Qualification > Languages

Um . what would you grade me on this?

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Galleria:
LOL hi,
I'm kind of wondering how much you people would grade on this descriptive essay.
M/J 2010, Paper 3, Variant 1.

3 A.

Gloom
_______________
As I carried my school bag and walked along the street of Aldale, I couldn’t help but see the dark colour on the horizon emerging towards me. The darkness was imbuing the sky of purple and orange hues that created tapestries so gorgeous that anyone could just lie watching it, contemplating on the dirty ground.
But, this couldn’t have been done that day. Something had begun to permeate and taint. Something marred the beauty of dusk and had started to rumble and “anomalize” the aesthetic nature of the sky.
Suddenly, it felt cold and the street was isolated, except a few cars that rushed here and there, accelerating and giving me a blow of smoke from time to time. I mused at the sky intermittently and every passing second, it got closer. And closer. So close that now, I felt a drop of water trickle down my face.
I knew that it would soon get damp so I started to pace. Drops of rain had already begun to fall, mizzling as I felt them hit me lightly and sporadically. I opened the zip of my bag and rummaged for an umbrella, but alas, to no avail.
I felt terrible – yes, terrible. For two reasons, that is. One because my mother would kill me for not taking an umbrella to school and two, for getting wet, as I am, to some extent a bit hydrophobic (I’m not implying that I don’t shower). Well, anyway, by now, I could hear affrighting bellows from the clouds and felt panic-struck.
I started to run. But then stopped. “What if I slip?”, I thought to myself. No. I couldn’t do it. So, I walked faster and put on the cap of my hood. Now, it was pelting and I was wet – completely soaked from top to bottom.
So then, I gave up. I knew I couldn’t reach home soon enough and fortunately found a shop. I stayed there until the storm abated into a gentle, serene breeze and darkness swung to a beautiful sky of twinkling stars with the glimmering moon.
Well, that beautiful moment took two and a half hours and my mother was furious to see her daughter wet. I changed quickly, and leaped inside the warm fuzzy bed and entered the world of dreams.
The following morning, when I woke up, the first thing I did was twitch my nose(involuntarily) and gave off a large sound after tilting my head back a little and powerfully swinging forth with a wet feeling. The sneeze was the antecedent for my absence in school for a week.

Chingoo:
17/25

-> You've used bombastic and flamboyant language without purpose and hence, sometimes used it out of context or incorrectly. E.g. I couldn’t help but see the dark colour on the horizon emerging towards me (it is inaccurate to say something is emerging toward another. Emerge is almost always used in the context of 'emerge from xyz', because plants don't grow to the sky, they grow from the ground. Exceptions not considered. Also, though insignificant, develop a habit of using 'toward', 'afterward', etc, since 'towards' is actually a colloquial term.)
-> Disruptive use of language. E.g. One because my mother would kill me (Firstly, 'one because' is not a logical phrase. It should either be 'the first one being that' or 'one: my mother', etc. Also, where you're using formal and florid language, 'my mother would kill me' is not appropriate. The narrative is disrupted because of this incorrect usage.)
-> Lack of fluency in script. E.g. I started to run. But then stopped. “What if I slip?”, I thought to myself. No. I couldn’t do it. So, I walked faster and put on the cap of my hood. Now, it was pelting and I was wet – completely soaked from top to bottom. (There is absolutely no fluidity in reading this entire paragraph. I pause at the wrong points and there is no connection between the sentences.)

I have not given many other examples and corrections on purpose, because if you grasp the flaws I've detected, you yourself will be able to evaluate your script.

Galleria:
ohhh ok :O . thanks!

Galleria:
loool i didn't think of 'emerging' that way but the othersss yeaaah , i thought they were mistakes too . lol

Galleria:
Re.do :


Gloom
_______________
As I carried my school bag and walked along the street of Aldale, I couldn’t help but see the dark colour on the horizon emerging. The darkness was imbuing the sky of purple and orange hues that created tapestries so gorgeous that anyone could just lie watching it, contemplating on the dirty ground.
But, this couldn’t have been done that day. Something had begun to permeate and taint. Something marred the beauty of dusk and had started to rumble and “anomalize” the aesthetic nature of the sky.
Suddenly, it felt cold and the street was isolated, except a few cars that rushed here and there, accelerating and giving me a blow of smoke from time to time. I mused at the sky intermittently and every passing second, it got closer. And closer. So close that now, I felt a drop of water trickle down my face.
I knew that it would soon get damp so I started to pace. Drops of rain had already begun to fall, mizzling as I felt them hit me lightly and sporadically. I opened the zip of my bag and rummaged for an umbrella, but alas, to no avail.
I felt terrible – yes, terrible. For two reasons, that is. One: my mother would kill me for not taking an umbrella to school. Two: for getting wet, as I am, to some extent a bit hydrophobic (I’m not implying that I don’t shower). Well, anyway, by now, I could hear affrighting bellows from the clouds and felt panic-struck.
I started to run but then quickly stopped. “What if I slip?”, I thought to myself. No. I couldn’t do it. So, instead, I decided to stride, with my hood covering my head from the rain.
The effort was useless by now. It had started to pelt and I was wet – completely soaked from top to bottom.
So then, I gave up. I knew I couldn’t reach home soon enough and fortunately found a shop. I stayed there until the storm abated into a gentle, serene breeze and darkness swung to a beautiful sky of twinkling stars with the glimmering moon.
Well, that beautiful moment took two and a half hours and my mother was furious to see her daughter wet. I changed quickly, and leaped inside the warm fuzzy bed and entered the world of dreams.
The following morning, when I woke up, the first thing I did was twitch my nose(involuntarily) and gave off a large sound after tilting my head back a little and powerfully swinging forth with a wet feeling. The sneeze was the antecedent for my absence in school for a week.

nowww ?

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