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Clean jokes thread!!!
DrEvil:
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde (OK. Choose brunette if you don’t like
blond jokes), on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of
alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans
prices.
“I’ll just catch my own alligator,” she told one shopkeeper,”
so I can get a pair of shoes for free.” She stomped out of
the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the
blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand,
with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The
shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to
haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other
dead alligators were lined up.
“Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay. “This one isn’t
wearing any shoes either!”
DrEvil:
Three Ministers and a Priest
Three ministers and a priest played golf together every
week. They decided to visit each other’s churches. So the
following day, the three ministers showed up at an early
morning mass at their friend’s church. There were no empty
pews, so they stood in the back.
When the priest saw them, he whispered to the little
acolyte, “Get three chairs for the Protestants.” The boy
looked stunned and sat down.
The priest pointed in the back to where the clergy were
standing and repeated, “Get three chairs for the Protestants!”
The confused boy still stared back blankly.
Exasperated, the priest said emphatically, “PLEASE! Get
three chairs for the Protestants!”
The dismayed acolyte stood before the congregation and
announced, “Ladies and gentlemen. This is the first time it
has ever been done in this church, but let’s all stand and
give three cheers for the Protestants!”
DrEvil:
Speeding Ticket
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police
helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began
to issue a traffic ticket.
“How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver
asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against
me?”
DrEvil:
Two Moose Hunters
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake
in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a
large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the
pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t
lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals.
You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees
on the take off.”
“That’s baloney!” says one of the hunters. “Yeah,” the other
agrees, “you’re just chicken. We came out here last year
and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn’t
afraid to take off!”
“Yeah”, said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any
bigger than yours!”
The pilot got angry, and said, “Hell, if he did it, then I can do
it! I can fly as well as anybody!”
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost
made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end
of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke
up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers
all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his
head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush,
looked around and said, “I’d say... About a hundred yards
further than last year.”
DrEvil:
A Real-Life Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective
Sherlock Holmes, told of a time when he climbed into a taxi
cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned
to him and asked, “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?”
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever
seen him before.
“No, sir,” the driver responded, “I have never seen you
before.”
Then he explained: “This morning’s paper had a story about
you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand
where people who return from Marseilles always come to.
Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink
spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are
a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French.
Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that
you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“This is truly amazing!” the writer exclaimed. “You are a real
life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!”
“There is one other thing,” the driver said.
“What is that?”
“Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”
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