JOKES AND Riddles!!

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

HOLY SH*T!!!!!!!

I fell off my chair while reading these jokes, literally!!!!

Nobody,immortal,dodi23 all those jokes were freakin awesome!!!!
yeah, consolation prize goes to ksitna and SGVaibhav
 

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                    WARNING : NOT FOR KIDS!!!!!!
                  BEST PICKUP LINES CONTINUED!!!!!


Are you an overdue book? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you!


If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together.


Are you from Tennesse??
Cuz you’re the only ten-I-see…


What are you doing tonight, besides me....


Hey babe, when i was younger i was very popular. girls run after me, that's after a throw rocks at them.


You are one tall glass of water and im tellin you straight up…im thirsty!


Baby, if I was a squirrell & you were a tree, I would put my nuts in your hole .


Hey, I’m lost, can you help me find the way to your house?


Does this rag smell like Chloroform to you?!!!!


YOUR MOM WAS BETTER LAST NIGHT, WANNA PROVE ME WRONG ?!!!!


What has 142 teeth and holds back "the incredible hulk"? My zipper!!!!!

 

[nid404]

lol 

Daily dose of this thread can bring back a smile

Thanks to you guys

[immortal]

Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[immortal]

What we sell

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'Ah Sooo You doing velly well, only two left'.

[guMnam]

What we sell

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'Ah Sooo You doing velly well, only two left'.

lol:D

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

immortal , both jokes were cool!!!

[WARRIOR]

Ya Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Old Man Marries a Young Woman
After marrying a young woman, a 90-year-old man told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he brought an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged at him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the Old Man said "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.

[The Golden Girl =D]

Ya Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Old Man Marries a Young Woman
After marrying a young woman, a 90-year-old man told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he brought an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged at him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the Old Man said "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.

hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahha 

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Kimo jesus - nice one!!!!

[nid404]

Ya Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Old Man Marries a Young Woman
After marrying a young woman, a 90-year-old man told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he brought an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged at him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the Old Man said "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.

lol 

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

                                         WORDS OF WISDOM!!!

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.


It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.


Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.


He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons


Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.


If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.


Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.


Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers. 

[immortal]

A retired gentleman

A retired gentleman went to Social Welfare Office to apply for the Old Age Pension. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." he said.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Old Age Pension application.

When he returned home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Welfare office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got the Disability Pension, too."

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

Nice one !!!! just read it yesterday but still nice

[I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!]

here's another

                               Gynecologist Guessing Game

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."