Clean jokes thread!!!

[dodi23]

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A
mama cat and her kitten were walking by.

The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we
eat?"

To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How
about some Baskin Robbins?"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

 

                                         Young Rooster 

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young c**k from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                A Mouse & a Lion in a Bar

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her. Within
five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.

The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me back to her place to spend the night."

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.

"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a hundred miles!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                  MARRIAGE QUOTES.   

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."


"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for: 1) everything I say, and 2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ? Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much......Monogamy ? It's the same"

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."

"Life is a b*tch, then you marry one."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                          Marriage quotes continued 



"The most common form of marriage proposal: 'YOU'RE WHAT !?'"

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished."

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry." 

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"How do most men define marriage ? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."

"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books."

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success."

"Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage."

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."

"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up."

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers."

"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them."

"My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely."

"My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time." - Jonathan Katz.

"What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman ? The wedding cake."

"They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death."

"I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better" - Bumper sticker.

Marriage is an institution
Marriage is love
Love is blind
Therefore: Marriage is an institution for the blind

I married Miss Right... Then i found out first name was 'Always'

Marriage is an institution, but i'm not mad enough to be institutionalized.

If you want to know what your wife/girlfriend will look like in 30 years time, just look at her mother.

[WARRIOR]

lol @ the rooster one!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Four Married Guys 

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.

What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or sex?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                        God Created Canada

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the friendliest people on Earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them!!!"

    

[Vin]

LOL nice ones

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Want some more ?  Spread the laughter dude ... Post some yourself 

[Meticulous]

LOL @ canada

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                Clinton and the Pope in Heaven

On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major screw up. By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope was sent to hell.

IN HELL:

The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with God.

Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong here. I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we can fix it.

The Pope: Worry not, my son.

24 hours later:

Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you tell Clinton to come here.

The Pope: Sure thing.

On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way.

The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final dream is to meet the Virgin Mary.

Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Spread some laughter dudes.


                                  Letter for a New Bike


One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike.

His mother said, At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don't you?"

"Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas."

His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him."

Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter: Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike. Your Friend, Johnny

He thought about this and decided to start a new letter. Dear Jesus, Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.

He thought about this and decided to write another letter. Dear Jesus, I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.

He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one either. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and hurried home.

He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter. Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike!!! Your Friend, Johnny.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Another one.


                                              Funeral Procession



A man was leaving a Stop n' Go with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog bit her and she died."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                              School's Out

It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each question I ask may leave early."

Little Johnny thinks to himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first."

The teacher asks, "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Susie said "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."

Johnny was mad that Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I have a dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Mary said "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."

Johnny was even madder that Mary answered first.

The teacher asked "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Nancy said "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."

Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bi***es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher said "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"