Clean jokes thread!!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                       

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                        DRUNK CLOCK

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Badump-Bump

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

How do you keep a jackass in suspense?
 I'll let you know tomorrow!!!! 

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way


A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Funny Puns and One-Liners



Corduroy pillows are making headlines

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

Acupuncture is a jab well done

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

Without geometry, life is pointless

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

A nerd is walking along when another nerd arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second nerd says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this gorgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, takes off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other nerd nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!!!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!

The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn


10. The pot roast.

9. What does pastor wear under robes?

8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?

7. 90 minutes till kickoff.

6. Did I turn off the curling iron?

5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.

4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?

3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?

2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?

1. How many more verses?

[Raed]

You know what really would be funny??
getting a U in you report card if you don't start studying!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Like I care!!! 

[DrEvil]

You know what really would be funny??
getting a U in you report card if you don't start studying!!

hahahaha... 

lets hope that doesn't happen. 

[mohit1234]

Got Duck Feed?

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk tells him, ”No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.”
The duck says, ”Okay” and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk says, ”I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.”
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ”Got any nails?”
”No,” comes the reply.
”Got any duck feed?”

[WARRIOR]

Got Duck Feed?

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk tells him, ”No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.”
The duck says, ”Okay” and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk says, ”I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.”
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ”Got any nails?”
”No,” comes the reply.
”Got any duck feed?”

lol nice  1

[Monica]

You know what really would be funny??
getting a U in you report card if you don't start studying!!

hahahahah looool. That was a funny joke