Jokes and stuff...

[Lana Wolf]

Well this is a father's day joke..but i found it funny...
Top Ten Things You`ll Never Hear a Dad Say:
10. Well, how `bout that?... I`m lost! Looks like we`ll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you`re thirteen, you`ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won`t that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here`s a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don`t know what`s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let`s go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father`s Day? aahh -- don`t worry about that -- it`s no big deal.

I'll post more when i find some more...

[Lana Wolf]

20 GOOD LINES

1. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

2. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

4. Don't take life too seriously--no one gets out alive.

5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

8. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

10. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

15. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

16. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

17. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

18. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

19. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

20. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

[Lana Wolf]

 Another piece on fathers..lol

Fathers of 1900 didn`t have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

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In 1900, a father`s horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it`s the size of his minivan.

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In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family`s head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that`s just the vacation home.

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In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn`t touch Dad`s clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

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In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

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In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

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In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it`s time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it`s time for hockey practice."

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In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy`s at baseball, Cindy`s at gymnastics, I`m at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

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In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons` ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

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In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys `R` Us, and the kid screams: "I want an XBOX!!!!"

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In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it`s Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

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In 1900, a Father`s Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he`ll get a digital organizer.

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In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald`s.

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In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father`s involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

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In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you`re invading my space."

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In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

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In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2009, fathers are never truly appreciated.

[Lana Wolf]

A student's request for money..
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked Her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That`s $1020!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy??"
"Don`t worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

[Lana Wolf]

This place is soo dead..im writing jokes and laughing at them myself...  

[O.T.13.]

This place is soo dead..im writing jokes and laughing at them myself...  

naaaah dont worry just give it some time and we'll all be laughing in here 

[Lana Wolf]

naaaah dont worry just give it some time and we'll all be laughing in here 

lol...hope so..

[Alpha]

  Am here too...

[O.T.13.]

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

Lovely lol; Actually i did something similiar to that once; paretns gota call from my cousin saying his mom is in the hospital, my parents rush out; what do i do? PARTAAAAAAAAY! somehow, i got 15 people (plus me and my lil brother) stacked into the house 

13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Me likeyyyy this one the mmost 

19. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

and i have my eyes get bulged out

17. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig

rotf

20. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

She thought wrong

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family`s head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that`s just the vacation home.

rotf

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn`t touch Dad`s clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

if fathers can only develope a proper sense of style....

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

... just to find the kid smoking hash behind the park tree

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you`re invading my space." 

in both cases the kid wud be like "damn! whens he gonna leave!?" its just that now ther're less manners and more nerves 

[Monica]

This is like the Jokes and Riddles thread. 

[Lana Wolf]

This is like the Jokes and Riddles thread. 

ya..i guess...i just wanted to make another one...new jokes and stuff...

Omer..lol

i cudnt ever throw a party without being caught...lol

[O.T.13.]

ya..i guess...i just wanted to make another one...new jokes and stuff...

Omer..lol

i cudnt ever throw a party without being caught...lol

i actually i did get get caught, but i reminded them that i mentioned the day before that "ama be getting a couple of friends" and when they found out its 15 i told them some of them brought guests 

[$tyli$h Executive]

Good Jokes! Finally, the humour section livened up a bid.

[Lana Wolf]

Good Jokes! Finally, the humour section livened up a bid.

Thanks..lol

omer..lol
still nice...
they werent angry at all?? no mess??

[Lana Wolf]

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.