Clean jokes thread!!!

[DrEvil]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said.
"Very good," the teacher replied.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'.

That was a fine story, Sarah", said the teacher.
Michael, do you have a story to share?"

Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley.
Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her
Plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was
A bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey
on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the
middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.

"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

“Stay far away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."

[nid404]

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

Bwahaha! lol 

[Alpha]

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

True. 

[DrEvil]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's private parts.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[DrEvil]

BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM




==================================

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

----------------------------------


NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.

He will give you the licen.



For instruktions, see bottom applikason.

*************



1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

*************


2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

*************


3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

*************

5. Shos Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

*************


6.Occupason:

(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_)

Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

*************


7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

*************


8. Read #7 agan & anser here: ___

*************


9. Mather name: _______________________

*************


10. Phather Name: ____________________ (don't leave blank)

*************


11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 .............. (Circle highest grade completed)

*************


12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish- ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

*************


14. Ice seight:


(_) One Ice(2x1) (_) Two Ice(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_)
Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6


*************


15.Your thumb imparesson :



(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)


*************


PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS


Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.


NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.


WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

[DrEvil]

During a recent password audit, it discovered a blonde was using the following password:

Mickey Minnie Pluto Huey Louie Dewey Donald Goofy Sacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.

[DrEvil]

Lawyer's Mind...

One sunny afternoon, a priest, a doctor and a lawyer were stuck behind a particularly slow group of golfers. After three holes, they complained to the greenskeeper.

“Sorry, guys. That’s a group of blind firefighters,” the man explained. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here anytime for free.”

“That’s so sad,” the priest said. “I’ll say a special prayer for them tonight.”

“Good idea,” the doctor agreed. “I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

“I guess,” the lawyer said. “But why can’t they play at night?”

[DrEvil]

One wish each....

Three men stranded on a desert island, just after their luxury yacht sinks.
after a little while, they start foraging for supplies, and one of them finds a lamp, and says "I wonder...".
Anyway, he gives the lamp a rub, and POOMPH, out pops a genie, who says to the trio, "I will grant you one wish each".
so the laziest one goes first, and says "I wish I was at home, tucked up in bed".
The genie claps his hands, and POOMPH, he ends up in his bed.
The second one, being a lover of alcohol in all forms, says "I wish I was back in my local bar, with a busty barmaid serving me".
The genie claps his hands and POOMPH, he gets his wish.
The last man, being the slightly dozy one, says to the genie "I'm feeling lonely....I wish the other two were back here"

[DrEvil]

Wall...

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man in Jerusalem who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. That’d make a good story, she decided.

So she drove to the wall and, sure enough, there was the elderly gent, praying away. She watched him for an hour and, as he turned to leave, approached him for an interview.

“Rebecca Smith, CNN,” she said. “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?”

“Sixty years.”

“Sixty years! Amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for all hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”

“So how do you feel after doing this for so long?”

“Like I’m talking to a bloody wall!”

[DrEvil]

One day, while a blond was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blond started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blond is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blond giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times

[DrEvil]

Participation...

At the airport for a business trip, Bob settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then they heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So Bob and his family picked up their luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told everyone that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, they gathered their carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as they were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.



Hatred...

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

[Alpha]

BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM




==================================

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

----------------------------------


NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.

He will give you the licen.



For instruktions, see bottom applikason.

*************



1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

*************


2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

*************


3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

*************

5. Shos Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

*************


6.Occupason:

(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_)

Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

*************


7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

*************


8. Read #7 agan & anser here: ___

*************


9. Mather name: _______________________

*************


10. Phather Name: ____________________ (don't leave blank)

*************


11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 .............. (Circle highest grade completed)

*************


12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish- ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

*************


14. Ice seight:


(_) One Ice(2x1) (_) Two Ice(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_)
Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6


*************


15.Your thumb imparesson :



(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)


*************


PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS


Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.


NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.


WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

Please, show this to all those people here who crush English and make them pay a tax. 

[nid404]

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
 Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that jerk Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[nid404]

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one!" - Winston Churchill, in response.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, " on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." – Stephen Bishop

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing  trivial." – Irvin S. Cobb

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________


"Some  cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." – Oscar Wilde

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[DrEvil]

A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains
are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she
decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with
a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father
looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"dammit Ginger, get away from her before she
shits all over you!