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Girlfriend and Boyfriend relationships

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Alpha:
A. MORALITY VS. ETHICS - You said that Ehical Standards = sum of all the moral principles of the society. If you see it from the individual going outside the society then it's a summation of the moral principles of each person within a society. (It's like specific to general)

But if you see it this way (general to specific): from the society going to the individual-- then cultural influences will have a great influence on how the person perceives right and wrong. For example: The family, there's a strong tendency for the child to acquire the behavior or customs practiced by his parents and siblings. Yes, in a society there are "subgroups". There are people who are conservative and there are those who are liberal. Usually there is a set of norms accepted by the majority-- which is the majority? The conservative or the liberal?

But just like what I mentioned : Losing one's virginity is a "personal" decision -- it's a question of morality rather than ethics. It's a personal choice. It depends upon the person if she thinks she is READY. Why? Because if she is not ready for the consequences she will have a hard time dealing with them. What happens to a person who is carrying an emotional burden? It can make or break her. It can be viewed as a challenge for her to survive like a passage to maturity, or a burden too heavy to carry for her -- a burden that could break her youthhood. If the latter is the case, then chances are it will lead to an array of problems : relations with the family and the society. Constant rejection and parental rebuke = it will affect the person emotionally which could pave way for "psychological problems". She can feel "blamed". Imagine fifteen-year-old teeners carrying that burden. It will affect school, interpersonal relationships. Depression, Nervous Breakdown and sequelae of psychological problems. Despite of that, I know people who can carry on -- those who are ready, those who can responsibly accept the consequences. If it's already there, there's nothing more they can do about it, but to carry on. Weird though, they lost their virginity but they advise their female friends "to preserve it as much as possible". They saw the consequences of it.


B. VIRGIN vs. PROMISCUOUS -- Losing one's virginity is not equal to being promiscuous. The definition of being a "virgin" is far from the description of a promiscuous person. Since promiscuity is rejected by ethical principles, the opposing idea is "praised". What is the contrasting idea? VIRGINITY. Being a virgin and being promiscuous are like two concepts that lie at the extreme ends of a continuum. If we try to measure it or see its relation in form of analogy: it's like white and black. White representsthe virgins, black represents the promiscuous. The UNWED people who are neither promiscuous nor virgins-- they lie on the gray shade. It's the person's choice -- does she want to lie on the black side or the white side? She can stay on "gray" too.

C. THE DIFFERENCE OF UNWANTED PREGNANCY OUTSIDE MARRIAGE and WITHIN MARRIAGE --

UNWANTED PREGNANCY OUTSIDE MARRIAGE- WHy? If a guy sleeps with a girl that does NOT mean that he loves her. He can be using her for fun. If she gets pregnant, what is the guarantee that the guy will marry her? What is the guarantee that the guy will be a responsible father for their child? Can the girl support the child alone? Financial and emotional support.. LEGAL CHILD SUPPORT ISN'T THAT POPULAR HERE. Can the girl fulfill the "Paternal responsibilities", considering that she is already fulfilling her "maternal responsibilities". Who usually gets unwanted pregnancies? TEENAGERS - due to lack of knowledge about contraception, due to lack of foresight -- they think sex is equal to love. One thing : If they are below 18, they cannot get married. Let's say they are 15... 3 years more.. In that span of three years one of them might find "true love", and leave the other.

It's not easy to raise a child, especially if you are ALONE. The child will be called a "bastard". People are cruel, they hit the spot that hurts. It's not the child's fault, but the child who was born out of wedlock will get affected, the child will feel the detrimental effects of his biological parents' irresponsible acts.

YOUR QUESTIONS: "does marriage diminish the risk of unwanted pregnancy? Why? Is marriage like a contraceptive?"

If a man and woman decide to get married it's expected and accepted for them to have children. Marriage is a responsibility, Provided that the guy and the girl are both virgins or both of them don't have children. Will they get married if they are not ready? If they are responsible enough to sign a marriage contract, they should be ready enough to have children. It's not a contraception but it's a legal sign of "RESPONSIBILITY". A sworn statement that you won't leave the other partner alone. Getting married is a signal of "starting your own family".

Or it's the other way around? UNPREPARED PEOPLE GET MARRIED DUE TO UNWANTED PREGNANCY -- SO TRUE, ESPECIALLY FOR THE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO ENGAGED IN PRE-MARITAL SEX. SOME OF THEM DON'T REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER, THEY JUST GET MARRIED FOR THE SAKE OF "TAKING CARE OF THE CHILD" and preserving the girl's reputation.

Now, if the child or if children are born within marriage -- it means it's LEGAL, then BOTH parents will be responsible. Even if they are a dozen, a dozen of LEGITIMATE children... they have parents who can guide them. Material wise they may lack money, but EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND MORAL GUIDANCE will be there. By law and by customs the parents provide for the children. They guide them. If the husband abandons his wife and children - it's a lawsuit. It's easier to ask for child support from a father who legally acknowledges his children. How can he deny them? He was married to the mother of his children.

I value self-freedom. I have NOTHING against non-virgins-- they have practiced their freedom to choose. But I cannot be too selfish. That is why staying a virgin is my choice -- for me it's ideal. I have a family as well, I have people around me, I live and move in a society. My decisions will affect them. Their decisions will affect me. If the ideal can be followed, why not follow it?

Anyway, you gave very good points. I highly appreciate them and understand the message that you want to convey. Some of our ideas clash, but overall the point of reconciliation is : VIRGINITY CANNOT BE RECLAIMED, IT IS THE PERSON'S DECISION WHETHER TO LOSE IT OR NOT.


When to lose it : I THINK WHEN SOMEONE IS READY ENOUGH -- it can be before or after wedding.

Erratum: A. MORALITY VS. ETHICS = You said that ETHICAL* Standards...
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P.S. You've noticed that I usually refer to the person as "she". It is because the society is unfair, there's a different gender role for a woman. Usually, she has more to lose. Different customs for a man and a woman. Perhaps, I've used the pronoun "she" because I've expressed it in a female's point of view.
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* If the guy loves the girl, he will WAIT and think of the reputation of his girlfriend. :)


Posted by Aizabella^
Source: d'Corner of my CircLe

Alpha:
“Virginity”… Your entry has given me an opportunity to think profoundly about this delicate subject….
In my own opinions, I think virginity should be preserved for BOTH men and women… But anyway, everybody is free to lead his/her own life without the dictation of someone else… However, we shouldn’t forget that humans live in societies—groups, where the outlooks of one unit, especially if they are unethical, can easily succumb before the unstated laws and norms of the society.

As you said, to lose or to preserve premarital virginity is the individual’s choice…
Am stating the reasons why I think virginity should be preserved for both sexes before marriage…
My viewpoints:
1) Social Ethics
The Mauritian society isn’t different from yours and most Asian and Islamic ones…Though Mauritius is an amalgam of the East and the West, many people here are still conservative—and I think they ought to be, at least to some extent… It’s not that I am a traditionalist, but norms and values must survive as these are what give a society its mode of conduct, these are what MAKE a society…

Besides, life is a bed of thorns for non-virgins here, especially young girls... Once you’ve been tagged a “b*tch” (“pitin” in Creole), your state is like that of the steak in a frying pan—you jump out, and land directly on the flames or you stay in and burn till death… Boys, on the contrary, aren’t considered contemptible when they are no longer virgins. ‘Why?’ The answer in Mauritius: Because it’s the female’s swollen womb that is visible…

Moreover, even love between couples is affected when one of the partners is ‘impure’. Suppose a man marries a woman, finds out she’s been touched by someone else (Well, who goes about asking before falling in love: “Are you a virgin?”), he’ll despise her for the rest of her life. The woman will cease existing. She’ll be a second-hand object which he has just bought. These circumstances encourage the man to keep mistresses. And when the wife will ask: “Why are you having affairs?” He’ll answer: “Why should it concern you? Did you not have sexual relationships before marriage? Did I ask you then ‘why’?” The mentality here: ‘BITCHES ARE MEANT TO BE USED AND NOT TO BE LOVED OR MARRIED.’

Some youngsters often say: “After all, it’s the 21st century! Let’s move forward with time. Be modern!!”
For my part, I don’t find any rational reason why being a non-virgin should be considered modern. Beyond all, sex or love is primordial since human existence…
It’s the “21st century”, so what? If we set wrong examples now, then we shouldn’t be complaining when in the future youngsters will say: “It’s the 22nd century pop! Let’s stroll around stark naked!!”

Yes, the WAY things are done is being changed—but not the ‘things’ themselves. Marriage followed by sex or marriage preceded by sex—sex and marriage BOTH STILL exist. The major difference is that sex after marriage can be ascertained but marriage after sex is NOT, which is quite often the case…

Often new ideas invade our societies, and bring radical changes… This doesn’t mean that whatever is new is morally and ethically right. However, the urge to move with time is greater (is fittest). And the end result is that we often tend to implement things (not to say rules), or rather, things often get implemented, things which later may be regretted. But in the process we also LOSE our traditional way of life… The clock hand never moves back in time... When you fill water in a glass which later you find out had no base, the water cannot be collected back.

I am not saying that ALL traditional practices should be preserved, but what’s “ideal” is ideal—and the ideal should be maintained. What is ‘modern’ today is what will be traditional tomorrow… Just like what is ‘traditional’ today is what was modern yesterday… What we choose for the future will influence both the present and the past—best in our interests is to leave no room for errors…

I firmly believe that to make the decision of “breaking the seal or not”, one first needs to be a MATURE person. And the first sign of immaturity displayed is when people (especially youngsters) consider themselves to be ‘mature’ when actually they are most naïve. Maturity is far from being only a question of age. To be “mature” means to be able to weigh one’s actions as well as their consequences BOTH ON ONESELF AND OTHERS.

If pre-marital sex is favoured, it is somehow a form of encouraging others, more precisely, youngsters, to engage in sexual activities earlier than when appropriate, when they are physically and/or psychologically unprepared. It’s like unlocking the gates of a stable of wild horses—they run wild all over the place and cause chaos…
If pre-marital sex is a CHOICE, it is also viewed by some as an OBLIGATION. The reasons may be:
(1) ‘Others are doing it, so we must do it also’. Pre-marital sex becomes ‘fashionable’.
(2) ‘We need to grow sexually to be perfect adults’. “Practice makes perfect”.
(3) The girl thinks: “If I do not comply with my boyfriend’s demands, he will leave me and go out with my enemy. “
The boy: “They will ridicule me and call me impotent if I do not do it.”
Youngsters often tend to think about everything, except what’s sensible.
(4) Fear that suspicion may be cast on one’s sexual preferences. Better to be tormented as a non-virgin than to be tyrannized as a homosexual.
The typical scenario after a boy has slept with a girl is what makes pre-marital sex “immoral”. Sleeping with somebody for the only sake of pleasure is what makes pre-marital sex immoral. The feeling of being used as a mere sex object by a lustful partner is what makes pre-marital sex immoral. Girls are often the victims of lust. And it is this “often” that makes love bias… There is a high risk involved when anyone (so as not to gender discriminate) decides to have pre-marital sex. But we talk specifically about girls for whom the risk is higher. As it is, boys or men do not lack reasons to ‘rid of’ the ‘used object’ in the dustbin:
“You’re not good in bed, adios!”
“Today you slept with me; you could have slept with many others before me… How many more are you going to sleep with in the future?”
However, the preferred and ‘feasible’ is to just disappear after the first night—this is immoral.

As a consequence, when the girl finds herself pregnant, she also finds herself deprived of emotional, familial, and maybe financial support too.

To mention only one case, there was a girl of 17 years old who had been impregnated by someone who vanished afterwards, someone who was ‘irresponsible’. Somehow, she managed to hide her pregnancy (She was a plump girl and used this to her advantage). Fearing the vigilant authorities here, she did not have her delivery on a hospital bed assisted by nurses but inside a water closet left to herself! Depressed, shocked, traumatized, panic-stricken, what she did next was unpardonable… With a pair of scissors, she CUT HER OWN BABY!! Circumstances transformed her into a cold-blooded criminal… Her fault: She thought she was ‘responsible’ when actually she was not…

The outcomes of pre-marital sex can be disastrous. Mothers are obliged to kill or abandon their own children, either by circumstances or social factors… Suicidal attempts are recurrent…And this is immoral.

How few minutes of pleasure can destroy a whole lifetime… How impulse and desire can devastate lives… How true and unfortunate it is that realization only comes when it’s too late to do anything!
We may think we are ‘ready’—but only thinking doesn’t help. How can we be SURE we are really READY? And as the act is irreversible, what is lost will never be regained...It is forever lost.

Coming to adults, they know virginity should be broken for the ‘RIGHT PERSON’ at the ‘RIGHT TIME’. But the big question is: HOW do we know WHO IS THE RIGHT PERSON and WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME?

Even if you meet the “right person” long before marriage, even if you find “true love” long before marriage, as Empress said, sex is NOT equal to love. You love that person does not mean you imperatively need to have sex with that person. Besides, HOW can you be 100 percent sure it is and really is the “right person”?

WHAT ROLE DOES MARRIAGE PLAY?
Besides being a formality or a ceremony, marriage has an integral role to play. Marriage forces people to think twice, thrice, countless of times before making this lifelong decision… It helps to answer the question of ‘WHO is Mr. /Miss Right’ and ‘WHEN is right’… HOW can you know it’s the right person? It’s when that person is willing to dedicate his/her whole life to you… When that person opts to be by your side till death… What that person DOES what others may simply say… Marriage is the action that proves words… And WHEN do you know it’s the right time? It’s when YOU are ready to dedicate your whole lifetime to this “right person”… It’s when you have found “true love”…


Fine, cohabitation exists and is practiced. BUT it does not fulfill the same functions that a legal and socially recognized family does. Camps and homes are poles apart.

If marriage is a “legal sign of RESPONSIBILITY”, then it is not absolutely wrong to say that marriage is like a contraceptive. When the eyes of the law guard people’s acts, they refrain from acting “irresponsibly”, they refrain from abandoning their “illegitimate” child/children, they are actively conscious of their acts, and they ASSUME their “responsibility”, they limit it also—they choose to have fewer children either by ‘producing’ less or by having recourse to other contraceptives, BUT THEY DO NOT THROW AWAY THE BORN CHILD, because they are now LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE. Legal responsibility constrains the individual to bear the consequences of his/her own act in cases where moral responsibility does not suffice. In other words, marriage forces the individual to limit these consequences.

Plus, the level of education is what most influences the number of progeny people may have—it is no longer the social engagement, i.e., marriage. As people spring out of ignorance, they are beginning to realize that ‘marry’ and ‘multiply’ are not complements but altogether different concepts. In simple words, marriage is a choice; to have children or not is ANOTHER choice. Unwanted pregnancy is equally probable for unmarried couples as much as it is for married ones.

And we shouldn’t forget the risk of getting sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) also… AIDS is a major problem in the world…Where medical facilities are provided, the problem is not that people aren’t having checkups before partaking in sexual activities… The real problem is that they are hesitant to have checkups when they aren’t married—when they have a secret relationship unknown or unacknowledged by the society… Because they are afraid the beans may just be spilled …

Though being a non-virgin is different from being promiscuous, the world doesn’t differentiate. The world doesn’t care to… The eyes of people perceive “gray” as a tint of black. “Gray” is black mixed with white, that’s all. Who cares to ask: “How many partners do you have?” Maybe having only one partner makes a difference to the individual, but not to the society.


Why is it that “our feeling for our loved ones diminishes when we find out they’re not virgin anymore”?
It’s because we are made to realize that we are NOT the person whom the wine had been saved for... Especially when we are going to share it with someone who is already sozzled…

2) Religion
Yeah, religion binds me, fortunately (Thank you God!)… In Islam, it is STRICTLY PROHIBITED to have sexual relationships outside the circle of marriage. So is adultery. Actually, the 2 main purposes of marriage, which single out humans from animals, are:
(1) Procreation within the family unit, i.e., with all the required support, and
(2) ‘Healthy’ and approved sex.

PAUSE. A common misconception: Islam ALLOWS men to marry four times… But it’s marry to SOLVE A PROBLEM, NOT FOR YOUR OWN PLEASURE and WITH THE APPROVAL of the present wife/wives. And why aren’t women allowed so? Because, first, they are not the main provider of the family in most cases; second, females outnumber males when considering the whole world’s population. There are many other reasons… Well, that’s another debate… Let us come back to virginity in Islam…


Love is considered sacred. Love is divine. Love or sex loses its divinity when it is ‘distributed’ to anyone and everyone. Like faith diminishes when it is distributed amongst deities, instead of only one God. Virginity is PERSONAL-- it BELONGS to the individual; it is PART of the individual. When you marry someone, that person becomes a PART of you. Virginity should be given up to someone who is ALREADY A PART OF YOU (husband or wife) and not to someone who is NOT YET A PART OF YOU (a lover for e.g.).

If “the person to whom virginity is given up to” is what gives virginity its sacredness and importance, ergo it loses this sacredness and importance when it has already been given to someone else before?

Moreover, Islam sees it thus: Just like you are being unfaithful to your life partner when you commit the sin of adultery (have sex with someone else your partner), you are being unfaithful to your future life partner when you decide to lose your virginity well before marriage (have sex with someone who may not become your partner). Since there is no guarantee that: Sex partner= Life partner.

3) My Parents
If religion binds me, then parental love and care locks me up… :-)
My parents are quite sensitive about this issue… because of reasons 1) and 2) mentioned above…
And they wouldn’t like it at all if their daughter has been labeled with ‘names’, if she moves in society like a piece meant for mass publicity… I would think about them before taking any decision. For they have always thought about me… They have always cared about me… It’s my duty to care too… Love should be reciprocal, so should be care…

What is more, my parents have faith in me… I do have a say in decisions concerning my life… For they have faith I would choose what’s “right”, they have faith I would follow their teachings… And for nothing in this world am I ever going to break this faith. I admit, am kinda proud and afraid of this confidence. Proud for they’ve considered me worthy of it… But afraid that I might break it unconsciously or unintentionally… How truly it has been said: “Everything in life has a price”… Everything…

That’s one of the reasons why I prefer not to keep any boyfriend, however handsome, smart, cute and ideal the guy may be! Lol  ;)

4) I

Apart from social, religious and cultural influences, I believe the individual somehow influences his or her own choices in life. We all have something peculiar, something specific to ourselves. Putting aside external factors, inner thoughts, beliefs or principles, which differ from one individual to another, also affect the decisions we may take.

Among inmate female friends, we often discuss about issues like “sex” or “virginity”, “marriage” or “cohabitation”… Curious as I am (he..he), I often ask my friends, especially those who have a boyfriend or boyfriends (LOL) the reason for which they would preserve their virginity…

One girl gave me a reply that really touched my heart. She said: “Because it’s the only thing I have that I can preserve”.

Someone else too gave a nice reply: “Because it’s the best gift that I can offer to someone who offers me his life”.
Ah…. It pleased me to know that my friends are on the safe side… At least they know the difference between sex and love… even if they have boyfriends… :-)

We finally come to me…. :-)
My “my reason” for which I chose to lead on this path, well, if I can express it this way:
It’s because I myself wouldn’t be comfortable at all to use tissue paper on which someone else has already sneezed… Then, how can I be so egocentric as to expect the opposite from the one who will be my partner?

Posted by Alpha*
Source: d'Corner of my CircLe

nid404:
Shouldn't this be a new topic  ???

I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!:
The solution to all the problems - Legalize abortion!

elemis:

--- Quote from: I'm a mistake - legalize abortion! on September 03, 2010, 03:08:51 pm ---The solution to all the problems - Legalize abortion!

--- End quote ---

Got tired of the beetle ? ::)

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