JOKES AND Riddles!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Alright.

I am sorry guys. A.F. and Ari , I am truly sorry. Please forgive my mistakes.

[dodi23]

1. Teacher: Can any one give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze? Amit: Hot water!
2. Doctor, doctor, everyone thinks I'm a liar. Doctor: I don't believe you.
3. Teacher asked George: How can you prove the earth is round? George replied: I can't! Besides, I never said it was.
4. Mother: How did you find school today? Daughter: I just got off the bus and there it was!
5. You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you rs.500, will you answer two questions for me? 'Absolutely! what's the second question?'
6. Father: Doctor, my son swallowed a roll of film. Doctor: Let's wait and see what develops.
7. Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of. Student: Life imprisonment!
8. At night 2 drinkers were on their way, they saw moon's shadow in a pond. 1st:Hey, what is this? 2nd:It's Moon. 1st:Wow! We are on the moon!
9. Patient: Doctor, I couldn't stop stealing things. Doctor: Take these pills for a week. If they do not work, get me a colour TV.
10. Jai: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in 2 weeks. Sanju: And did he? Jai: Yes I had to sell my car to pay the bill.
11. Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday gift? Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.
12. Son: Dad, will you do my homework tonight? Father: No son, it wouldn't be right. Son: Well, you can try.
13. Customer: Waiter, I'd like to cancel my order for fresh fruit salad. Waiter: I am sorry sir, but the cook has already opened the tin.
14. Teacher: How old is your father? Sunny: As old as I am. Teacher: How is it possible? Sunny: He became father only after I was born.
15. Annoyed husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why 3? Husband: For you and your parents.
16. Teacher: How do ants help us? One student answered quickly: They help us to know the place where our mother has kept the sweets.
17. Wife: Why are you wearing two coats to paint the house? Husband: Because it says on the box, put two coats for best results.
18. Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not? Son: I don't feel well. Father: Where don't you feel well? Son: In school!
19. Teacher: Is it your father's handwriting? Has your father done your homework? Rahul: Ma'am actually, I used my father's pen.
20. Patient: Doctor, I just can't stop my hands shaking! Doctor: Do you drink a lot? Patient: Not really, I spill most of it!
21. A teacher-student conversation! Teacher: What is a skeleton? Student: A person who started dieting but forgot to stop.
22. Teacher: Give me three reasons why the world is round? Mohit: Well, my dad says so, my mother says so and you say so!
23. Teacher: Why are you always late for school? Student: Because the peon always rings the bell before I got here!
24. Teacher: Kamal why didn't you do your homework. Kamal: I am staying in the hostel then how can I do my homework.
25. Two friends were going to work. Bunty: Shall we take a bus or walk? Sonu: Well, lets see what arrives first!
26. Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line! Little johny: I tried, but somebody was already there.
27. Jimmy to servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's raining. Jimmy: So what! Take an umbrella and go.
28. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Sorry teacher, I over slept. Teacher: You need to sleep at home too!
29. Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. Sunny: You can't fool me, I know snakes don't have feet.
30. Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention? Student: I'am paying as little attention as I can.
31. Girl: What is the height of flirting? Boy: It is when your love letter starts with,' To whom so ever it may concern'.
32. Nurse: Wake up man. Patient: What happen? Nurse: Nothing. I just forgot to give you prescribed sleeping pills.
33. Boy: I am asking you last time, will you marry me? Girl: I can't, I am engaged. Boy: Waiter, bill us separately.
34. Mother: Did you enjoy your first day at school? Kid: First day! Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
35. Teacher: Ramu, why do you always get so dirty? Ramu: Well, I am a lot closer to the ground than you are.
36. Girl: If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee. Boy: And if you were my wife, I'd drink it.
37. Boy asks his new girl friend: What sort of books you are interested in? Girlfriend: Cheque books.
38. Teacher: Sam, name one important thing that we have today but we didn't had it 10 years ago. Sam: Me.
39. Bunty: Can you do anything that other people can't? Rohan: Sure, I can read my handwriting.
40. Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are the choices? Wife: Yes or No.

[mohit1234]

1. Teacher: Can any one give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze? Amit: Hot water!
2. Doctor, doctor, everyone thinks I'm a liar. Doctor: I don't believe you.
3. Teacher asked George: How can you prove the earth is round? George replied: I can't! Besides, I never said it was.
4. Mother: How did you find school today? Daughter: I just got off the bus and there it was!
5. You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you rs.500, will you answer two questions for me? 'Absolutely! what's the second question?'
6. Father: Doctor, my son swallowed a roll of film. Doctor: Let's wait and see what develops.
7. Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of. Student: Life imprisonment!
8. At night 2 drinkers were on their way, they saw moon's shadow in a pond. 1st:Hey, what is this? 2nd:It's Moon. 1st:Wow! We are on the moon!
9. Patient: Doctor, I couldn't stop stealing things. Doctor: Take these pills for a week. If they do not work, get me a colour TV.
10. Jai: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in 2 weeks. Sanju: And did he? Jai: Yes I had to sell my car to pay the bill.
11. Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday gift? Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.
12. Son: Dad, will you do my homework tonight? Father: No son, it wouldn't be right. Son: Well, you can try.
13. Customer: Waiter, I'd like to cancel my order for fresh fruit salad. Waiter: I am sorry sir, but the cook has already opened the tin.
14. Teacher: How old is your father? Sunny: As old as I am. Teacher: How is it possible? Sunny: He became father only after I was born.
15. Annoyed husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why 3? Husband: For you and your parents.
16. Teacher: How do ants help us? One student answered quickly: They help us to know the place where our mother has kept the sweets.
17. Wife: Why are you wearing two coats to paint the house? Husband: Because it says on the box, put two coats for best results.
18. Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not? Son: I don't feel well. Father: Where don't you feel well? Son: In school!
19. Teacher: Is it your father's handwriting? Has your father done your homework? Rahul: Ma'am actually, I used my father's pen.
20. Patient: Doctor, I just can't stop my hands shaking! Doctor: Do you drink a lot? Patient: Not really, I spill most of it!
21. A teacher-student conversation! Teacher: What is a skeleton? Student: A person who started dieting but forgot to stop.
22. Teacher: Give me three reasons why the world is round? Mohit: Well, my dad says so, my mother says so and you say so!
23. Teacher: Why are you always late for school? Student: Because the peon always rings the bell before I got here!
24. Teacher: Kamal why didn't you do your homework. Kamal: I am staying in the hostel then how can I do my homework.
25. Two friends were going to work. Bunty: Shall we take a bus or walk? Sonu: Well, lets see what arrives first!
26. Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line! Little johny: I tried, but somebody was already there.
27. Jimmy to servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's raining. Jimmy: So what! Take an umbrella and go.
28. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Sorry teacher, I over slept. Teacher: You need to sleep at home too!
29. Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. Sunny: You can't fool me, I know snakes don't have feet.
30. Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention? Student: I'am paying as little attention as I can.
31. Girl: What is the height of flirting? Boy: It is when your love letter starts with,' To whom so ever it may concern'.
32. Nurse: Wake up man. Patient: What happen? Nurse: Nothing. I just forgot to give you prescribed sleeping pills.
33. Boy: I am asking you last time, will you marry me? Girl: I can't, I am engaged. Boy: Waiter, bill us separately.
34. Mother: Did you enjoy your first day at school? Kid: First day! Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
35. Teacher: Ramu, why do you always get so dirty? Ramu: Well, I am a lot closer to the ground than you are.
36. Girl: If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee. Boy: And if you were my wife, I'd drink it.
37. Boy asks his new girl friend: What sort of books you are interested in? Girlfriend: Cheque books.
38. Teacher: Sam, name one important thing that we have today but we didn't had it 10 years ago. Sam: Me.
39. Bunty: Can you do anything that other people can't? Rohan: Sure, I can read my handwriting.
40. Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are the choices? Wife: Yes or No.

hahahahaha 
nice!!

[SGVaibhav]

keep it up !

[WARRIOR]

where are you kratos im missing your jokes :@

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

where are you kratos im missing your jokes :@

lol dude. I was doing some physics papers. Boring sh*t.

Alright, here is one .


                                    THE LEXUS.


A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!!!"

[theone]

lol dude. I was doing some physics papers. Boring sh*t.

Alright, here is one .


                                    THE LEXUS.


A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!!!"

   lol i loved it!!!!!!

[theone]

k heres a blonde joke (no offense to any blonds is there are any)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''     

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                        EVERYTHING'S BIG IN TEXAS.


There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,

"Don't flush, don't flush!"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

k heres a blonde joke (no offense to any blonds is there are any)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''     

Nooooooo!!! I was gonna post it next!!!

Bleh, then I'll post another one.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Here's another.

                                      CHRISTMAS PARTY


Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great," says Tom. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.Gonna be some drinking."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em"

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More 'n' likely gonna be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there!!! By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                         Something wrong with my ear.


Has it ever bothered you when the doctor's assistant asks you why you are here? Of course you feel compelled to answer, though you have to answer in front of total strangers in the lobby. Many times, your reason for being there can be quite embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my d*ck", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answers could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                       
Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."



So, Now I am cool or what guys?

[DrEvil]

                                       
Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."



So, Now I am cool or what guys?

HAHAHAHAHA!!! NICE!

[dodi23]

Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, Dave."