JOKES AND Riddles!!

[Kim]

Child Psychology

A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."

After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.

"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."

 
Beauty

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother covered her face in cold cream. "Why do you do that?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful."

When she began to rub it off, the boy asked, "Why are you doing that? Did you give up?"

[Kim]

Teacher:  Jesse, why do you always get so dirty.
Jesse:  Well, you see, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher:  Glen, what is the chemical formula for water?
Glen:  H I J K L M N O
Teacher:  Where did you get that?
Glen:  Yesterday you told us it was H to O.

Teacher:  Barry, your essay about your dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Barry:  Ma'am. It's the same dog.

Teacher:  Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald:  K R O K O D I A L
Teacher:  No, that's wrong.
Donald:  Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher:  Name one important thing that we have today which we didn't have ten years ago.
Wendy:  Me!

Teacher:  George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, but then admitted it. Does anyone know why his father didn't punish him?
Brian:  Because he still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher:  Danny, do you say a prayer before eating?
Danny:  No, ma'am. I don't have to. My mother is a good cook.

Teacher:  Jake, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Jake:  A teacher.

[ksitna]

  good ones

hehe ur welcome nobody

got another one cumin ur way!!!


What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

[ksitna]

i like this one too
though u may have heard it before


A mental hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

[haris94]

looool nice jokes everybody 

perfect thread to reduce the tension of exams

[ksitna]

looool nice jokes everybody 

perfect thread to reduce the tension of exams

i know right?

[Baladya]

i know right?

15 min on this topic daily makes me feel better

15 mins a day, keeps the doctor away xD 

[haris94]

15 min on this topic daily makes me feel better

15 mins a day, keeps the doctor away xD 

haha.....there's no denying that 

[Monica]

Hey nid, ur not gonna be like that when Mony or Astar comes and kicks me   HEHEHHEHE  Am i the only one not feeling safe !! xD 

hahahahaha...our sig is so funny.!

Astar is really nice! He is so funny and friendly. Treats everyone in the best way ever.

Doesn't matter if you are an admi, mod or a member. We all work together as a team to make this forum a better place. =]

[WARRIOR]

i like this one too
though u may have heard it before


A mental hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

hahaha nice 1 remiinds me of this egyptian one


an egyptian man fell down in a very deep hole..so they  threw him a rope..he came back up as a dead man...

( he tied the rop on this neck ) hehe

[Baladya]

This is only for Bob Marley fans, other lamers who don't listen to him, don't read... (jk ofc xD   U just might not get some )

Q. Why did they have so much trouble burying Bob Marley?
A. His coffin kept jammin'

Q: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
A: Wi' jam in! ('We jammin')

What did Bob Marley say when his wife left him and took the TV?
No Woman No Sky.


What did Bob Marley say when his wife left him and took the oven?
No Woman, No Pie

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                   FLAT ....... WOMAN !!!!

A woman has a really flat chest so she's very sad about her flat chest...

As she was weeping alone at night,a fairy god mother comes and says what's the matter, why r u crying my child  n she says my chest is too flat then the fairy says ok.I'll help u.Every time a man says pardon to u,ur breasts will grow an inch . Later she's  walking down the street n a man runs into her n said o pardon me n her boobs grow an inch.
 The women is very pleased. Later on that day the same thing happened twice!! . That night she went to a restaurant n the waiter spilled some wine on her dress and the waiter says o 1000 pardons madam!!!!
 

[Baladya]

                                   FLAT ....... WOMAN !!!!

A woman has a really flat chest so she's very sad about her flat chest...

As she was weeping alone at night,a fairy god mother comes and says what's the matter, why r u crying my child  n she says my chest is too flat then the fairy says ok.I'll help u.Every time a man says pardon to u,ur breasts will grow an inch . Later she's  walking down the street n a man runs into her n said o pardon me n her boobs grow an inch.
 The women is very pleased. Later on that day the same thing happened twice!! . That night she went to a restaurant n the waiter spilled some wine on her dress and the waiter says o 1000 pardons madam!!!!
 

MUAHAHAHAHHAH xD 

Dude u gotta stop these jokes xD Awesome but wrong place   

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                       DRUNKEN  REINCARNATION

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn't wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you," demanded James, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered "This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter".

James didn't take the news so well... "You mean I'm dead! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't even said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back right away!"

St. Peter replied "You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" repliesJames , "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "haven't you ever laid an egg before?"

"Never" replies James.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout "James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed!" 

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

thanks baladya , I like the way the admin kicks the user in ur sig!!!
Such a powerful kick , I can only pray for the old granny that her brain didnot get squashed!!!!

and I can only hope that the admins in this forum dont have a badass kick like that!!!!