Author Topic: Clean jokes thread!!!  (Read 136684 times)

Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #240 on: June 13, 2010, 02:26:26 pm »
Hey!!!! I post so many jokes here and I don't get +repped!!!  >:( >:(
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #241 on: June 13, 2010, 02:33:38 pm »
    Alright people..... spread the smile... :P :P >:D >:D                           

                                 The Gun and the Watch


Two friends, an Italian boy and a German boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol.

On the other side of town, at his Bar , the German boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade.

That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.

"Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.

The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.

The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?"
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #242 on: June 13, 2010, 02:35:50 pm »
                                        Letter to GOD USA

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #243 on: June 13, 2010, 02:37:44 pm »
          >:D >:D >:D >:D                         



                                         A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub


A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #244 on: June 13, 2010, 02:39:40 pm »
                                                        Bad Dog  ::) ::)


A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps".

The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work tofollow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!"

"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?"

The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #245 on: June 13, 2010, 02:42:46 pm »
                             Farting Turn :P :P

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
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Offline The Golden Girl =D

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #246 on: June 13, 2010, 03:15:58 pm »
Hey!!!! I post so many jokes here and I don't get +repped!!!  >:( >:(


i just did :)
Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest(13:28)

Please, Don't forget to Include GG in your Prayers =D

Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #247 on: June 13, 2010, 03:21:33 pm »

i just did :)

ooh... Thank you very much golden girl!!!! ;D ;D ;D  Thank you again!!! ;D ;D
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Offline The Golden Girl =D

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #248 on: June 13, 2010, 03:23:49 pm »
ooh... Thank you very much golden girl!!!! ;D ;D ;D  Thank you again!!! ;D ;D

anytime  8)
Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest(13:28)

Please, Don't forget to Include GG in your Prayers =D

Offline Heart Hacker

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #249 on: June 13, 2010, 06:32:40 pm »
nice jokes in here ..... i ve been lmao  ;D

+rep
 :D
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Offline Vin

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #250 on: June 13, 2010, 08:12:09 pm »
Want some more ?  :P Spread the laughter dude ... :P :P Post some yourself  :P :P

lol I don't want to simply waste time Googling jokes when we have a whole database here. :P Plus, I guess you might have posted the first 20 pages of websites. :P

Offline dodi23

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #251 on: June 13, 2010, 09:09:48 pm »
lord kratos= awsomeness!!!!
+rep
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #252 on: June 14, 2010, 09:23:57 am »
Thanks dodi,heart-hacker and contraentry  ;D ;D

Here's another one....




Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 50 Kg, but varies from 45 Kg to 250 Kg


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES.

1.- Surface usually lined with painted film (in the order of 0-6m to 0-3m).
2.- Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3.- Melts if given special treatment.
4.- Bitter if used incorrectly.
5.- Found in various states ranging from non used metal to common ore.
6.- Yields to pressure applied at the correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES.

1.- Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2.- Absorbs large quantities of expensive substances.
3.- May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no reason.
4.- Insoluble in liquids, but alcohol saturation increases activity.
5.- Most powerful income-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USE.

1.- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
4.- Useful for general cleaning, scrubbing, washing, rubbing, etc.

TEST.

1.- Pure specimen turns pink when discovered in the natural state.
2.- Turns green when placed next to a better specimen.


HAZARDS.

1.- Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2.- Illegal to posses more than one.
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #253 on: June 14, 2010, 09:26:40 am »
 Here's another... :P :P       

Confusing Language - English

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Don't infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? HUMAN???

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #254 on: June 14, 2010, 09:28:30 am »
                                             Manure... :P :P

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's A**, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't" the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
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