Clean jokes thread!!!

[DrEvil]

Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into
trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred
in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to
see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old
first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman
in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So
the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner
tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the
boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly
home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind
him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he
asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in
BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think
WE did it!

[DrEvil]

The Zen Master

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He
goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Please make me
one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen
Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in
the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

[nid404]

Chinese simplified 

Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift

Dum Gai - A stupid person

Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive


Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia - Approach me

Lao Ze Sho - Dawson's Creek

Lao Zi - Not very good


Lin Ching - An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai - A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse


Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile


Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting -- There is no reason to raise your voice

[DrEvil]

Beethoven's Ninth

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.
In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes
during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather
than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some
bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern
next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass
violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch.
"Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we
might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of
the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a
few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert
hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time,
a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a
bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's
the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists
are loaded."

[DrEvil]

The Atheist and the Loch Ness Monster

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly
his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a
hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting
below to swallow them both.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall
towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out,
“Oh, my God! Help me!”

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung
in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said,
“I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“God, come on, give me a break!” the man pleaded, “Just
seconds ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster
either!”

“Well,” said God, “now that you are a believer, you must
understand that I won’t work miracles to snatch you from
certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change
hearts. What would you have me do?”

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, “God, please
have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.”
God replies, “So be it.”

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling
towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness
Monster folds his claws together and says,
“Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided.....”

[DrEvil]

The Catholic Fish

A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community.
Being good Catholics, they welcomed him into their community.
But, also because they were good Catholics, they
did not eat red meat on Fridays. So when their neighbor
began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they
began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about
it. After much talk, they convinced him to become Catholic.
The next Sunday, he went to the priest and the priest
sprinkled holy water on him and said, “You were born
Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are
Catholic.”

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat
their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef
coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk
to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed
to eat beef on Fridays.

When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef
saying, “You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But
now you are fish.”

[DrEvil]

You Know You’ve Been Online Too Long When...

Tech Support calls “YOU” for help.

When you are reading something printed, you wish you
could use a search function to get to the point.

You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know
there’s nothing there.

You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people
won’t know you’re online again.

You find yourself lying to others about your time online and
when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it
was off the hook.

You type messages to people while you are on the phone
with them at the same time.

You type faster than you can think.

You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast
that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

[iluvme]

The Catholic Fish

A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community.
Being good Catholics, they welcomed him into their community.
But, also because they were good Catholics, they
did not eat red meat on Fridays. So when their neighbor
began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they
began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about
it. After much talk, they convinced him to become Catholic.
The next Sunday, he went to the priest and the priest
sprinkled holy water on him and said, “You were born
Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are
Catholic.”

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat
their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef
coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk
to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed
to eat beef on Fridays.

When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef
saying, “You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But
now you are fish.”

Lol!!! + rep

[DrEvil]

Lol!!! + rep

I'm glad you liked it. 

[nid404]

LOOL Nice ones Drevil +rep

[Dibss]

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in
BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think
WE did it!

When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef
saying, “You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But
now you are fish.”

LOL

+Rep

[The Golden Girl =D]

LOL  + rep

[nid404]

Computer Husband

Husband: ( returning from work ) Evening dear, I'm logged in now.

Wife: Have you bought the ring?Husband: Bad command or file name.

Wife: But I had told you in the morning...

Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife: My dress atleast...?

Husband: Variable not found.

Wife: It was a grave mistake that I married you!

Husband: A true case of data type mismatch.

Wife: You're an useless nut.Husband: By default.

Wife: What about your salary?Husband: Filed in use.

Wife: And who was in the car this morning?

Husband: System unstable. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot.

Wife: Will you have something?

Husband: Hard disk full.

Wife: What's with your secretary?

Husband: The only user with write permission.

Wife: What about me?

Husband: Unknown virus detected.

Husband: Do you love me or your PC?Husband: Too many parameters.

Wife: I'm breaking up with ya.

Husband: Program performed illegal operation. It will close.

Wife: I'm leaving.

Husband: Close all programs and log out for another user.

Wife: It's a waste talking to you.

Husband: Shut down the computer now.

Wife: Good bye.

Husband: It's now safe to turn off your computer.

[DrEvil]

Scientists and God

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that
man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So
they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were
done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve
decided that we no longer need You. We’re to the point that
we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so
why don’t You just go on?”

God listened very patiently and kindly. After the scientist
was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this?
Let’s say we have a man-making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “Okay! Great.” But God
added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did back in the
old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem!” and bent down and
grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your
own dirt!”

[DrEvil]

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day,
and as always the preacher was standing at the door
shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed
my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the
Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord,
Preacher.”

The preacher questioned, “How come I don’t see you
except for Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”