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Clean jokes thread!!!
I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!:
I am bored... :( There's still 2 hrs left for the Spain game..
Three monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their private and put them in a room with an attractive girl with no clothes. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes ’ding-ding!’
"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes ’ding-ding!’
"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn’t ring. The woman nods. "Good, you’ve passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."
There he goes, "Ding-ding!"
I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!:
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist.
The officials agreed. A famous hypnotist was hired. The event was publicized around town. Everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.
"sh*t," said the hypnotist. It took the town 3 weeks to clean up the mess.
I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!:
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. ;D
I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!:
Another....
::)
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!:
Men Vs. Women :P :P
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your A** and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN...THEY WANT TO!!!!!!!
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