Author Topic: Clean jokes thread!!!  (Read 137522 times)

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #795 on: September 03, 2010, 10:31:31 am »
Chess At The Hotel

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and
asked them to disperse.

“But why?,” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer.”


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #796 on: September 03, 2010, 10:32:40 am »
The Indian Chief Predicts the Weather

An old Indian Chief was famous for predicting what the
weather would do.

A group of people went up to the Chief and asked him,
“What will the weather be like tomorrow?”

The Chief replied, “... Much rain. Very wet.”

The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more
people went up to the Chief and asked, “What will the
weather be like tomorrow?”

“... Much snow. Very cold.”

Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.

The next day, people were so impressed with this, they
asked him another time. “Chief,” they asked, “what will the
weather do tomorrow?”

The Chief replied, “... I dunno. Radio broken.”


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #797 on: September 03, 2010, 10:34:45 am »
Canadians and Americans Avoid a Naval Battle

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released
by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.


Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees
the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS
LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #798 on: September 03, 2010, 10:36:31 am »
A Yankee and a Texas Nativity

In a small Texas town, there was a Nativity scene which
showed that great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
One feature, however, bothered me. The three wise men
were wearing firemen’s helmets.

At a store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets. She looked skeptically at me
and remarked, “You Yankees never do read the Bible!”

I assured her that I did, but that I simply couldn’t recall
anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
through some pages.

Finally, she jabbed her finger at a
passage and said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise
men came from afar.’”


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #799 on: September 03, 2010, 10:40:31 am »
You’re Not a Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a
monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door,
and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay
the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix
his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a
monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the
only way I can find out that sound is to become a monk,
how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how
many blades of grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will
become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he
returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says,
“I have traveled the earth and have found what you have
asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks
lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
“The sound is right behind that door.” The monks give him
the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is
another door made of stone. The man demands the key to
the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens
it, only to find a door made of ruby.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz, amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the
last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He
unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is
amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #800 on: September 03, 2010, 10:42:03 am »
Alligator Shoes

A young blonde (OK. Choose brunette if you don’t like
blond jokes), on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of
alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans
prices.

“I’ll just catch my own alligator,” she told one shopkeeper,”
so I can get a pair of shoes for free.” She stomped out of
the store and headed for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the
blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand,
with a huge alligator closing in.

She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The
shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to
haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other
dead alligators were lined up.

“Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay. “This one isn’t
wearing any shoes either!”


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #801 on: September 03, 2010, 10:43:42 am »
Three Ministers and a Priest

Three ministers and a priest played golf together every
week. They decided to visit each other’s churches. So the
following day, the three ministers showed up at an early
morning mass at their friend’s church. There were no empty
pews, so they stood in the back.

When the priest saw them, he whispered to the little
acolyte, “Get three chairs for the Protestants.” The boy
looked stunned and sat down.

The priest pointed in the back to where the clergy were
standing and repeated, “Get three chairs for the Protestants!”
The confused boy still stared back blankly.

Exasperated, the priest said emphatically, “PLEASE! Get
three chairs for the Protestants!”

The dismayed acolyte stood before the congregation and
announced, “Ladies and gentlemen. This is the first time it
has ever been done in this church, but let’s all stand and
give three cheers for the Protestants!”


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #802 on: September 03, 2010, 10:44:37 am »
Speeding Ticket

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police
helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began
to issue a traffic ticket.

“How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver
asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against
me?”


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #803 on: September 03, 2010, 10:46:35 am »
Two Moose Hunters

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake
in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a
large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the
pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t
lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals.

You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees
on the take off.”

“That’s baloney!” says one of the hunters. “Yeah,” the other
agrees, “you’re just chicken. We came out here last year
and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn’t
afraid to take off!”

“Yeah”, said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any
bigger than yours!”

The pilot got angry, and said, “Hell, if he did it, then I can do
it! I can fly as well as anybody!”

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost
made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end
of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke
up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers
all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his
head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush,
looked around and said, “I’d say... About a hundred yards
further than last year.”


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline DrEvil

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #804 on: September 03, 2010, 10:48:32 am »
A Real-Life Sherlock Holmes

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective
Sherlock Holmes, told of a time when he climbed into a taxi
cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned
to him and asked, “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?”

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever
seen him before.

“No, sir,” the driver responded, “I have never seen you
before.”

Then he explained: “This morning’s paper had a story about
you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand
where people who return from Marseilles always come to.
Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink
spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are
a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French.
Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that
you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

“This is truly amazing!” the writer exclaimed. “You are a real
life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!”

“There is one other thing,” the driver said.

“What is that?”

“Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”

Offline Master_Key

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #805 on: September 03, 2010, 02:09:42 pm »
 The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the Armed Forces,...which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals,so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

Offline Master_Key

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #806 on: September 03, 2010, 02:12:40 pm »
Brilliant Sardar
Professor : which was the first silent film in hindi ?
Sardar : If d film was silent,Hw could u know tat it was Hindi?
Professor shocked
Sardar rocked !

Offline Master_Key

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #807 on: September 03, 2010, 02:17:50 pm »
Santa in library bangs a book and says: Too boring, too many characters and no story.Librarian: So you are the one who took the phone directory away?

Offline Master_Key

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #808 on: September 03, 2010, 02:23:37 pm »
Sardar went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
Sardar: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?

Offline [Ash]

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Re: Clean jokes thread!!!
« Reply #809 on: September 06, 2010, 12:30:35 pm »
too funny!!!!!!!!

All i Ever Did Was Love...And All You Did Was Lie... Never Understood It.But Never Asked You Why!?!?