JOKES AND Riddles!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

okie...

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

haaa haaaaaa haaaaaaa
nice one ksitna 
thank u guys!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Another one

whatcha doin?

eating chocolate

where'd you get it?

the doggy dropped it..

where's the doggy?

behind the door

whats he doin?

makin more!

BILLY PUT THAT DOWN!!!!!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

another 

A hot young woman walks into a bar in her apartment complex.

She goes over to the bar table, and the bartender comes over to see her. May I help you, he says. Yes, actually.
The bartender is a tall man with a long, full beard. Have you seen the landlord recently,? She says. As she asks him, she reaches up and begins to stroke and carress his beard.
 The man is shy and very nervous to be having a girl touching him. No, he says very shyly. Oh, well, if you do see him, I’d like you to tell him something for me.
 She continued to carress his beard. What’s that, he asks, still very nervous. She comes up very close to his face and says, tell him……….there's no toilet paper in the woman bathroom.

[theone]

New Lawyer
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."
 
lawyer jokes this time

[immortal]

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in
the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the
next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took
the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you
must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I
want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun,
walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you
must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I
want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and
went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I
beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

[theone]

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in
the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the
next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took
the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you
must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I
want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun,
walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you
must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I
want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and
went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I
beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

hahaha laughed to death lol still laughing

[immortal]

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in
the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the
next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took
the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you
must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I
want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun,
walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you
must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I
want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and
went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I
beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

[theone]

Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare.

Yo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter.

Yo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.

Yo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her some money.


now ur mamma jokes turn (not offending any1 mom here)

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

2 men were walking through the desert, one carrying a telephone box, the other carrying a lamp post.

 The man with the lamp post asks the other man “why are you carrying a phone box?”. “well” he says “when the lions come i can hide in it and i’ll be safe. Why are you carrying a lamp post?”.

 “Well” replies the first man “when the lions come i can drop it and i’ll be able to run faster”.

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in
the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the
next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took
the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you
must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I
want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun,
walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you
must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I
want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and
went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I
beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

lmao, ha haaaa

immortal, nice to see u kickin

@theone - nice jokes 

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

A man is in a desert, dehydrated and almost dried up, when he sees a stable up ahead.

 He crawls over to it and knocks on the door. A man comes out, sees the poor man and nurses him back to health. When the man is better the nice man loads up a horse with food and water and put the man on it.

 “Now, this horse is special.” he says. “To make him go, you say ‘thank god’ to make him stop, you say halleljuah.
 The man thanks him and leaves, while yelling thank god. After an hour of riding, he starts to see a cliff ledge ahead. thank god! he says.
 He forgets how you make the horse stop. thank god! thank god! he says but the horse keeps gaining speed.Then, a few feet from the edge, he remembers. HALLELJUAH! he screams, as the horse screeches to a halt, inches away from the cliif edge. “thank god” he says

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Another....

A man is speeding and is pulled over by a cop

cop says: sir im gona havta give you a ticket for speeding.

man starts singing “21 today 21 today hey hoe meeadio 21 today!

cop says: oh sir its your birthday ok ill let you off this once just dont let it happen again.

man drives off and knocks down an old woman and starts to sing…. 22 today 22 today…….

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Two fish are in a tank. one turns to the other and says,
"You drive, I'll fire"

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

I was in a taxi and the driver was whistling and he had a grin on his face.
” I love this job ! I’m my own boss and I never get told what to do”
I replied :
“left here ! “