Clean jokes thread!!!

[nid404]

Glad you'll enjoyed 

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

___________

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that her battery was run out, so she instructed her son to use his phone to pass along an urgent message to daddy, who is at work.
           
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a woman that picked up daddy’s phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
         
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work. Immediately upon seeing him, she gave him a hard slap,
while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap. People from the neighborhood rushed around to see what was going on.
                         
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the woman said to him when he called. Junior said, “The number you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment. Please try again later.”

_____________

[Kim]

lol good ones sweety!!!

 

[WARRIOR]

hehe nice ones

[DrEvil]

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?" The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again! The man was astonished. He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

[WARRIOR]

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?" The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again! The man was astonished. He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.

lol the typical joke you tell someone adn hne get ready to run

--
how do you the keeper of your building is egyptian?

he cleans the elevator at every floor

[Arthur Bon Zavi]

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

[Lana Wolf]

SHE WAS SO BLONDE.................

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate"
* she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
* she got stabbed in a shoot-out
* she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
* she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday
* she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
* she sat on the tv and watched the couch
* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
* she tried to drown a fish
* she thought a quarterback was a refund
* she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
* if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
* they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
* under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
* she tripped over a cordless phone
* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
* at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
* it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
* if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
* she studied for a blood test - and failed
* she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
* she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
* she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
* she sold the car for gas money
* when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
* she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
* when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
* when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
* Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"

hahahaha... +rep

I lovee blond jokes.. loll

[nid404]

Thankcha 

This place is so friggin DUULLLLLLL 

People need to cheer up 

So here you go....for all those depressed asses out there 

(learn to laugh at stupid things  )

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."





"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

___________
 

[nid404]

GARFIELD FTW!!!!!!!!

Garfield: Another day ruined.
[on seeing Odie bringing Jon's paper in for him]
Garfield: Oh, you little suck-up!
_________________________________

[Garfield shoves Odie off a chair]
Garfield: Down, dumb dog!
[Odie jumps on Garfield's chair again]
Garfield: Whoa... what part of "no" don't you understand? The push-off-the-chair?
[pushes Odie off the chair]
Garfield: Off! I don't wanna play!
[Odie jumps on Garfield's chair one more time]
Garfield: Look, what am I supposed to say? Thanks, for saving my hide with Luca? Okay, thanks for saving my hide with Luca.
[pushes Odie off the chair]
Garfield: Get off!
_____________________________

Jon Arbuckle: What am I gonna do with you?
Garfield: Love me, feed me, never leave me.

_____________________________

Jon Arbuckle:You know what the world needs?
Garfield:(thinking)More sugary treats!?
Jon Arbuckle: Love!
Garfield: What are you some kind of a nut?
_____________________________

[nid404]

Famous Garfield quotes 

I'm not over-weight, I'm under-tall.

Diet is "die" with a "t."

I'll rise, but I won't shine.

I'm not messy. I'm organizationally challenged!

All I do is eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. There must be more to a cat's life than that. But I hope not.

Anybody can exercise... But this kind of lethargy takes real discipline.

Avoid fruits and nuts: after all, you are what you eat.

Some people have anxiety attacks, some people have gas attacks ...I have nap attacks.

Good times are ahead! Or behind. Because they sure aren't here.

Odie, let's talk effort versus return here. You know, you can still lead a pointless life without all that running around.

[nid404]

And moooore 


Garfield: (Lying down on the table) No animal is more graceful than a cat.
(Looks at the camera,still lying down and then moves head back to original position)
Garfield: You'll have to take my word for it.
___________

Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you.
Garfield: Feed Me.
___________
Jon: You should start each day with a smile.
Garfield: That's a pretty tall order. Couldn't I start with a smirk and work my way up?
___________
Jon: Do you know what I love about you, Garfield? You're so unpredictable.
In the space of a few seconds, Garfield, who had been lying peacefully on Jon's lap, rips off the sleeve of Jon's shirt, hits Jon in the face with a pie, yanks Jon's pants off his body, and kicks Jon's chair over backwards.
Jon: Me and my biiiiiiiig mouth.
___________

Garfield: If you can guess how many cookies are in this jar, you win the entire contents!
Jon: You ate them all, didn't you?
Garfield: WE HAVE A WINNER!
___________
Jon: You get the house filthy, and I clean it!
Garfield: Ah, the delicate balance of nature.
___________

Jon: Garfield, there was a pan of lasagna here. Where's the lasagna?
Garfield: (Grinning) Resting comfortably.
Jon: Where's the pan?
Garfield: (Clutching his stomach) Resting not so comfortably.
___________
Phone (Garfield picks up) May I speak to the moron of the house?
Garfield (Looking over his shoulder, seeing Jon and Odie) Could you be more specific?

[Deadly_king]

A major computer manufacturer has been asked to change the command " Press any key to continue" since many users could not find the "ANY" key on their keyboard.

[Master_Key]

Father to son:
If You don’t pass your Exams this time
Dont call me DAD,
After some days……..
Father:How is your result?
...Son:Sorry Bhai Saab..

[Heart Hacker]

LMAO!

[DrEvil]

LOL... Nice ones...