Clean jokes thread!!!

[Heart Hacker]

You still want faster?
(Tell her not to tell anyone )

that is true 

[nid404]

1)A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

 


2)A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

[nid404]

The Ugly Duckling

 
Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.
  When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. 
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.  With him is another extremely ugly
man.  He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
 
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[DrEvil]

HAHAHA! Very Nice Jokes Nid.   

+ Rep. 

[nid404]

hey thanks 

[DrEvil]

The positive thinking poem.

* Little birdy in the sky,
* You look up and it shits in your eye.
* You don't mind and you don't cry,
* You just thank God that cows don't fly.

[DrEvil]

I“ve written a poem for you:
Twinkle twinkle little star,
you should know what you are,
and once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far.



What is the difference between MONKEY and DONKEY ?
MONKEY will read this message and DONKEY will skip this message ...
What you will do ? 

[DrEvil]

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

[DrEvil]

To: My Loving Wife....
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the
e-mail.
Meanwhile...
Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from
relatives and friends.After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now,and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey
is as uneventful as mine was.
Regards,
Ur Loving Husband.

[DrEvil]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in
the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.




























































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!

[DrEvil]

A blind man enters a women's bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[nid404]

Haha......nice ones...

[maybeitwastheneighbors]

A blind man enters a women's bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

poor guy. he is very dead

[The Golden Girl =D]

The positive thinking poem.

* Little birdy in the sky,
* You look up and it shits in your eye.
* You don't mind and you don't cry,
* You just thank God that cows don't fly.

that deserves a LOL ..hehe 

[nid404]

1)A Sunday School teacher was watching her class as they drew. She asked one little girl what she was drawing. The little girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without looking up, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."


2) Glossary of Computer Terms

Obsolete - Your present computer.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.
Keyboard - A device used for generating computer errors.
Mouse - Device with similar function to keyboard but lacking the sophistication.
Floppy - How your wallet looks after you buy a computer.
Disk Crash - An event occurring when you have a deadline to meet.
Megabytes - What you do to your nails when you are in the disk crash situation.
Bits - What your computer becomes when you throw it out of the window in frustration.
System Update - A quick method of making your computer crash!