JOKES AND Riddles!!

[Nobody]

The student - "how many children do you have , Madam?"

The teacher - "I have two daughters both are girls."

[Nobody]

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar,
jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor,
the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and
he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

[guMnam]

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"


 

[guMnam]

here is another....
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
 
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
 
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[immortal]

The student - "how many children do you have , Madam?"

The teacher - "I have two daughters both are girls."

Today i fell of da road & i started bleeding blood...LOL

[Nobody]

Today i fell of da road & i started bleeding blood...LOL

you started bleeding blood!
You mean that red fluid?! oh!...

[immortal]

you started bleeding blood!
You mean that red fluid?! oh!...

Ya ,da 1 wit mint flavor

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Mint flavor huh?
But I like blood which tastes like chocolate!!!
Vampires............................

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                           Funny marriage/ love quotes 

# "It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week"

# "Women are cursed, and men are the proof."

# "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."

# "The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish   to be dead."

# "I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

This thread has been empty almost for a day or two. So I'll post some 

                                  Sunday School Lesson

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your A**!"

... the teacher fainted!

This joke is not dirty!!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                  Why I Fired My Secretary


This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

     Alright , another on the way

                20 Fun Things To Do On An Elevator While Bored


Next time you're on an elevator and feel alittle bored, liven up the moment with some of these insightful ideas. Guaranteed to make heads turn or your money back.

   1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

   2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

   3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

   4. Swat at flies that don't exist.

   5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

   6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

   7. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

   8. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.

   9. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

  10. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

  11. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

  12. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

  13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

  14. Fart loudly then exclaim "Was that you. There's no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don't come out loud."

  15. Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."

  16. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

  17. Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.

  18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"

  19. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

  20. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.


  How do u like that?

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

I'm sick......... I need a surgery I guess

Things you DON'T want to hear during a surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle.

This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, this patient signed the organ donation card,right ?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

and the number one thing I don't want the doctor to say during my surgery
    Oops!!!!

[Monica]

    Alright , another on the way

                20 Fun Things To Do On An Elevator While Bored


Next time you're on an elevator and feel alittle bored, liven up the moment with some of these insightful ideas. Guaranteed to make heads turn or your money back.

   1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

   2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

   3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

   4. Swat at flies that don't exist.

   5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

   6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

   7. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

   8. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.

   9. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

  10. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

  11. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

  12. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

  13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

  14. Fart loudly then exclaim "Was that you. There's no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don't come out loud."

  15. Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."

  16. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

  17. Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.

  18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"

  19. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

  20. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.


  How do u like that?

Silly.  

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

thank u