Jokes and stuff...

[Lana Wolf]

Divorcing after 45 years an elderly Indian man in Leicester calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"

"Pop, what are you talking about?" The son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Leicester immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay", he says, "They're coming for Diwali and paying their own travel fare." !!!!!

[Lana Wolf]

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well,it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought i'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again or should i try this time.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why?Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement.We occasionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!

[O.T.13.]

nevermind i took it away lol
erase ur last post

[Lana Wolf]

nevermind i took it away lol
erase ur last post

lol...why..? 

[O.T.13.]

lol...why..? 

cuz it wasnt doing so much for the "guys are better than gals" reputation


okay, definition of marriage: A process in which a man loses her Bachelor's and a woman gains her Master's


more marriage jokes coming up....

[Lana Wolf]

cuz it wasnt doing so much for the "guys are better than gals" reputation


okay, definition of marriage: A process in which a man loses her Bachelor's and a woman gains her Master's


more marriage jokes coming up....

lol...okay....
but i gotta go now...bye...

[O.T.13.]

okay actually these are more like quotes ill put them in the Quotes thread
don't worry though, OT is getting something more beneficial: A DICTIONARY!  

[O.T.13.]

lol...okay....
but i gotta go now...bye...

oh darn! okay no broblem ill make that my last post on this thread for today then 

[Lana Wolf]

The man with the bloody finger .....
One night an old lady was sitting watching TV in her house when the phone rang.She answered it. A mans voice said: "I'm the man with the bloody finger. I'm 10 steps away from your house."

The old lady signed and went back to watching TV.

Five minutes later the phone rang again. The man said: "I'm the man with the bloody finger and I'm 5 steps away from your house."

Scared the old lady sat back down and watched TV.

Two minutes later the phone rang again. The dark voice said: "I'm the man with the bloody finger and I'm two steps away from your house."

The old woman screamed. She turned off the TV, too scared to speak.

A couple of minutes later there was a thump thump thump! at the door. The old women shrieked but went to open it.

At the door stood a horrible man looking deathly at the old lady.

"I'm the man" He whispered, "With the bloody finger.... Could I have a bandage?"

[Lana Wolf]

FIVE SURGEONS...
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[Lana Wolf]

DOCTOR TERMINOLOGY...
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

 

[Lana Wolf]

two in one grave
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

[omega007]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring at you , and that's when you remember: You've been listening to your iPod

[Lana Wolf]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring at you , and that's when you remember: You've been listening to your iPod

hahaha....

[Lana Wolf]

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."