Clean jokes thread!!!

[Saladin]

A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'

'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'

A very nice and most importantly no innuendos!

[Freaked12]

The Lawyer (Saurus mendicatus) is an omnipresent species of parasite known only to feast upon the vitality of human beings, and, alternatively, governments or corporations. Its long, fattened evolutionary history has produced in the Lawyer a propensity for an unsavory activity called litigation. Much as regular people rely upon a twisted few to collect bovine sperm samples, most human beings are so understandably averse to litigation as to leave the Lawyer with a lucrative monopoly with his hand up Justice's A**.

[Freaked12]

Barney is paedophile ?  

[Freaked12]

A Paris Hilton is an example of what scientists have long theorised would occur once a certain density of Pop Trash was achieved whilst mixing DNA with a peanut, an octopus and a bottle of Ambre Solare. Add the eye of Quasimodo, and the feet of Minnie Mouse into the mix, and hey presto! you've got Paris.
It is known more specifically as an Anti-Cultural Peanut Singularity and occurs as a result of a super massive cloud of Mass Marketed Crap colliding with an equally large cloud of Talentless Orange Bimbo and a peanut's DNA. Some of it's best-known characteristics include the bizarre feeling of having to film every sexual encounter it has, the absolute audacity to even try and co-exist in a human-dominated society as an equal, and the belief that it is morbidly obese and insists on starving itself so much it can disguise itself as a piece of bamboo and subsequently be eaten by a panda. The situation in the Los Angeles area is thought to be an ideal breading group for such a phenomenon. If there is significant total mass, the combined gravitational pull will create an Anti-Cultural Singularity; A cultural and intellectual vacuum from which no worthwhile thought can possibly escape. People are warned that if they encounter or are in a relationship/friendship with a "Paris Hilton", be advised that they cannot act, sing, dance, present, judge or multi-task, yet are very good in "acting" in sex tapes and doing the horizontal "dance" and using her oral skills to impress.

[Freaked12]

This is called science the fun way

[maybeitwastheneighbors]

NO!! NOT QUASIMODO'S EYYEE!! WHY U INSIG-------------*bleep*-------*hilton-badmouthing*------------------!!!!!
*sighs*
good god

[Freaked12]

If Women Didn't exist...All The Money In The World Would Have No purpose or meaning

[Freaked12]

Boy: Hey do you wanna go out with me??
Girl: I'm sorry but i see you like a brother
Boy: Well I didn't want to go out with you anyway it was a dare.

[Heart Hacker]

Boy: Hey do you wanna go out with me??
Girl: I'm sorry but i see you like a brother
Boy: Well I didn't want to go out with you anyway it was a dare.

i dnt knw whether to laugh or feel pity for them 

[Freaked12]

I wish i cud turn back time... grow up faster.. n f**k wid life before it started f**king wid me.

[Freaked12]

If I seem to have somehow shown dat i give a sh*t, then i'd like to dispel dat impression. My belief is lifes too short to *censored* up the good parts, bt my conscience wont allow it

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Bill Gates in Hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all?
Satan: That's what everyone thinks!

Lucifer: What about the PC?
Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!

Lucifer: Which three?
Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellowish -brown colored substance. "This", he explained, "is stool. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

[Freaked12]

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellowish -brown colored substance. "This", he explained, "is stool. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

Funny .

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Funny .

Dirty mind always finds a way ...