student:-Samajdar
Teacher:-Galti na karne ke bawajood mafi mange use kya kehte hai?
Student:-Boyfriend
;) :D ;) :D
Teacher:-On making a mistake if anybody says sorry then what do we say them?
Student:-Understanding person
Teacher:-Without making any mistake if anybody says sorry than what do we say them?
Student:-Boy Friend
;) :D ;) :D
-
yeh BHI suna hua hai mere bhai. ;)
-
yeh BHI suna hua hai mere bhai. ;)
lol haha :P
-
A man is out walking in New York city when he sees a little girl being chased by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by hitting the dog’s head with a stick and saves the girl’s life.
The girl’s mother rushes over to him: “Thank you so much for saving my little girl. You are a true hero. Tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about ‘Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl’”
“But I’m not a New Yorker,” the man says.
“Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl,” says the mother.
“But I’m not an American neither,” the man says. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
“So, what are you then?” asks the mother.
“I’m an Iranian,” the man replied politely.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
“Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.”
-
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making guy steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“Today is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out of the cab, I forgot my wallet, cash and credit cards in the there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
-
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.”
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.
The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
LolZZZzzz.... :D
-
lmao last one ;D
-
Me no study. ;D
Me no care. ;)
Me go marry. :D
A millionaire. :-*
If she dies. :o
Me no cry. ::)
Me go marry. ::)
Another wife. 8)
-
you no care
you no cry
you no love
you no good
you no life? :P
-
<3 Before Marriage <3
Boy: At last i can Hardly wait!
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don"t even theink about it!
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course, always!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No, why are you asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance i get
Girl: Will you slap me?
Boy: Hell no, are you crazy?!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes!
Girl: Darling!!
After marriage Read It backwards!!
LOL...good one! :D
-
Me no study. ;D
Me no care. ;)
Me go marry. :D
A millionaire. :-*
If she dies. :o
Me no cry. ::)
Me go marry. ::)
Another wife. 8)
cool
-
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
-
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
-
Interviewer:
what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar: Oye bewakoof___ EVERY YEAR
Manager asked sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.
After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.
When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver
adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my
wife? Sit behind. I will drive.
Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, it caught fire
and how will you escape?
Sardar: it is simple. I will stop my imagination! !!
Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.
Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told her I Love her, but she said her chappals are new
Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow !!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!
Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: B'because it is Black & White
Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.
Sardar in airplane going to Bombay .. While it is landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"
Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !!
Sardar: Miss, Did u call to my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".
(Had never thought of it)
Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE
Well Dont mind for the sardarji thing
-
you no care
you no cry
you no love
you no good
you no life? :P
Me agree you :D
He no care
he no cry
he no love
he no live :P
-
Taoism:
sh*t happens.
Buddhism:
If sh*t happens, it's not really sh*t.
Islam:
If sh*t happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism:
sh*t happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism:
Why does this sh*t always happen to us?
Hinduism:
This sh*t happened before.
Catholicism:
sh*t happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna:
sh*t happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism:
Send more sh*t.
Atheism:
No sh*t.
Jehova's Witness:
Knock knock, sh*t happens.
Hedonism:
There's nothing like a good sh*t happening.
Christian Science:
sh*t happens in your mind.
Agnosticism:
Maybe sh*t happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this sh*t.
Existentialism:
What is sh*t anyway?
Stoicism:
This sh*t doesn't bother me.
-
:o lol
+rep ::)
-
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Lol. :P
-
haha ;D
+rep for this :P
-
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"
:P
-
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOl those were hilarious!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
Eleven people were hanging on a rope Under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all So they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, Until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, Because, as a woman, She was used to giving up everything For her husband and kids or for men in general, And was used to always making sacrifices With little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, All the men started clapping . . . .
-
Eleven people were hanging on a rope Under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all So they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, Until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, Because, as a woman, She was used to giving up everything For her husband and kids or for men in general, And was used to always making sacrifices With little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, All the men started clapping . . . .
Looool that was one smart woman ;D
-
^Or maybe those were dumb men ::)
-
Or maybe it was both ways ::)
-
MY DEAREST WIFE
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
**********************
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
-
LOL XD funny in a sick way. ::) :P
Does not serve the 'clean' purpose of the thread. :P
-
LOL XD funny in a sick way. ::) :P
Does not serve the 'clean' purpose of the thread. :P
Okay, here's another ::) Clean one. :P
POPE AND QUEEN OF ENGLAND
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.
-
Okay, here's another ::) Clean one. :P
POPE AND QUEEN OF ENGLAND
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL XD XD XD
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :P
That was a good one! XD
-
if a man opens a door of car for women
then there can be one of this reasons
the car is new or the wife
-
if a man opens a door of car for women
then there can be one of this reasons
the car is new or the wife
Didn't get it. :-\
-
Didn't get it. :-\
are read that twice it is so simple any an comic
-
are read that twice it is so simple any an comic
Ah. My twisted sense of humor. ::)
-
Ah. My twisted sense of humor. ::)
lol about this
-
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
-
~ Nerdy pick-up lines... really? ::)
1)I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
2) You make me want to calibrate my joystick without the latest drivers.
3)I wish I were adenine because then I could get paired with U.
4)You have nicer legs than an Isosceles right triangle.
5)You know, it’s not the length of the vector that counts, it’s how you apply the force.
6)You have 243 bones in your body, want another one?
7)If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?
-
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
A ?Smart? Blonde?
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
LOL! ::)
-
^LOoool good one :D
-
^ you are probably the only one reading them.. :P ::)
---
Teacher to genious student !!
What is half of 8 ?
Student : Well u want da answer in Vertical or Horizontal ??
Teacher : I cant understand !!
Student : Well if in vertical means Answer is 3 And in horizontal means its 0 !! ;)
---
My wife said, " I don't know what I'd say if you ever won the lottery."
I said, " Oh, there's three little words that spring to mind."
She said, " I love you."
I said, " No... where's he gone?
-----
-
A ?Smart? Blonde?
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
LOL! ::)
LOL!!
That was awesome :D
made me laughed... +rep :D
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^ you are probably the only one reading them.. :P ::)
And your point is? :P
Actually I'm sure many ppl read it, I'm the only one who commented 8)
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And your point is? :P
Actually I'm sure many ppl read it, I'm the only one who commented 8)
I dont care about the comments, my motive is to make them laugh. 8) :P
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40TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"
The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
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CONFESSION
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
-
CONFESSION
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
looooooool + rep
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40TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"
The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
I didn't get the last part. :-[ :-[
CONFESSION
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Hahaha. +rep
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~Dog joke
-Why it’s nice to be a dog…
-No one expects you to take a bath every day.
-Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
-When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
-If it itches, you can reach it.
-And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
-You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
-If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
-You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
-Having big feet is considered an asset.
-If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
-No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
-No matter where you live, you own the place.
-Your mate never complains because you whine.
-Puppy love can last.
--------
The State Mental Hospital
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to
show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
-
The State Mental Hospital
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to
show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
Epic!!! So funny... Used part of it as my status on a network. Thanks hey, first time I ever saw it.
-
Hilarious,
http://maniacmuslim.com/?p=312
-
~Dog joke
-Why it’s nice to be a dog…
-No one expects you to take a bath every day.
-Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
-When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
-If it itches, you can reach it.
-And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
-You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
-If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
-You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
-Having big feet is considered an asset.
-If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
-No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
-No matter where you live, you own the place.
-Your mate never complains because you whine.
-Puppy love can last.
--------
The State Mental Hospital
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to
show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
Excellent. ;D
-
?7 Things Girls Do In an Exam Hall:
1. Write
2. Tuck Hair Behind Ears
3. Again Write
4. Chnge d Empty Refill
5. Again Write
6. Ask for Extra Sheet
7. Again Keep Writing
Seven things Boys do in an Exam Hall:
1. Count d No of Girls
2. Check Out the Young Lady Supervisor
3. Counting hw many windows n doors..
4. Revising the Location of Chits in d Pockets
5. Seeing the Brand Name of the Pen
6. Regreting Wasting the Last Nght Studying
7. Think 2 study well atleast 4 nxt xam
& After Exams...
Girls: u Knw Paper was bad, it ws so Lengthy I Culd'nt Draw a Diagram... I am Going to Fail (Means 80+ Marks)
Boys: Fun, man! just pulling out an all-nighter... Let's go to McDonald's! :P
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Reality Of OUR COUNTRY
Most of the 1st class passed students get... technical seats; Some become Doctors & some become Engineers.
The 2nd class passed
students pass MBA & become Administrator & control the 1st class.
The 3rd class passed students enter in to Politics & become Minister & control both.
Last but not least
The failure joins
"UNDERWORLD"
&
Control all the Above
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?7 Things Girls Do In an Exam Hall:
1. Write
2. Tuck Hair Behind Ears
3. Again Write
4. Chnge d Empty Refill
5. Again Write
6. Ask for Extra Sheet
7. Again Keep Writing
Seven things Boys do in an Exam Hall:
1. Count d No of Girls
2. Check Out the Young Lady Supervisor
3. Counting hw many windows n doors..
4. Revising the Location of Chits in d Pockets
5. Seeing the Brand Name of the Pen
6. Regreting Wasting the Last Nght Studying
7. Think 2 study well atleast 4 nxt xam
& After Exams...
Girls: u Knw Paper was bad, it ws so Lengthy I Culd'nt Draw a Diagram... I am Going to Fail (Means 80+ Marks)
Boys: Fun, man! just pulling out an all-nighter... Let's go to McDonald's! :P
Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa loooooooooooooooooooool....Regretting last night studying?? Hahahaha :P
When did girls get so 'studious' ::)
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Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa loooooooooooooooooooool....Regretting last night studying?? Hahahaha :P
When did girls get so 'studious' ::)
Since the beginning of era, pretty boy. But this is only a joke. ;)
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Since the beginning of era, pretty boy. But this is only a joke. ;)
This is hence better known as a joke. You know, what I mean to say. ;)
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^ Keep laughing, fellas! ;)
(http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/313421_10150426388796303_556441302_10800031_1616085000_n.jpg)
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(http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/315565_285161881502844_209436865742013_1133491_921841163_n.jpg)
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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.
He decided to test it at dinner:
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school. (robot slaps son)
Son: Okay I went to the movies!
... ... Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again)
Son: Okay, I was watching porn.
Dad: What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)
Mom: Hahahahahahaha After all he is your son (robot slaps mom)
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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.
He decided to test it at dinner:
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school. (robot slaps son)
Son: Okay I went to the movies!
... ... Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again)
Son: Okay, I was watching porn.
Dad: What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)
Mom: Hahahahahahaha After all he is your son (robot slaps mom)
Nice one, gorgeous. ;D
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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.
He decided to test it at dinner:
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school. (robot slaps son)
Son: Okay I went to the movies!
... ... Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again)
Son: Okay, I was watching porn.
Dad: What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)
Mom: Hahahahahahaha After all he is your son (robot slaps mom)
LOL creepy :P ;)
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rofl, good one
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This is the story of Santa and Banta, Both of them got bored of using mobiles........
Santa : Boss enough mobile use
Banta: Yes yaar they are taking money from us like anything.
Santa: How we can communicate without mobile yaar.
Banta : Yaar we will keep pigeons and through them we will send our messages.
We will tie our chits to their legs. So they kept pigeons and Santa singh first sent one pigeon to Banta singh.
The pigeon reached Banta's house but Banta was not able to find any messages tied.
Banta to Santa : What yaar pigeon reached in time but I was not able to find the message attached to it.
Santa Are Yaar That was a missed call I sent to you.
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This is the story of Santa and Banta, Both of them got bored of using mobiles........
Santa : Boss enough mobile use
Banta: Yes yaar they are taking money from us like anything.
Santa: How we can communicate without mobile yaar.
Banta : Yaar we will keep pigeons and through them we will send our messages.
We will tie our chits to their legs. So they kept pigeons and Santa singh first sent one pigeon to Banta singh.
The pigeon reached Banta's house but Banta was not able to find any messages tied.
Banta to Santa : What yaar pigeon reached in time but I was not able to find the message attached to it.
Santa Are Yaar That was a missed call I sent to you.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL ;D Good one. (Y)
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Euro English
The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be Expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
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Hilarious!
+rep
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
haha ;D
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Hilarious!
+rep
haha ;D
Seconded. (Y) ;D
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Hahaha! Lool thats definitely true!!
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Topic merged
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for the Urdu/Hindi speakers
(http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/534539_378095462221111_145264895504170_1186257_1282134980_n.jpg)
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LOL reading urdu in urdu is so much easier :P
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Im still missing the point of what kind of process would need to be instantiated by a message expiring in a queue - any queue. What is there to clean up? How can a non-consumable message be correlated to something in need of cleaning up?