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Clean jokes thread!!!
I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!:
Who me?
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance
speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”
I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!:
Engineers are Curious Creatures
1. Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “The bike was a good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t
have fit.”
2. An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or the mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.”
“Both?”Artist said. Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”
3. What is the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Engineers build weapons and Architects build targets.
4. To the optimist the glass is half full. To the pessimist the glass is half empty. To the engineer the glass is twice as big as it has to be.
5. An engineer is walking along the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll spend the week with you.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.”
Again the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Desperately, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog? Now that’s cool.”
I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!:
The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
One local man has put on his best suit and he’s sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn’t smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.
He can’t believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won’t talk to him, he’s concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum’s clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!! "
elemis:
@dodi Awesome sig !! :D
dodi23:
Thanks ari
lord kratos yup ;D
A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who gets you into sh*t is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend
3. If you are in sh*t, keep your mouth shut
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