Clean jokes thread!!!

[Amelia]

The Dream Eggs!
Joe did like he always does,  crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed."What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked."This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.""WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too young." said Joe. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately.""It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own"Joe thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad."I want to return as a hen." Joe replied.In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then along came the rooster."Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?""Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up.""Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."Joe clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground."Wow" Joe said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Joe, for Christ's sake!!! Wake up ... you're shittin' all over the bed!"

[Amelia]

<3 Before Marriage <3
Boy: At last i can Hardly wait!
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don"t even theink about it!
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course, always!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No, why are you asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance i get
Girl: Will you slap me?
Boy: Hell no, are you crazy?!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes!
Girl: Darling!!
After marriage Read It backwards!!

[iluvme]

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

[Amelia]

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned
from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 7 June'07

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

With regards-

Your loving Hubby

[EMO123]

Kabir ne kaha hai ki
"Kal Kare so aaj kar,
Aaj kar so aab."
Ab mujhe koi ye bataye k kal honewali toilet koi aaj kese kar sakta hai???!!

[iluvme]

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

[EMO123]

Teacher asked students :- what do you get to learn from Rab Ne Banadi Jodi
one student :- agar hum mehnat kare to shadi-shuda ladki bhi patt sakti hai !!!
 

[Master_Key]

Prem bhagwan ki lila hai!!

wah wah
.
.
.

Prem bhagwan ki lila hai

main karu to sala Character Dheela hai!

[EMO123]

Prem bhagwan ki lila hai!!

wah wah
.
.
.

Prem bhagwan ki lila hai

main karu to sala Character Dheela hai!

yeh suna hua hai mere bhai

[EMO123]

Teacher:-Galti Karne Pe mafi mange use kya kehte hai?

Student:-Samajdar

Teacher:-Galti na karne ke bawajood mafi mange use kya kehte hai?

Student:-Boyfriend
 

Teacher:-On making a mistake if anybody says sorry then what do we say them?

Student:-Understanding person

Teacher:-Without making any mistake if anybody says sorry than what do we say them?

Student:-Boy Friend
 

[Nobody]

yeh BHI suna hua hai mere bhai.

[guMnam]

yeh BHI suna hua hai mere bhai.

lol haha

[TimmY73]

A man is out walking in New York city when he sees a little girl being chased by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by hitting the dog’s head with a stick and saves the girl’s life.

The girl’s mother rushes over to him: “Thank you so much for saving my little girl. You are a true hero. Tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about ‘Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl’”

“But I’m not a New Yorker,” the man says.

“Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl,” says the mother.

“But I’m not an American neither,” the man says.

“So, what are you then?” asks the mother.

“I’m an Iranian,” the man replied politely.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:

“Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.”

[TimmY73]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making guy steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“Today is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out of the cab, I forgot my wallet, cash and credit cards in the there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

[TimmY73]

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
  She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.”
 The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.
 The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
LolZZZzzz....