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Author Topic: Clean jokes thread!!!  (Read 153682 times)

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #555 on: July 25, 2010, 11:19:40 am »
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
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Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #556 on: July 25, 2010, 11:24:05 am »
Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

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“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

nid404

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #557 on: July 25, 2010, 11:27:14 am »
LOL!  :D + rep but I have to first spread the love :P
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Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #558 on: July 25, 2010, 11:33:10 am »
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."



TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!



TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!



TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!



TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!



TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!



SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.



TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.



TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."



Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?



Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.



At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute
5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. "I musta
got 'em from my Daddy," said the little girl, "'cause Mommy's still got hers."



Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline Kim

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #559 on: July 25, 2010, 01:28:44 pm »
hahahahhahha
good one drevil!!!! ;D ;D
+rep
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The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Offline Kim

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #560 on: July 25, 2010, 01:29:25 pm »
okay maybe not i have to +rep sum1 else b4 i can do it to u again ;D :P :P
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After all is said and done, more is said than done.

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Offline Kim

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #561 on: July 25, 2010, 01:34:44 pm »
my bro emailed me thsi although i didnt find it that funny everyone in my family were laughin like crazy after reading it ::) ::)


Dear Dad


Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son

The next day, the son gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son
 
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too!

love ur dad
 ;D ;D
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After all is said and done, more is said than done.

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #562 on: July 25, 2010, 04:19:35 pm »
This place is alive!!
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Offline The Golden Girl =D

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #563 on: July 25, 2010, 04:53:54 pm »
Hahahaaha .. u guys made my day :D :D D:
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #564 on: July 25, 2010, 06:33:01 pm »
Nid and Drevil took over?
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nid404

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #565 on: July 25, 2010, 06:35:22 pm »
Quote from: Kheper on July 25, 2010, 06:33:01 pm
Nid and Drevil took over?

only during your absence...now it's all yours  :D
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #566 on: July 25, 2010, 06:38:37 pm »
Quote from: ~Ahana~ on July 25, 2010, 06:35:22 pm
only during your absence...now it's all yours  :D

Nope. You two are doing pretty good job.. ::) It's all yours now.. ::)
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nid404

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #567 on: July 25, 2010, 06:40:55 pm »
Quote from: Kheper on July 25, 2010, 06:38:37 pm
Nope. You two are doing pretty good job.. ::) It's all yours now.. ::)

It's yours. Period.  ::)
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #568 on: July 25, 2010, 06:42:39 pm »
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Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #569 on: July 26, 2010, 08:04:41 am »
In a poor zoo of Pakistan, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.
One day the lion thought it's prayers were answered when a US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to a US zoo.
The lion was pleased and started thinking of a central A/C environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card.
On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely, for breakfast. It opened the bag quickly but was shocked to see that it contained only a few bananas.
Controlling its anger, the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from Pakistan. The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.
Now the lion was furious. It stopped the delivery boy and blasted him, "Don't you know, I am the lion...King of the Jungle....What' s wrong with your management? What nonsense is this ? Why are you delivering bananas to me?"
The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle but....do you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa !!!
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