Author Topic: Clean jokes thread!!!  (Read 142488 times)

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #570 on: July 26, 2010, 08:28:30 am »
Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "This check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
« Last Edit: July 26, 2010, 08:31:05 am by DrEvil »


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #571 on: July 26, 2010, 12:14:29 pm »
A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having
difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local
schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had
been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.

Suddenly, it occurred to her that she hadn't noticed a
W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet),
so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.

The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish
priest and together they decided that it must mean
"Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:

Dear Madame,

It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C.
just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of
pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on
Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation
if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no
doubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their
lunches and make a day of it.

I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there
is an Organ accompaniment. The accoustics in the W.C.
are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.

My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush
for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The
looks on their faces were very interesting.

My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn't go regularly,
and she hasn't gone for nearly a year.

I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you,
where you will be seen and heard by everyone.

Hoping I have been of some assistance.

Sincerely yours,

The Schoolmaster


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #572 on: July 26, 2010, 04:11:38 pm »
Nice drevil!! :D -rep!! :P :P
If you don't like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk

Offline Kim

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #573 on: July 26, 2010, 06:22:15 pm »
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class." ;D ;D
After all is said and done, more is said than done.

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Offline Kim

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #574 on: July 26, 2010, 06:24:25 pm »
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about morality and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
After all is said and done, more is said than done.

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Offline iluvme

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #575 on: July 26, 2010, 06:26:57 pm »
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about morality and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

+ rep
I believe in killing the messenger. Know why? It sends  message.
~Damon Salvatore~

Offline Kim

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #576 on: July 26, 2010, 06:29:04 pm »
After all is said and done, more is said than done.

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #577 on: July 26, 2010, 06:47:59 pm »
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class." ;D ;D

Lol.
If you don't like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk

Offline Heart Hacker

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #578 on: July 27, 2010, 11:47:52 am »
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class." ;D ;D

lol ..always happens....one announcement and the class is empty within a second  :D
Hope for the Best .....Expect the Worst ;)

Thank Allah for everything :)

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #579 on: July 27, 2010, 12:00:34 pm »
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.


Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands
before the fight begins!


Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.


Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding ?
To tell each other affectionately. ..
Sweetheart U R Dead!


There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #580 on: July 27, 2010, 12:10:51 pm »
Titanic song remake for Orkut

Every time in my orkut
I see you. I scrap you.
That is how I know you
go on...

Far across the Scrap Book
And testimonials between us
You have come to show you. Go on..

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the friends list does go on
Once more you logged on
And you're here in my scrap book
And my scrap book will go on and on

Testimonials can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're friends

Love was when I saw your friends list
One true time I held on her 'about me',
In my life I'll surely view her/his profile

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the friends list does go on
There is some amazing profile that will not
go away

You're here, there's so much to fear,
And I know that my friend will know I checked her/him out

We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my friends list
And my friends list will go on and on..


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #581 on: July 27, 2010, 12:13:50 pm »
Readers discretion is advised!



Types of Farts!  :D

ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.

ASSAULT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its
great escape.

GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.

HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the
person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #582 on: July 27, 2010, 12:21:09 pm »
OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline Heart Hacker

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #583 on: July 27, 2010, 01:06:42 pm »
ROFL !! nice +rep !!  :D
Hope for the Best .....Expect the Worst ;)

Thank Allah for everything :)

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #584 on: July 28, 2010, 08:59:19 am »
The Robbery

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.' Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”