JOKES AND Riddles!!

[guMnam]

Here's another This one is as funny as hell

But its only for those who are 13 and above All the kiddies get out of here!!!

                                    Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

“What's that?” he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said “Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. “Here,” she said, “you must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the hell did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for bees first!”

hahahahahaha lol....lol

[guMnam]

MUAHAHAHAAA

A woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?" "No," the woman responds, surprised. "One is 7, the other is 9. Do they look alike?" The shopkeeper shrugs his shoulders and says "No, I just can't believe someone like you got laid twice!"

lol

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

What did the Policeman say to the stomach?
You're under a vest



What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
































































Money.

What were U thinking?

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains!!

Pull yourself together, man!


What does a fish pick it's nose with?
- Fish Fingers.


What's the last thing to enter a fly's head before it hits the windscreen?
- It's A**.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                             THE 5 QUESTIONS MOST FEARED BY MEN


The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

 He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

 "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

[holtadit]

@Lord Kratos  I am sorry but I have to delete your joke. It is way too perverted.

[dodi23]

lord kratooooos
u r seriously the joke master,,thts ur new nickname!!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

@Lord Kratos  I am sorry but I have to delete your joke. It is way too perverted.

oops, sorry dude. The joke was listed as a +15 joke, so I thought it would be safe to post it.
Sorry, won't happen again.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Here's another.

Last time, I had posted the piss joke, this time its the poo joke I hope its not perverted.

                                                  Poo


The Ghost Poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.

The Clean poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.

The Wet Poo:
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Wet Cheeks Poo:
That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.

The Second Wave Poo:
This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.

The Brain Haemorrage-through-your-nose Poo:
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Lincoln Log Log-
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.


The Power Dump Poo:
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.

The Liquid Plumber Poo:
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.

The Spinal Tap Poo:
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo:
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.

The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo:
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo:
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

[Kim]

hahahaha
it made me laugh and think ewwwwwwww at the same time

[theone]

haha lol
funny i liked these a lot

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Good to see girls back on this thread. I thought u all had run away. Don't know why.

[thenewkid™]

Here's another.

Last time, I had posted the piss joke, this time its the poo joke I hope its not perverted.

                                                  Poo


The Ghost Poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.

The Clean poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.

The Wet Poo:
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Wet Cheeks Poo:
That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.

The Second Wave Poo:
This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.

The Brain Haemorrage-through-your-nose Poo:
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Lincoln Log Log-
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.


The Power Dump Poo:
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.

The Liquid Plumber Poo:
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.

The Spinal Tap Poo:
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo:
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.

The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo:
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo:
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

dude ur like lord of the jokes

[WARRIOR]

hahaha lord (l)