Clean jokes thread!!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                                  Fire!!!

There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames. He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose.

 Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire.
 They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire.

When they were finally finished, the millionaire was so impressed with the crew's dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $10,000. Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. The chief replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix those lousy brakes!!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                              Sweet cheeks 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                                        The Juggler

 

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.  As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car.  "What are those for?" he asked suspiciously.  "I'm a juggler," the man replied.  "I use those in my act."

 "Well, show me," the officer demanded, still a little unsure.  So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

 Just then another car passed by.  The driver did a double take, and said, "That's it Maude.  I've got to give up the drink!  Just look at the sobriety test they're giving now!!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                                       Strong words

 An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may  be forgiven.)  The burglar stopped in his tracks.

  The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar.  "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

HOW WELL DOES COLD WATER CLEAN?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural
area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like
substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these
plates clean?
His grandfather replied.... those plates are as clean as cold water
can get them so go on and finish your meal.
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance
that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again......are you sure these
plates are clean?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says.....I told
you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now
don't ask me about it anymore!
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby
town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would
not let him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was
watching, Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Here's another.


                                     

Help Yourself

 

            A pastor went over to an elderly member's house to see how she was
            doing. Seated on the sofa and very hungry, he spotted on the coffee
            table a bowl of almonds.  A little timid, he asked, "Do you mind if I
            have one?" The woman was quite reluctant but said, "No, go ahead."

            An hour later, he was in disbelief that he had finished off the whole bowl!

            "Oh I'm so sorry about all the almonds!" he said as he stood to leave.

            "Oh, don't worry about it.  All I can do is suck the chocolate off since
             I lost all of my teeth."

[theone]

i like these jokes !!!!!!
keep it up!! 

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Come on guys. Provide something called MOTIVATION

66 views and only 2 decent replies by theone and immortal. Thank you theone and immortal.

All the rest, you will burn in hell!!!!!!!

[Monica]

Come on guys. Provide something called MOTIVATION

66 views and only 2 decent replies by theone and immortal. Thank you theone and immortal.

All the rest, you will burn in hell!!!!!!!

I read the one for Case study! It was nice! 

But try posting shorter jokes because like we don't have to read long ones. 

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

I read the one for Case study! It was nice! 

But try posting shorter jokes because like we don't have to read long ones. 

You want some short dirty jokes?

[Monica]

You want some short dirty jokes?

I thought the thread title was 'Clean Jokes' ?

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

I thought the thread title was 'Clean Jokes' ?

Nope, I wont post them here.

I'll pm them to you.    

*laughing with happiness*

[Monica]

Nope, I wont post them here.

I'll pm them to you.    

*laughing with happiness*

I can block your pms   

I waiting for the 'Thank You GORGEOUS Mony  for posting in my thread when it was dead and I was poor and needy' 

[immortal]

A frog at the bank
     

This frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patty Wack.
"Hi, I'd like to fill out an application for a loan", said the frog.

Patty Wack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something to stand against your loan?"

The frog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."

"Well, I don't know," said Patty Wack, "I'll have to ask the manager about this."

Patty Wack goes to see the bank manager.

The bank manager looks at the statue and replies: "Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

I waiting for the 'Thank You GORGEOUS Mony  for posting in my thread when it was dead and I was poor and needy' 

Thank you UGLY Monkey   (doesn't monkey and mony sound similar? ) for posting in my thread and killing it and making me poor and needy in the process