Clean jokes thread!!!

[DrEvil]

A man was praying to god.

He said, " God ?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to y ou?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, " God can I have a penny ?"

And God cheerfully said,

"Sure!.......just a second ."

[DrEvil]

Readers discretion is advised!


Three women eating ice-cream
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies

"No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[DrEvil]

Robot Trouble

One day Raju's dad bought a robot, The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Raju returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?". Raju answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".

Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Raju on his face. His dad told him son that his robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, "Why are you late?" "Dad I went for a movie", "Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", Splatt Raju got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen." Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things." Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing all this, Raju's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you!", to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Raju's mothers face."

[DrEvil]

Once president BUSH went to a school. After have a brief talk

with the children he asked them if they had any questions to ask

him.One boy raised his hand and stood up.

Bush: what's your name

John: john

Bush: what's your question

John: sir I have three questions


1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO

2) where is osama

3) why do America support Pakistan so much



Bush: you are an intelligent student john. ( just then the bell for
recess rang).

oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over.


After the recess

Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any
question?

Peter raises his hand

Bush :What's your name?

Peter : sir I have 5 questions.

1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO

2) where is osama

3) why do America support Pakistan so much

4) why did recess bell rang 20 mins before the scheduled time

5) where is JOHN?

[DrEvil]

Daughter-in-Law

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.

The new wife, was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

As expected she gave a speech, "My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. "No, I will never do that, never in a million years.

" "What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.

What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws) Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.

Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.

Those who cooked should not stop at my account, and those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!

"And what are you here for?" enquired the mother-in-law.

"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST FOR YOUR SON !!"

[DrEvil]

Double Promotion


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one Of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is In the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals Office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to The principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks He would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his Questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, And he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd Grader should know. The principal looks at Ms.Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry Can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some Questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only Two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not Have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide, and before he could Stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does Sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that Means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself"

[Heart Hacker]

post 1 joke at a time 

[Master_Key]

did every1 read?

[maybeitwastheneighbors]

Double Promotion


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one Of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is In the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals Office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to The principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks He would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his Questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, And he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd Grader should know. The principal looks at Ms.Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry Can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some Questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only Two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not Have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide, and before he could Stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does Sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that Means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself"

WELL DAMN!

[The Golden Girl =D]

did every1 read?

I did , but tbh i didn't like them much ..srry.

[Lana Wolf]

hahahaa... seriously +rep for the song...

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

The principal isn't smarter than a fifth-grader.

[Arthur Bon Zavi]

hahahaa... seriously +rep for the song...

Seriously???

[Kim]

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

[DrEvil]

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa." Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000." This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep.