Author Topic: JOKES AND Riddles!!  (Read 326002 times)

Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4830 on: May 29, 2010, 12:48:26 pm »
Thanks Vin,  ;D Here's another one ;)


Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."

"I know the feeling," the other says.

"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."  :P
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4831 on: May 29, 2010, 12:50:55 pm »
Another ;)


An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"

"Ma'am," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap when you hear the price!"
« Last Edit: May 29, 2010, 01:28:43 pm by Lord Kratos »
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4832 on: May 29, 2010, 12:52:32 pm »
Wooo...... ::)


A traveling salesman's car breaks down in the country, so he decides to call on the closest farmhouse.

When the farmer opens the door, the salesman says, "Sir, my car died just up the road. Could I stay here for tonight?"

The farmer says, "Sure, but I have a very handsome son and you'll have to promise not to sleep with him."

"Excuse me," says the salesman, "but I think I'm in the wrong joke."
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4833 on: May 29, 2010, 12:55:54 pm »
                                LITTLE JOHNNY TELLS A STORY :P

Little Johnny sees his father's car passing the playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane "hugging" in the parked vehicle.

Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,

"I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane.  I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..."

At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story.  Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

"...then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army."
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4834 on: May 29, 2010, 01:01:34 pm »
Little johnny again :P



One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chicks before they're hatched."

Last is Little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Little Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny replies, "Don't screw with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!!!."
« Last Edit: May 29, 2010, 01:27:31 pm by Lord Kratos »
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4835 on: May 29, 2010, 01:07:33 pm »
A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband's friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband's in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I'll give it to you if you'll open your bathrobe for me."

She's offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I'll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts."

Now she's really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That jerk owes me 800 bucks!"

 ::) ::) ::) :P :P
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4836 on: May 29, 2010, 01:09:03 pm »
Here's another ;D, no offence to anyone...


A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls, and I had sex with each one three times."

The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession, my son?"

The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."

"So why are you telling me this?" asks the priest.

The man says, "I'm telling everybody!"
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Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4837 on: May 29, 2010, 01:25:50 pm »
No offence to anyone especially girls.......I posted it just for fun..... ;)

 A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"

"Beertits," the man replied.
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Offline immortal

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4838 on: May 29, 2010, 07:03:49 pm »

U'll get it once u paid up ur doctor consultant fees.. :P :P
« Last Edit: May 30, 2010, 10:46:51 am by Ari Ben Canaan »
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Offline Kim

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4839 on: May 29, 2010, 07:06:18 pm »
No offence to anyone especially girls.......I posted it just for fun..... ;)

 A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"

"Beertits," the man replied.

lol funny
After all is said and done, more is said than done.

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4840 on: May 30, 2010, 05:09:44 am »
U'll get it once u paid up ur doctor consultant fees.. :P :P

Take a hike :P

Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4841 on: May 30, 2010, 05:15:06 am »


It's hard to keep on searching and posting jokes Ari,......Don't take them for granted .. >:(...Try searching and posting some... >:( It aint easy >:(.......







Muaaahaahaaa... I bet ur facial expression changed after reading that ::) :P  So did u have ur laugh? ::) :P Muaaahaahaaa.... Heck, I'll even post a joke with ur name on it... ::) >:D >:D
Nobody messes with Lord Kratos >:D >:D...
« Last Edit: May 30, 2010, 10:47:09 am by Ari Ben Canaan »
If you don't like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk

Offline I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4842 on: May 30, 2010, 05:20:24 am »
I know u r here Ari... ::) :P
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Offline immortal

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4843 on: May 30, 2010, 09:11:31 am »
Take a hike :P
I will,wit da consultant fee u owe me..u dont hve 2 worry abt paying Lord Kratos, because hez a cheap A** government doctor :P :P
Life is short...so live it to da fullest :)

Offline immortal

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Re: JOKES AND Riddles!!
« Reply #4844 on: May 30, 2010, 09:14:26 am »
Nobody messes with Lord Kratos >:D >:D...

"Nobody" if u wanna piece of kratos, u'll hve 2 go throu me first..HAHAHA.. :P
Life is short...so live it to da fullest :)