JOKES AND Riddles!!

[Monica]

hahahahaha!! KIM!! This is sooooo funny!! hahaha!!

[Kim]

The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!

[Monica]

haha..wat a stupid clerk...lol!!

[Kim]

The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.'

The boy replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?'

The little boy answered, 'No, he minded his own damn business!'

[Q80BOY]

hehe 

[O.T.13.]

Am baaaack!
guessing everyone left for biznes, good luck everyone
and hey kim, nice jokes, keep em coming, +Rep

[Monica]

haha funny...

[Q80BOY]

Do You Really Have To Be Smart To Be A Lawyer?
 
It must be such a relief for you to find out it's not only Football Commentators who say the stupidest things !

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers' Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:


"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"


"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"


"Were you present when your picture was taken?"


Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"


"Did he kill you?"


"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


"How many times have you committed suicide?"


Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"


Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"


Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"


Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"


Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"


Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."


Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."


Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."


Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."


Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."


Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood.

[O.T.13.]

oh wait, thats not the whole thing, lemme grab the rest....

From a little book called “Disorder in the Court.”
They’re things people actually said in court, word for word.



Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteen.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

—————————————————

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

—————————————————

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

—————————————————

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

—————————————————

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

—————————————————

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

—————————————————

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

—————————————————

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

—————————————————

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

—————————————————

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about
it until the next morning?

—————————————————

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

—————————————————

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

—————————————————

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

—————————————————

Q: Did he kill you?

—————————————————

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

—————————————————

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

—————————————————

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

—————————————————

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

—————————————————

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

—————————————————

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

————————————————–

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

—————————————————

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

—————————————————

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

—————————————————

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

—————————————————

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

—————————————————

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

—————————————————

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

—————————————————

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

—————————————————

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

—————————————————

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.



ENJOY!

[X Abdulrahman X]

haha lol, this is so funny lol, worth reading

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! and I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

[Monica]

hahaha!!

[X Abdulrahman X]

hahaha!!

lol shosh y are u offline ?
and how do u do it i wanna know ??

[Monica]

haha!! ur askin this question for the 4th time today!! i wont tell u

[O.T.13.]

SOMEBODY'S ON A RAMPAGE (By the way, i edited my previous reply in the last page, check it if u didn't already)

QUestions That Will Always Confuse Mankind

When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics'

[X Abdulrahman X]

haha!! ur askin this question for the 4th time today!! i wont tell u

lmao whyyy :O