Clean jokes thread!!!

[elemis]

@lily  nice one. LMAO !!!

[Heart Hacker]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey...

[Heart Hacker]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.

He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"

"You'll see", says his dad.

They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating a***hole!!", she screams.

[Heart Hacker]

Girl:What if a boy hugs me?

Mom:Say don't

Girl:What if he kisses me?
...
Mom:Say stop.

The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her so well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!!!.......

[DrEvil]

Girl:What if a boy hugs me?

Mom:Say don't

Girl:What if he kisses me?
...
Mom:Say stop.

The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her so well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!!!.......

LOL... 

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

I am bored... There's still 2 hrs left for the Spain game..



Three monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their private and put them in a room with an attractive girl with no clothes. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes ’ding-ding!’

"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes ’ding-ding!’

"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn’t ring. The woman nods. "Good, you’ve passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."

There he goes, "Ding-ding!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist.

 The officials agreed. A famous hypnotist was hired. The event was publicized around town. Everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
 The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.
 
"sh*t," said the hypnotist. It took the town 3 weeks to clean up the mess.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. 

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Another....
 
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                                Men Vs. Women

   If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

   If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

   If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your A** and find something better.

   If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

   If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

   If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

   If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self-defense.

   If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

   If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

   If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

   If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

   If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

   If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you're not, you're not ambitious.

   If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

   If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

   NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN...THEY WANT TO!!!!!!!

[lilly]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                       ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                       Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in  packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up  ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                                Only in the UK 

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the young lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did the Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident"."

He won the case.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                            Real American Laws.....


These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke!

Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. [SARASOTA] It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.