JOKES AND Riddles!!

[WARRIOR]

                                       DRUNKEN  REINCARNATION

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn't wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you," demanded James, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered "This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter".

James didn't take the news so well... "You mean I'm dead! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't even said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back right away!"

St. Peter replied "You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" repliesJames , "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "haven't you ever laid an egg before?"

"Never" replies James.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout "James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed!" 

disgusting btu nice 1

[ksitna]

hahaha nice 1 remiinds me of this egyptian one


an egyptian man fell down in a very deep hole..so they  threw him a rope..he came back up as a dead man...

( he tied the rop on this neck ) hehe

loll haha
thank u 

[ksitna]

 An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
       "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal onversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
       So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
       "Honey, what's for supper?"
       No response.
       So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
       No response.
       So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
       No response.
       On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".
       No response.
       So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
       "For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Nice ksitna!!!!
poor old guy

[nid404]

hahahaha! nice one! 

[ksitna]

hehe thanks

i felt sorry for him too

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.

”"Yes I do!”"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.

”"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.

”"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.

”"Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”
"Well, then I pick up some of the sh*t that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out ofthe cage.”

"Well, what if there ain’t no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”

"Well, that’s dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.”

[ksitna]

nice one kratos

[nid404]

lmao!! 

[ksitna]

Wrong Color Suit
       An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
       The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
       The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
       When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
       "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
       Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
       "After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."

[ksitna]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
       The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
       The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[nid404]

LOL

nice ones

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

thanks ksitna and nid!!!

ksitna, both jokes were freakin awesome!!!!

[ksitna]

Thank youuu

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                         COBRA AND THE FRIENDS AND..........

Two best friends are lost in the rain forest trying to find away out when one of them is attacked by a cobra that attacks the “stuff” of the victim. The other despaired, calls the doctor using his sat phone.

-doctor! my friend has just been stung by a snake, what should I do, he is dying!
- take it easy says the doctor, you just have to suck out the area that has been stung.!

so the guys closes the flip of his cell phone when the other victimized asks: what did he say?
-he said that you are dead