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Clean jokes thread!!!
DrEvil:
Chess At The Hotel
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and
asked them to disperse.
“But why?,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer.”
DrEvil:
The Indian Chief Predicts the Weather
An old Indian Chief was famous for predicting what the
weather would do.
A group of people went up to the Chief and asked him,
“What will the weather be like tomorrow?”
The Chief replied, “... Much rain. Very wet.”
The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more
people went up to the Chief and asked, “What will the
weather be like tomorrow?”
“... Much snow. Very cold.”
Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.
The next day, people were so impressed with this, they
asked him another time. “Chief,” they asked, “what will the
weather do tomorrow?”
The Chief replied, “... I dunno. Radio broken.”
DrEvil:
Canadians and Americans Avoid a Naval Battle
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released
by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South
to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees
the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS
LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
DrEvil:
A Yankee and a Texas Nativity
In a small Texas town, there was a Nativity scene which
showed that great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
One feature, however, bothered me. The three wise men
were wearing firemen’s helmets.
At a store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets. She looked skeptically at me
and remarked, “You Yankees never do read the Bible!”
I assured her that I did, but that I simply couldn’t recall
anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
through some pages.
Finally, she jabbed her finger at a
passage and said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise
men came from afar.’”
DrEvil:
You’re Not a Monk
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a
monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door,
and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay
the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix
his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a
monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the
only way I can find out that sound is to become a monk,
how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how
many blades of grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will
become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he
returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says,
“I have traveled the earth and have found what you have
asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks
lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
“The sound is right behind that door.” The monks give him
the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is
another door made of stone. The man demands the key to
the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens
it, only to find a door made of ruby.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz, amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the
last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He
unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is
amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
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