JOKES AND Riddles!!

[immortal]

I don't have time to do that! you are too weak to fight with Nobody!
and immortal, i'll crush both of you!

No mortal can defeat me ..& thou shall not speak of it again

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Alright another joke!!!! Dirty!!!


A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Another


The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[dodi23]

loool @ lord kratos...never get bored of posting jokes

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Another joke but its in a poem


You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile

Lol!!!! Just kidding!!! But jokes help in smiling don't they?

A young boy walks into a brothel holding a dead frog. He asks the lady at the front desk "Where is your nastiest most diseased wh***?" She points down the hall to the last door on the right, then asks "Why do you wanna screw her and what's with the frog?" So the boy says "I am going to screw the wh*** then I am going to screw my babysitter who will then screw my father who will screw my mother who screws the mailman who will screw our maid; and that's the B**** who ran over my frog!"

[dodi23]

Alright another joke!!!! Dirty!!!


A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

LMAOOO.....

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

loool @ lord kratos...never get bored of posting jokes

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

Nooo, dodi, I already posted this joke . Now, I shall sue You for $10 million for copyright infringement!!!!! (joking )
Be ready or prepare the mony by tonight!!!!!
Hope u get the money ready by toda

[dodi23]

loool no im broke!!!!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

what is the cows fav music







Moousic

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Another one but bad!!! Well not so bad....


A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they'll go for a long ride after that.
Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap, which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends house.

Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up everything.

Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes and has take her in front of everyone.

Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word.
After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and father are infuriated. But still nobody speaks.

A little more time passes and the boy hears a clap of thunder and remembers his bike and whips out the vaseline and gets up when the father screams ,"OH NO. I' LL DO THE DISHES"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Another Am I cool or what?



There is an Englishman, American, and an Australian. All 3 are dared to stay in a haunted house for 1 night. So the American walks in and hears this voice: I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna eat ya! The American ran out of the house screaming and died of a panic attack. The Australian walks in and hears the same voice: I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna eat ya! The Australian jumps out of the window and dies. The Englishman walks in and hears the same voice: I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna eat ya! The Englishman realises the voice is coming from a closed cupboard. So he walks over and opens the cupboard. Sitting there is a monkey picking his nose saying: I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna eat ya!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

I'm bored.... I miss someone.... tell me a joke....

If not then I'll tell myself one!!!!


1.A female teacher in a school said to the 10 yrs student , "if you Answer the question , I'll kiss you" He said " would you sleep with me if i do the homework ? "

2.why does a blond turn the care upside down ?
to figure out if it is female or male.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Another one 


A couple is lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary. The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.

Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her buttocks, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.

She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"

He cleared his throat, looked at her and said "Found the remote."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

No offence to anyone, especially girls.... It's a good one


Thre are 3 blondes stranded on an island.A genie comes and grants them a wish each.The first blond asks to be smart.She turns into a brunette and she swims off.The second blonde asks to be even smarter so he turns her into a ginger haired person and she builds a boat and sails away.The third blonde asks to be even smarter,so the genie turns her into a man and he walks over the bridge!!!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Its a joke containing rude words so I'm gonna BLEEEEEEEEEEP it!!!!

A guy walks into a disco at a friend's house when he notices an armless and legless woman sitting in a corner. Feeling sorry for her, he walks up to her and says:

"Hi, I was just wondering, have you ever been kissed before?"

The woman replies, "No...", so the gentleman kisses her.

Then he asks, "Have you ever been felt up before?"

The woman smiles and once again replies, "No...", so, of course, the guy feels her up.

Suddenly the strange man asks, "Have you ever been f**ked before?"

Surprised but some-what excited at what is yet to come, the lady replies, "No..."

So, the guy picks her up, takes her outside, throws her in the pool and says, "Now you're f**ked!"