JOKES AND Riddles!!

[guMnam]

ANother one guys!!!! 8)Am I cool or what?


Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

 There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

lol....i hav a q...seriously were do u get these frm

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

MUAAHAAAHAAAHAAA


A little girl asked her dad if she can take the dog out for a walk.
Her dad said no because the dog was in heat!The girl said please,then her dad said yes and poured gas on the dogs.
 But when the little girl comes back,she asked if she could take the dog for a walk again,and her dad said yes and put more gas on the dogs.
 But when the little girl comes back this time,she didn't have the dog,and her dad asked were the dog was and the little girl said the dog ran out of gas and another dog is pushing it home.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Another


What should u never do to a blind guy ?
Punch them in the face and say bet ya never saw that coming.

And what should u never do to a guy that's got no legs and is on a wheel chair ?
Attach a bomb to the wheel chair and tell them to run.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                              NEVER TRUST A WOMAN!!!!

A man and a woman, best friends for ages are sitting in a bar, the woman, (rather hastily) asks the man to marry her, the man (also rather hastily) sais yes, but the woman, very pleased to be engaged suddenly turns serious and says, "i will only marry you if you do not look in the top drawer of my bedside cabinet, the man, (rather confuzzled) agrees to it as they are just married and it won't be anything bad.

70 years later the man, on his death bed, asks the woman "as we have been married for a while now and i am nearing the end of my life, can I look in your top drawer?"

 The woman surprisingly to the man, answers yes, so the man opens the top drawer and finds 3 eggs and a million dollars, the man first asks what the eggs are for, the woman replies "Everytime I have been bad or lied to you I put an egg in the drawer", the man rather happy that she's only been disfaithful 3 times then asks, what is the million dollars all about then, the woman with a small grin on her face says, "Everytime I got half a dozen eggs I sold them"!!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

A man was in jail for 35 years. While in jail he finds an ant and tells himself this is going to be the best well trained ant to ever live.

 He teaches it to do tricks over the years, and many other amazing feats. He finally gets out of jail and walks into a bar. He places the ant on the counter as he calls the bartender over. He points at the ant as the bartender leans down to look. The bartender frowns as he balls up his fist and slams it down on the ant as he says "yeah, damn things are everywhere"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Adam was feeling lonely in the Garden of Eden, and so God said:"I can create a woman for you." "What's that?" asked Adam.

 "Oh, it's something really nice", God replied. "Lovely to look at, gentle, kind, sex whenever you want it, never has a headache..."

"Sounds great", said Adam, "but I bet it doesn't come cheap. What'll it cost me?" "An arm and a leg", God replied. Adam thought about it for a minute, then asked: "What can I have for a rib?" The rest is history...

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Two KGB agents are taking a walk in a Moscow suburb. One says to the other "You know Dimitri, I have had training to make anyone, and I mean anyone talk through the power of the mind" "Really? Prove it" Replies Pavel Dimitri pointed to a long queue of people outside a Bakers shop.

 "See that queue. I can make the owner come out and tell them that he has sold out. Watch" Dimitri closed his eyes and concentrated on the shop. Sure enough after one minute the owner popped out and announced that he had completely sold out. The queue dispersed, but the people complaimned loudly that there was clearly plenty of bread for sale.

Both agents walked on. "Hmm, impressive but I am still not convinced" said Pavel. The two continued until they reached a miserable part of the city. "See that apartment block?" Said Dimitri. "Well, just watch, I can make the owner of that one on the fifth floor throw out his TV" "Go ahead" Said Pavel. So Dimitri closed his eyes concentrated on the apartment.

After two minutes nothing had happened. "Ha! What rubbish" said Pavel. Dimitri raised his hands skywards as if to invoke a deity. Five more minutes passed. "Oh come on lets go. This just proves it's all rubbish" insisted Pavel "One last try" Said Dimitri, and he screwed up his face and concentrated with all his might. After two minutes a man ran to the fifth floor balcony screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I DON'T HAVE A TV!!!!!!!!!".

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Three Texan surgeons playing a round of golf.
 As they're walking down the fairway, they strike up a conversation and the first surgeon says, " I reckon I'm the best surgeon in the world".

 The other two enquire why and the first surgeon says, "I had a patient brought to me recently who had lost both his hands in an industrial accident. I sewed them back on and today that man has an audience to play the piano for Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth".
 
The second surgeon scoffs at this and says,"that's nothing. Why I had a patient who lost both his arms in an automobile accident and I sewed them back on. At the last Olympic Games that man won a Gold Medal in the Field events".

The third surgeon says, "that's nothing. Several years ago a cowboy, high on alcohol and drugs, was riding his horse down a railroad track and collided with an oncoming express train. All I had to work with was the horse's arse and a cowboy hat. Today that man is the EX-President of the USA.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

MUAHAHAHAAA

A woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?" "No," the woman responds, surprised. "One is 7, the other is 9. Do they look alike?" The shopkeeper shrugs his shoulders and says "No, I just can't believe someone like you got laid twice!"

[6394]

buaahhahahaha


lmfao
*tears in my eyes*
mr joke master!!!

[mohit1234]

Hey Lord Kratos
awesome jokes!!
hahahaha
anyways i hve some good jokes on my site also
if u want ill pm them 2 u
keep up the great work!!

[SGVaibhav]

i want someone to make a new thread, which only has jokes and no comments.
A polished jokes thread

[immortal]

A cricket Joke!
 
No wides
Later on in the same match a lot of wides were being bowled, but it was obvious that the umpire didn't know that anything was wrong.
After a particularly wide delivery, the exasperated batsman said, 'Surely that was a wide!'
The umpire nodded sagely. 'Arr,' he said, 'I don t think I ever saw one wider!'

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Here's another This one is as funny as hell

But its only for those who are 13 and above All the kiddies get out of here!!!

                                    Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

“What's that?” he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said “Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. “Here,” she said, “you must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the hell did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for bees first!”

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

another one- but its gay!!


Three men have horrible habits they need to quit. One day they find a lamp and the genie inside tells them that he will do them a favor. He curses them so that the next time they indulge in their habits they will die.

The first man was an alcoholic, the next was a smoker and the third was a homosexual. The first week the alcoholic can't take it anymore and he walks into a bar for a whiskey sour. He drops dead on the spot.

 The smoker and the homosexual were walking together on the street when someone drops a smoldering cigarette. The smoker considers it carefully. The gay guy turns and says, "Man, if you bend over to pick that up we are both dead!"