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Clean jokes thread!!!
DrEvil:
Where Is God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into
trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred
in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to
see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old
first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman
in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So
the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner
tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the
boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly
home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind
him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he
asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in
BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think
WE did it!
DrEvil:
The Zen Master
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He
goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Please make me
one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen
Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in
the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
nid404:
Chinese simplified :D
Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift
Dum Gai - A stupid person
Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia - Approach me
Lao Ze Sho - Dawson's Creek
Lao Zi - Not very good
Lin Ching - An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai - A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting -- There is no reason to raise your voice
DrEvil:
Beethoven's Ninth
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.
In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes
during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather
than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some
bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern
next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass
violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch.
"Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we
might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of
the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a
few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert
hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time,
a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a
bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's
the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists
are loaded."
DrEvil:
The Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly
his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a
hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting
below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall
towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out,
“Oh, my God! Help me!”
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung
in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said,
“I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“God, come on, give me a break!” the man pleaded, “Just
seconds ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster
either!”
“Well,” said God, “now that you are a believer, you must
understand that I won’t work miracles to snatch you from
certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change
hearts. What would you have me do?”
The atheist thinks for a minute then says, “God, please
have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.”
God replies, “So be it.”
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling
towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness
Monster folds his claws together and says,
“Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided.....”
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