Okkay, firstly, i am not a PS specialist. However, i'll guide yuh as much as possible. Others can guide yuh further.
So, what i felt was that yer content was good. Not TOO good, not TOO bad either. I liked the first few paragraphs.
However, yuh need to emphasize on yer skills and qualities which meets the criteria fer the admission. The first line is probably the thing to work on – most people put their reasons for studying the subject at the top, and this is generally regarded to be the most important bit of the statement. Also, there are a lot of grammitical errors in yer PS. Make sure yuh go through again and correct it. If yuh've any problems doing so, yuh can ask fer help anytime, anyday.
"The sports I enjoy the most are football not only practicing but also watching, swimming and basketball." It doesn't make sense, correct it.
Finally, don't make them feel that this is not important fer yuh. In the end, sum up why the university should take you, and what an offer would mean to you.
Introduction: Why do you want to do the course, how did you make your decision, show your enthusiasm for the subject.
Relevant work experience [for vocational degrees only - for non vocational courses relevant work experience isn't necessary so can be left out of a PS if you haven't done any] and subject relevant extra curriculars : Anything that you’ve done which is relevant to the subject can go here. Also mention career aspirations.
Enthusiasm for current studies, and how they help with the degree.
Skills and qualities: What skills and qualities do you have, and that will you need to do this course. Don't just list skills though, give examples of circumstances when you've demonstrated skills.
Anything else: This paragraph usually contains hobbies/interests/sports/music/voluntary work. Try to link it with the course or at the least link it to how you manage to stay sane while studying. If you're deferring entry, an explanation of your gap year plans can go here.
Conclusion: Sum up why the university should take you, and what an offer would mean to you. Cross-check. See whether yuh've met all these requirements or not.
If yuh need any specialist to help yuh regarding yer PS, visit
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki/Personal_Statement_LibraryI hope i brought yuh some relief.
Take care.
