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Clean jokes thread!!!
DrEvil:
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said.
"Very good," the teacher replied.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'.
That was a fine story, Sarah", said the teacher.
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley.
Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her
Plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was
A bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey
on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the
middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
“Stay far away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."
nid404:
--- Quote from: Kim on July 28, 2010, 07:21:30 pm ---THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
--- End quote ---
Bwahaha! lol :D
Alpha:
--- Quote from: Kim on July 28, 2010, 07:21:30 pm ---THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
--- End quote ---
True. ::)
DrEvil:
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's private parts.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
DrEvil:
BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
==================================
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
----------------------------------
NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For instruktions, see bottom applikason.
*************
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
*************
2. First name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
*************
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
*************
5. Shos Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
*************
6.Occupason:
(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_)
Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
*************
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
*************
8. Read #7 agan & anser here: ___
*************
9. Mather name: _______________________
*************
10. Phather Name: ____________________ (don't leave blank)
*************
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 .............. (Circle highest grade completed)
*************
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish- ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
*************
14. Ice seight:
(_) One Ice(2x1) (_) Two Ice(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_)
Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6
*************
15.Your thumb imparesson :
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)
*************
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
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